Biden’s Secret War and Other Imaginary Headlines from the Rogan Files

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Let’s talk about Joe Rogan, because apparently, we’ve entered the Twilight Zone where podcasters are foreign policy experts and facts are as optional as napkins at a BBQ joint. Recently, Rogan claimed that President Joe Biden is attempting to start a war. Why? Because Biden’s old, wears aviators, and occasionally misplaces his train of thought? No, it’s because Rogan thinks everything is a nefarious plot if it doesn’t involve UFC fighters or protein powder.

Biden starting a war? Please. The man treats conflict the way cats treat water. Remember how long it took to pull out of Afghanistan? He’s not exactly sprinting into skirmishes. Rogan’s logic is like saying a toddler with crayons is plotting to deface the Mona Lisa. Sure, there’s movement, but it’s not a strategy.

Meanwhile, Rogan is out here acting like a hybrid of Nostradamus and your conspiracy-obsessed uncle on Facebook. He’s the guy who sees a shadow and calls it a government surveillance drone. His claims about body doubles, microchips, and secretive plots to overthrow democracy make QAnon sound like a knitting circle. At this point, he’s not reporting news—he’s speedrunning a conspiracy theory leaderboard.

Here’s the kicker: he’s got an audience. A big one. And not just people who agree with him—he’s got listeners who tune in for the same reason people watch reality TV. It’s a car crash, and you can’t look away. The difference is, this car crash might take democracy with it.

This isn’t about free speech; it’s about responsibility. When you’ve got a microphone and millions of listeners, maybe don’t use it to yell fire in a crowded theater—or in this case, war in a crowded podcast. Rogan’s rants don’t just exist in a vacuum; they fuel distrust and division. It’s like he’s hosting an open mic night for disinformation.

And let’s not forget his “solutions.” Vaccines? Bad. Horse dewormer? Good. Climate change? Meh. At this point, he’s the human equivalent of that guy who shows up to a potluck with a conspiracy casserole—unappetizing and wildly inappropriate.

So, to Joe Rogan and his fans: if Biden’s starting a war, maybe it’s a war on stupidity. And in that case, Joe, you’ve got nothing to worry about—you’re well-stocked on ammo.

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