The latest pearl of wisdom from the political seas comes courtesy of Mitch McConnell, the Senate Minority Leader with the charisma of a soggy saltine. McConnell recently criticized a federal judge for retiring at the ripe old age of 95. Ninety-five! Let me put this in perspective for you: this man has lived through 15 presidents, 2 world wars, and every single Kardashian scandal, and Mitch is upset that he’s hanging up the gavel. If I live to 95, I don’t want to be making legal decisions—I want to be deciding whether it’s worth the effort to get out of bed.
Let’s unpack this slowly because, apparently, Mitch thinks life is like a Supreme Court term: you start and you never stop, even if you’re nodding off between decisions. Forget hobbies, family, or the idea that you’ve earned a rest after seven decades of service—McConnell’s philosophy is that public servants should work until the Grim Reaper taps them on the shoulder mid-sentence.
What’s especially delightful about Mitch’s criticism is its absolute lack of self-awareness. This is the same guy who spent the last 15 years prioritizing judges who view the Constitution as if it were written by Moses himself. He’s been out here treating the federal judiciary like a Build-A-Bear Workshop, stuffing it with his own ideological fluff. But the moment someone decides, hey, maybe I’ve done enough, Mitch throws a fit like a toddler who just found out recess is over.
Retirement, according to McConnell’s unspoken logic, is apparently a sign of weakness. Never mind that this judge has likely forgotten more about the law than most of us will ever know. In Mitch’s world, if you’ve still got a pulse, you’re on the clock. It’s a miracle he hasn’t suggested installing cots in courtrooms so judges can keep ruling from beyond the grave.
Of course, this isn’t about public service or some noble dedication to justice. No, no, no. This is about power. Mitch knows that every empty judicial seat is a political goldmine, a chance to stick in someone who will rule exactly the way he wants until the end of time—or at least until the next asteroid wipes us out. He’s upset about this retirement because it opens the door for someone else to influence the future, and that, my friends, is Mitch’s worst nightmare.
Let’s not pretend this is an isolated incident, either. McConnell has spent decades building his brand as the Grinch of governance, stealing judicial seats with a level of finesse that would make Ocean’s Eleven jealous. Remember Merrick Garland? Mitch held that Supreme Court seat hostage for nearly a year under the flimsiest excuse imaginable. But now, when a judge voluntarily steps down, Mitch acts like it’s an affront to democracy.
And can we talk about the timing of this outrage? Because it’s rich. Mitch is criticizing retirement while presiding over one of the most dysfunctional Senates in modern history. This is a guy whose idea of a productive day is blocking a bill with a title longer than the number of minutes he’s spent thinking about the average American’s problems. If anyone needs to retire, it’s the people who’ve been clogging up Congress like a hairball in a shower drain.
But no, Mitch thinks the judiciary is the hill to die on. Not healthcare, not infrastructure, not even climate change—just the sacred mission of making sure people work until their eyelids give out. The irony, of course, is that Mitch himself is no spring chicken. He’s been in the Senate since 1985, which means he’s spent nearly 40 years talking about term limits while ignoring the nearest calendar.
If this whole spectacle weren’t so infuriating, it would be hilarious. Imagine criticizing someone for retiring at 95. That’s like scolding a marathon runner for taking a water break after 26 miles. Or better yet, it’s like complaining that your favorite actor stopped making movies after they won an Oscar and wrote their memoir. The man has earned his rest, Mitch. Let him enjoy whatever’s left of his golden years without dragging him into your endless power plays.
In the end, this isn’t about one judge or even one retirement. It’s about the larger dysfunction in our political system, where everything—including when you’re allowed to stop working—is a pawn in someone’s game. Mitch McConnell has perfected the art of outrage, turning every event, no matter how benign, into a rallying cry for his own agenda. And the saddest part? We let him get away with it.
So let’s take a moment to applaud this federal judge for doing what so many others in Washington refuse to do: recognize when it’s time to step aside. Because if there’s one lesson we can all learn, it’s this: no one, not even Mitch McConnell, is indispensable. And judging by his recent comments, maybe it’s time for him to take that lesson to heart.
