Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Alright, folks. Are we seriously doing this again? Like a stage-four return of the horror movie franchise that won’t end, we’re being treated to yet another Trump and Biden debate. The geriatric showdown of 2024, starring: The Orange Man with the charisma of a balloon animal artist at a toddler’s birthday party, and the Guy Who Talks Like He’s Waiting for an Internet Page to Load.
I watched 19 of these debates, which is more than any human brain should be subjected to. That’s right, nineteen. By the end, I started questioning my life choices. Somewhere between Trump’s “greatest hits” of nonsensical blather and Biden mumbling like he was haggling for a price at a flea market, my sanity packed its bags and left.
Trump’s Strategy
Let’s talk about Trump for a moment. The man has all the nuance of a chainsaw in a library. His entire strategy is to talk over everyone and repeat the same phrases until we collectively lose the will to interrupt him. It’s like watching a toddler discovering he can say “no.” His performance is so predictable, I’m almost impressed by his dedication to staying the course. It’s a masterclass in sticking to your schtick.
Imagine a drinking game where you take a shot every time Trump repeats himself. Now, I’m not advocating binge drinking, but let’s just say you’d be thanking the liver gods by the end of the night. You’re welcome, cirrhosis researchers.
Biden’s Mumbled Wisdom
And then there’s Biden. Oh, Joe… sweet, sweet Joe. The guy looks like he’s constantly struggling to order a sandwich at a deli where he’s forgotten the word for “ham.” Joe, is the teleprompter broken or are you just testing our patience?
Now, don’t get me wrong—Biden occasionally hits a point like a dartboard pro. But the journey to those moments of clarity? It’s like riding a bicycle with square wheels. You know he’s got something profound tucked away in that noggin, but it takes a map, a compass, and the patience of a saint to get there.
The Showdown
So, what’s the big deal with this Thursday? Well, it’s the first debate of 2024. Who’s going to win? Us, if it ends quickly. These two old coots are like grumpy Muppets in a never-ending skit. One would almost expect Gonzo and Fozzie Bear to pop out and say they’ve had enough, which, trust me, we all have.
Is it too much to ask for a coherent sentence or an answer that sounds like it wasn’t auto-generated by a Speak & Spell? We’re not asking for Shakespeare, just a smidgen of intelligence that doesn’t make us yearn for death’s sweet embrace.
Audience’s Perspective
Think about the audience. Half of them are sitting there like they’re in traffic school, praying for divine intervention, while the other half are so engrossed, you’d think they’re watching paint dry. It’s less of a debate and more of a fever dream.
And then, of course, there’s the internet peanut gallery. Social media will be lit up like a Christmas tree, with hashtags and memes that will outlive us all. There will be gifs. Oh, the gifs. If something can be turned into a looped three-second clip, you better believe the internet will get it done.
Last Debate Ever?
I can’t help but wonder if we’re nearing the end of the line for these debate formats. Can’t we replace them with a more humane way of torturing ourselves? Maybe a gladiator-style event where they solve puzzles or play a giant Jenga. At least then, we’d have some tangible destruction to look forward to instead of the slow, relentless erosion of our expectations.
Conclusion
In conclusion, watching these two debate is like attending a circus where the clowns have stage fright and the ringmaster is having a stroke. You know it’s supposed to be entertaining, but it’s just uncomfortable for everyone involved. Maybe it’s time for the circus to pack up its tent and find new acts—ones that don’t involve making us weep for the future.
So gear up for Thursday, folks! Make sure your snacks are plentiful and your expectations low. Lower. Keep going… there you go. Because this is less about democracy in action and more about human endurance. We’re in for one wild, incoherent ride.
Source: We watched 19 Trump and Biden debate performances. Here’s what to expect Thursday.
