The latest news on Trump-era deportation policies makes me wonder if we’re all stuck in some alternate universe where logic has been traded for Monopoly money and outrage is the national pastime. Seriously, what’s the plan here? Round up everyone who didn’t handwrite the Constitution in cursive? Deportation as a spectacle has gotten so absurd that even Kafka would read this and say, This is too much.
Let’s break it down. The U.S. government, in its infinite wisdom, decided to target not just undocumented immigrants but anyone who vaguely smells like cumin and hard work. Now, I’m all for security and enforcing laws. But this isn’t law enforcement; this is Scooby-Doo meets the KGB. It’s like they’re pulling random people aside, shouting, J’accuse!, and deporting them for crimes as grievous as existing near a Walmart on a Tuesday.
It gets better. Apparently, we’re now targeting people who have lived here for decades. Imagine planting a tree in your yard, watering it for 30 years, and then screaming, You’re not my tree! It’s like punishing a fish for swimming because you suddenly remembered you don’t like fish. These are people with families, businesses, lives—contributing members of society who dared to dream of a better life in a country famous for putting give me your tired, your poor on its doorstep like a neon Budweiser sign.
And the children! Oh, let’s not forget the kids. Nothing says family values like ripping toddlers from their parents. I can’t wait for the GOP’s next campaign slogan: Kids Cry, Votes Fly.
The hypocrisy is the icing on this moldy cake. Let’s be real. The same folks yelling, Go back to where you came from! are usually the ones who can’t name three countries that aren’t America or Cancun. And let me ask you this: Who’s gonna do the jobs these people leave behind? Are we ready for Todd from the HOA to start picking strawberries? Because Todd can’t even pick up his dog’s crap, let alone manage an agricultural supply chain.
The economic arguments are a hoot, too. They claim undocumented immigrants are stealing jobs. First off, if someone who doesn’t speak your language, doesn’t know the culture, and arrived with nothing but the shirt on their back is stealing your job, maybe the problem isn’t them. Maybe the problem is you. Secondly, the same people screaming about job theft are also outraged that immigrants dare to take government assistance. Well, which is it? Are they stealing jobs or lounging on welfare? Because last I checked, they can’t do both.
Now, let’s talk about priorities. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but America’s got some actual problems. Climate change? Ignored. Healthcare? Expensive. Infrastructure? Looks like it was last updated during the Lincoln administration. But sure, let’s spend billions hunting down undocumented immigrants because nothing screams progress like a nation-sized game of hide and seek.
And then there’s the wall. Oh, the wall. A giant, overpriced monument to fear and bad ideas. You know what walls are good for? Dividing living rooms. Beyond that, they’re about as useful as a solar-powered flashlight in a cave. If someone’s desperate enough to walk thousands of miles through deserts and risk their lives, a wall isn’t going to stop them. It’s like trying to keep ants out of your house by duct-taping a single window. Good luck with that.
But my favorite part? The moral high ground argument. Some folks say these policies are about upholding the rule of law. Really? The same people who think jaywalking should come with a death sentence are oddly quiet about white-collar criminals stealing billions. Apparently, laws are only sacred when they apply to people without a yacht.
At the end of the day, this is about fear. Fear of the other. Fear of change. Fear that someone, somewhere, is doing better than you. And that’s the real tragedy. Because America isn’t supposed to be about fear. It’s supposed to be about hope, opportunity, and maybe—just maybe—not deporting people for being human.
So here’s an idea: Instead of deporting hardworking families, how about we deport terrible ideas? Put them on a bus, send them off a cliff, and see if they can swim back upstream. I bet they’ll get stuck at the wall.
