America, land of the free, home of the what-the-hell-did-I-just-read. Every time I think we’ve peaked, like some majestic mountain of absurdity, someone brings in a bulldozer of insanity and adds another layer. The latest? A survey about pardons and January 6th.
Apparently, Americans can’t even agree on pardons. Pardons! The very concept is ridiculous enough on its own—a magic eraser for someone’s crimes, like they just accidentally spilled grape juice on democracy and, oops, here’s a rag, all better now. But no, we’ve taken this simple absurdity and super-sized it, just like everything else in this country. Because why erase one crime when you can debate which side deserves the biggest eraser?
The survey says—cue Steve Harvey—Americans are split about pardoning Donald Trump for January 6th-related charges. Split? Split?! At this point, I’m pretty sure Americans would be split on whether gravity is real. Half of us would be floating around screaming freedom while the other half is trying to pass a bill taxing the air they’re breathing.
Let’s get something straight. Pardoning someone isn’t the same as forgiving them. Forgiveness requires soul-searching, remorse, growth. A pardon? That’s like Monopoly: go directly to jail, then flip the table because you’re rich and someone else can pick up the pieces. But what’s baffling is that people don’t even care why the pardon’s happening anymore. It’s all about which team gets the win.
Let me pause here to appreciate the fact that “January 6th” has become a phrase. A phrase! It’s shorthand for a coup attempt, as if we’ve just added it to the American vocabulary alongside hamburgers and baseball. Hey, remember when the Capitol looked like the running of the bulls, but instead of bulls, it was guys in buffalo hats and zip ties?
And now we’re talking about pardoning the guy at the center of the whole mess. Why? Because apparently, it’s not enough to argue about how much jail time someone deserves; we’ve got to argue about whether they deserve jail time at all. Sure, break into the Capitol, threaten democracy, and then demand a free pass like you’re returning a sweater to Target. Makes total sense.
The arguments are so predictable it’s almost boring. Almost. One side says Trump didn’t do anything wrong because freedom, while the other side says lock him up because rules matter. And me? I’m over here wondering if anyone’s going to apologize to the guy who stole a loaf of bread in 1842 and didn’t get a pardon because he wasn’t wearing a red hat.
But let’s not forget the subtext here. This isn’t about justice. It’s about marketing. Pardons are the Black Friday sale of politics—discount accountability for your favorite team! And let’s be clear, this isn’t just about Trump. It’s never just about Trump. The man’s a symptom, not the disease. He’s the cough syrup for the plague of narcissism and tribalism that’s been festering in this country for decades.
What makes this whole thing even more ridiculous is the timing. Do we really want to be discussing pardons for January 6th while the rubble is metaphorically still smoldering? What’s next? Do we start selling commemorative t-shirts at the Capitol gift shop? I stormed the Capitol, and all I got was this lousy indictment.
But the pièce de résistance, the cherry on this crap sundae, is the idea that pardoning Trump will somehow bring us together. As if tossing a big ol’ forgiveness bone into the cultural blender is going to make everything smoothie-like. Spoiler alert: it won’t. You don’t heal a broken country by letting the most controversial figure of the last century skate away like he’s in some Olympic figure-skating competition of chaos.
And don’t get me started on the people who think this is all part of some master plan. You know the ones. They’re out there, sipping their conspiracy-flavored Kool-Aid, convinced that the deep state is staging all of this for ratings. Ratings! If the deep state had any real power, they’d at least fix the potholes. Instead, we’re stuck with a script so bad it wouldn’t even make it to pilot season on Netflix.
At the end of the day, this is the America we’ve built. A country where even the concept of justice has been turned into a sideshow. It’s like we’re all trapped in the longest, weirdest episode of Cops, except the suspects are all former presidents, and the soundtrack is just people screaming fake news into the void.
Here’s the real kicker, though. The people arguing about pardons aren’t even trying to solve anything. They’re just playing the world’s worst game of dodgeball, trying to throw blame and dodge accountability. It’s exhausting. And yet, I can’t look away. Because like every great American disaster, it’s fascinating in the worst possible way.
So here’s my suggestion. Let’s not pardon anyone. Not Trump, not his cronies, not even the guy who stole Pelosi’s lectern. Instead, let’s take all that energy we’re wasting on this nonsense and use it to fix something. Anything. Hell, I’d settle for a pothole.
But who am I kidding? That’s not going to happen. We’ll just keep arguing until the next scandal rolls around, and the circus starts all over again. Because if there’s one thing America loves, it’s a never-ending reality show where everyone’s the villain, and no one wins.
