Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In what can only be described as a plot twist worthy of a daytime soap opera—if that soap opera were written by Kafka on a particularly cynical day—the GOP has taken a firm stand. And that stand, ladies and gents, isn’t on the side of a hefty bipartisan national security bill.
No, it seems like our Republican friends would rather waltz into the ballroom of politics with shiny shoes prepped for stepping not on the dance floor, but squarely on the toes of progression. They’ve got their sights locked onto that ever-menacing adversary: “woke culture.” Because why handle mundane things like national security when you can be the Don Quixote of culture wars?
The Breakdown
- 1. Captain America vs. The Invisible Enemy: Oh, the horror, the travesty—the “woke” mindsets infiltrating the sturdy, unfaltering ranks of our nation’s protectors. With laser focus, the GOP is lining up to battle this intangible threat while the bipartisan security bill, which is as tangible as the paper it’s printed on, gathers as much attention as a mime at a rock concert.
- 2. Budget Schmudget: Why bother with numbers and figures, or the snooze fest that is fiscal responsibility, when you can sling verbal mud pies about irrelevancies? Investing in national security is so passe when there’s an opportunity to invest in some good old-fashioned fear-mongering.
- 3. Enemies at the Gates—and They’re Speaking Spanish!: As the logic goes, it’s not the foreign adversaries with the nukes we should worry about, it’s the domestic ones wielding the Spanish-English dictionaries. Why guard the fort when you can obsess over the correctness of ‘Latinx’?
- 4. No Bill Left Behind—or Passed: In a bold move, the GOP has taken the educational mantra “No Child Left Behind” to new legislative heights. Not content to leave only children in their wake, they’ve expanded their generosity to encompass important security measures.
- 5. Democracy: The Reality TV Show: As citizens eager for substantive policymaking, let’s give a round of applause for the GOP turning governance into the latest reality TV show. Who needs “Survivor” when you’ve got “Capitol Hill: Woke Wars”?
The Counter
- 1. Mind Over Matter: Clearly, national security is a state of mind. If we all just believe we’re secure, won’t that make it so? Positive thinking trumps perfectly good legislation, right?
- 2. Fiscal Gymnastics: What is money if not something to be thrown at problems you’ve convinced yourself exist? Forget added security measures—awareness of what doesn’t truly threaten us is priceless.
- 3. Language, The Ultimate Weapon: Some suggest that the pen is mightier than the sword, but the GOP knows better. The real weapon? Language. Let’s have policy debates in Esperanto and Ubbi Dubbi to throw them off.
- 4. The Value of Space: In a world suffering from overconsumption, the GOP has taken a Marie Kondo approach to the legislative process—if a bill doesn’t spark joy or xenophobia, why pass it?
- 5. When Every Day is Opposite Day: In the utopia the GOP envisions, every day is Opposite Day. Why do today what you can indefinitely postpone while riling up the base over statues and salutations?
The Hot Take
Well, if I were the captain of this hilariously off-course ship, I’d suggest navigating towards the less-charted waters of common sense. But hey, that’s just too straightforward, isn’t it? Instead of throwing tax dollars at phantom problems, we could actually invest in the kind of security that doesn’t just sound nice in a 30-second campaign ad but protects our collective tuchuses in the real world.
How about fixing glaring infrastructure vulnerabilities and dialing back the drama just a touch? Maybe sprinkle a bit of that old-fashioned “let’s actually do something” attitude, and, I don’t know, secure the nation for real? Crazy, but it just might work.
Source: House GOP is focused on ‘woke culture war’ instead of bipartisan national security bill
