Every day in America feels like a new season of a reality show that nobody asked for. This week’s episode? Trump versus the Billionaire Boys Club. That’s right, we’ve got Bezos, Zuckerberg, Musk, and the rest of the Silicon Valley Avengers in one corner and Trump’s regulatory circus in the other. It’s like the Hunger Games, except instead of tributes, we’ve got trillionaires, and instead of arrows, they’re armed with stock options and lawyers.
Let’s unpack this mess. Trump is reportedly trying to crack down on the unchecked power of Big Tech. Yes, you heard that right—the guy who practically turned Twitter into his personal diary is now coming for the tech giants. It’s like Frankenstein turning on his monster, except this monster has Wi-Fi and a private jet.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Big Tech deserves a reckoning. These companies have the power of small countries, the ethics of a frat house, and the charm of a DMV clerk on their third double shift. But do we really trust Trump—a man who thinks cyber is a noun—to fix this? It’s like asking a pyromaniac to regulate fire safety. Sure, he’ll do something, but it’s probably going to end with everyone screaming.
Take Jeff Bezos, for instance. Trump has apparently had it out for Bezos since the dawn of time—or at least since The Washington Post published a headline he didn’t like. Bezos, the guy who can probably 3D-print an entire country, is now in Trump’s crosshairs. And why? Because he dared to run a company that delivers toothpaste faster than you can say, What’s the catch?
Then there’s Mark Zuckerberg. Oh, Zuck. The human algorithm himself. Trump reportedly wants to break up Facebook, but here’s the thing: Facebook is already broken. The platform is like a digital Thanksgiving dinner—loud, divisive, and full of questionable opinions from your uncle. Splitting it into smaller pieces isn’t going to solve the problem; it’s just going to give us more uncles.
And let’s not forget Elon Musk. Musk is out here playing 4D chess while the rest of us are still trying to figure out where the Monopoly pieces went. He’s launching rockets, building tunnels, and naming his kids after Wi-Fi passwords, and now he’s got Trump working for him, or the other way around. Honestly, I’d pay good money to see those two in a room together. Imagine the egos colliding. It would be like a black hole of narcissism.
But here’s the real kicker. Trump’s push to regulate Big Tech isn’t about protecting us, the average citizen who just wants to scroll Instagram without being bombarded by ads for sketchy diet pills. No, this is about revenge. It’s about settling scores and flexing power. Trump doesn’t want to fix the system; he wants to burn it down and dance on the ashes.
The hypocrisy is stunning. This is the same guy who weaponized social media like a teenager with a burner account. The same guy who cozied up to tech billionaires when it suited him. And now he wants us to believe he’s the hero in this story? Please. The only thing Trump and Big Tech have in common is that they both believe they’re untouchable.
And yet, here we are. Stuck between a tech bro dystopia and a Trumpian fever dream. It’s like choosing between getting hit by a Tesla or run over by a MAGA truck. Either way, you’re screwed, but at least one of them plays techno music while it crushes you.
So what’s the solution? Do we need regulation? Absolutely. Do we need to hold these billionaires accountable? You bet. But trusting Trump to do it is like trusting a fox to guard the henhouse—except this fox is wearing a red tie and shouting about witch hunts.
At the end of the day, this isn’t about us. It’s about power. It’s about billionaires fighting billionaires while the rest of us are left holding the bag—or, more accurately, the subscription fees, the data breaches, and the conspiracy theories that flood our feeds. We’re the collateral damage in their war games.
So here’s my pitch. Instead of letting Trump go after Big Tech, let’s turn it into a pay-per-view event. Put Bezos, Zuck, Musk, and Trump in a room, lock the doors, and let them duke it out. No lawyers, no lobbyists, just raw ego and bad ideas. The winner gets to keep their yacht, and the loser has to work customer service at Amazon for a year. Now that’s a reality show I’d actually watch.
