On a day where oil giants are pumping profits, Big Tech is sweating bullets, and the world’s chaos is hitting new creative lows, today’s headlines bring us a bizarre cocktail of ambition, scandal, and old-world absurdity. Exxon Mobil is drilling into the future with plans to flood the market, BYD is racing to electrify the globe, and the FTC is gearing up for a Big Tech takedown. Meanwhile, witch hunts—yes, actual witch hunts—are somehow making a comeback in Haiti, proving once again that reality is stranger (and darker) than fiction. Buckle up, folks—it’s a wild ride.
Business/Finance
- Exxon Mobil is flexing harder than a bodybuilder in a tank top, planning to boost oil and gas output by 18%. They’re hitting up the Permian Basin and Guyana like a foodie on a buffet tour. Annual spending is jumping to $33 billion—because who needs a planet when you’ve got profits, am I right?
- BYD, China’s Tesla on steroids, is racing to outsell Ford and Honda like it’s a competitive sport. They’ve already sold 3.76 million EVs this year, which means somewhere Elon Musk is furiously tweeting “BUT WE’RE COOLER.”
- Mao Geping’s cosmetics IPO is priced at the top—because why wouldn’t a company selling lipsticks in a collapsing economy rake in $270 million? Their e-commerce sales are popping off, proving we’ll buy anything with a “limited edition” sticker slapped on it.
Technology/Science
- Breaking news: President-elect Trump wants Andrew Ferguson to lead the FTC. Why? Because the man hates Big Tech more than my uncle hates kale. Ferguson plans to fight Big Tech censorship… by censoring it more? My brain is buffering trying to process that logic.
- The DOJ is looking into foreign funding for patent lawsuits. Apparently, shady foreign entities are using our courts like a Dollar Store espionage kit. Who knew suing Americans was a shortcut to stealing their secrets? Stay classy, global villains.
Politics
- The Federal Reserve is cutting rates by 25 basis points, probably because the economy is looking shakier than a Jenga tower in an earthquake. They’ll pause in January, just in time for Trump’s inauguration, because what says “economic stability” better than “Let’s wing it!”
- Speaking of Trump, he picked Andrew Ferguson for the FTC, ensuring that Big Tech is about to have a very bad time. Amazon and Meta are sweating harder than a teenager caught sneaking out past curfew.
World News Events
- In Haiti, gangs have killed 180 people over witchcraft accusations. Yes, it’s 2024, but apparently, we’re still blaming magic for our problems. Somewhere, Harry Potter just packed up and left.
- Over in Syria, families are searching for loved ones detained in Sednaya prison—a place so grim it makes Azkaban look like a Sandals resort. Meanwhile, the world shrugs and goes back to doomscrolling.
- In the U.S., a UnitedHealth executive was murdered, and the suspect, Luigi Mangione, was caught in Pennsylvania. You’d think “Luigi Mangione” was a character from a mob movie, but nope, he’s just out here bringing real-life “Law & Order” drama.
That’s your news, folks—where reality is funnier, scarier, and somehow more absurd than any punchline I could come up with.
