Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
In a bizarre twist of fate that even the Coen brothers wouldn’t have been able to predict, Steve Bannon— the embodiment of a walking, talking inflammatory comment—has decided to grace us with his latest revelation: the United States is “Not a Democracy”. Well, hold the phone and stop the press, folks!
We’ve got ourselves a real clairvoyant here. In an interview that sparked less joy than a wet match in a snowstorm, Bannon attempted to school us—mere mortals—on the true nature of the U.S. political system. Never mind the minutiae of constitutional design; Steve’s here to break it down for us, with the subtlety of a sledgehammer.
The Breakdown
- Welcome to Oligarchy Estates – Population? Just Us
- Bannon claims that a small group of elites are running the show, as if this were some sort of exclusive performance on Broadway. I always thought democracy was more of a choose-your-own-adventure, but according to Steve, it’s more like being stuck in the audience of a show you didn’t pick, can’t leave, and where the critics are mysteriously all on the payroll.
- Bannon claims that a small group of elites are running the show, as if this were some sort of exclusive performance on Broadway. I always thought democracy was more of a choose-your-own-adventure, but according to Steve, it’s more like being stuck in the audience of a show you didn’t pick, can’t leave, and where the critics are mysteriously all on the payroll.
- ‘Of the People’ Sounds Like a Nice Slogan, But Who’s Buying?
- America has been pushing this ‘by the people, for the people’ schtick for so long that when someone comes out saying it might just be a tagline, it’s like finding out the Tooth Fairy is really just your dad with his hand under your pillow. Steve’s got the scoop, and apparently, we’ve been trading our actual votes for those little “I Voted” stickers.
- America has been pushing this ‘by the people, for the people’ schtick for so long that when someone comes out saying it might just be a tagline, it’s like finding out the Tooth Fairy is really just your dad with his hand under your pillow. Steve’s got the scoop, and apparently, we’ve been trading our actual votes for those little “I Voted” stickers.
- Ballots or Ballast? Floating the Ship of State
- Bannon could argue the vote’s gone the way of the dodo, except he’d probably blame said extinction on the way modern politics pander to everyone except, well, the dodos. According to him, our ballots might as well be used to balance ships, given the weight they carry in steering anything.
- Bannon could argue the vote’s gone the way of the dodo, except he’d probably blame said extinction on the way modern politics pander to everyone except, well, the dodos. According to him, our ballots might as well be used to balance ships, given the weight they carry in steering anything.
- The Secret Puppeteers: Pulling Strings and Wallets
- Ah, there it is. The grand conspiracy, where the political elite aren’t just behind the curtain, they ARE the curtain. And according to Bannon, we’re all just watching a shadow puppet show where the real decisions are being made with a handshake behind the scenes and a nudge-nudge, wink-wink to the bank account.
- Ah, there it is. The grand conspiracy, where the political elite aren’t just behind the curtain, they ARE the curtain. And according to Bannon, we’re all just watching a shadow puppet show where the real decisions are being made with a handshake behind the scenes and a nudge-nudge, wink-wink to the bank account.
- The Ivy League Illuminati and Their Fiendish Fraternity
- The only thing missing from Bannon’s description of the elite is a secret handshake and decoder rings. Allegedly, these folks graduated cum laude from Elite University with a minor in Manipulation and a major in Puppetry, ready to control the unwashed masses with their gilded diplomas.
- The only thing missing from Bannon’s description of the elite is a secret handshake and decoder rings. Allegedly, these folks graduated cum laude from Elite University with a minor in Manipulation and a major in Puppetry, ready to control the unwashed masses with their gilded diplomas.
The Counter
- Democracy’s Just Going Through a Phase, Mom
- Sure, democracy might have dyed its hair black and is listening to a lot of My Chemical Romance right now, but it doesn’t mean it’s not working out its issues. I mean, what’s a little existential crisis among friends?
- Sure, democracy might have dyed its hair black and is listening to a lot of My Chemical Romance right now, but it doesn’t mean it’s not working out its issues. I mean, what’s a little existential crisis among friends?
- It’s Not a Bug, It’s a Feature!
- In the tech world, this is what we’d call a ‘creative interpretation’ of the operating system. Our Founding Fathers were really into Easter eggs, and it turns out our whole political system was a ‘choose your adventure’ book, and we’ve just been stuck on the same page for a while.
- In the tech world, this is what we’d call a ‘creative interpretation’ of the operating system. Our Founding Fathers were really into Easter eggs, and it turns out our whole political system was a ‘choose your adventure’ book, and we’ve just been stuck on the same page for a while.
- The Voter’s Choice: Between a Rock and a Hard Poll
- Really, when it comes to voting, are we disappointed because it’s ineffectual, or because we forgot to read the instructions? Yes, it’s like choosing a dish at a restaurant where the menu’s in hieroglyphics, but it doesn’t mean we’re not choosing… sort of.
- Really, when it comes to voting, are we disappointed because it’s ineffectual, or because we forgot to read the instructions? Yes, it’s like choosing a dish at a restaurant where the menu’s in hieroglyphics, but it doesn’t mean we’re not choosing… sort of.
- Conspiracy Theorists Anonymous: Meetings Held in the Back of Your Local Diner
- Listen, I love a good yarn about the hidden overlords as much as the next guy, but when it comes to believing that the Illuminati are really just the debate club from Yale, I think I left my tin foil hat at the dry cleaner’s.
- Listen, I love a good yarn about the hidden overlords as much as the next guy, but when it comes to believing that the Illuminati are really just the debate club from Yale, I think I left my tin foil hat at the dry cleaner’s.
- Meet the New Boss, Exactly the Same as the Old Boss
- ‘Vote for change’ they said; it’ll be fun they said. The biggest plot twist here is there’s no plot twist. We went from King George to a newer model—Democracy 2.0—now with the added illusion of choice and twice the disappointment!
- ‘Vote for change’ they said; it’ll be fun they said. The biggest plot twist here is there’s no plot twist. We went from King George to a newer model—Democracy 2.0—now with the added illusion of choice and twice the disappointment!
The Hot Take
If democracy were a sitcom, we’d be hitting season 237, and the writers are clearly out of fresh ideas. Bannon’s suggestion that the US isn’t a democracy anymore is like saying water is wet—insightful, I know. What’s more comedic than his statement is the fact some people might actually find it surprising.
Now, from my liberal fireside—fueled by organic, sustainably-sourced timber—I say we give Herr Bannon a slow clap for figuring out what political humorists have known since Washington crossed the Delaware: of course, there’s a grain of truth in every joke. The problem is, once you get everyone laughing, getting them to do something about it is like herding bipartisan cats.
So, here’s a ‘hot take’ fresh from the oven: let’s lean in to our democratic roots like we’re hugging a beloved, albeit somewhat confused, grandparent. Voting isn’t just for show, it’s performance art with civic duty sprinkle on top. And if those in power won’t listen to ballots, they’ll sure as hell listen to laughing stocks. So keep voting, keep speaking and, for democracy’s sake, keep laughing—it’s the best medicine we can prescribe for our aging political system.
