Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In the maximalist high-stakes poker game that is American justice, there’s always room for a side bet or two – especially when it’s played in the lavish casino of public opinion. The latest jackpot dilemma, per reports buzzing through the internet, is whether our beloved former reality-star-turned-president, The Donald, is truly unable to cough up a not-so-measly $454M bond. Ah, but the plot thickens, as it always must, with Letitia James, ever the astute attorney general of New York, expressing her ‘doubts’ about Trump’s supposed cash-flow problem as the pressure cooker’s timer ticks down menacingly.
The Breakdown
- Trump’s Empty Piggy Bank?
- Oh, to imagine a world where counting couch cushion change might cover a $454M bond. Trump’s alleged financial shenanigans have led to a Bond, not James, but the kind you pay to avoid more trouble – a role reversal our protagonist may not find very amusing.
- Oh, to imagine a world where counting couch cushion change might cover a $454M bond. Trump’s alleged financial shenanigans have led to a Bond, not James, but the kind you pay to avoid more trouble – a role reversal our protagonist may not find very amusing.
- Letitia’s Lorgnette
- With the precision of a high society dame peeking through her opera glasses, Letitia James squints at Trump’s claimed poverty with all the skepticism of a cat watching a mouse recite Shakespeare – you don’t really believe those squeaks, do you?
- With the precision of a high society dame peeking through her opera glasses, Letitia James squints at Trump’s claimed poverty with all the skepticism of a cat watching a mouse recite Shakespeare – you don’t really believe those squeaks, do you?
- The Deadline Dance
- Assets in the Wild
- It’s alleged that The Donald might be playing a shell game with assets wilder than a Jumanji round. Is Trump holding a royal flush or just bluffing with a pair of twos? Meanwhile, James is ready, shine on her shoes, to tapdance around legal loopholes.
- It’s alleged that The Donald might be playing a shell game with assets wilder than a Jumanji round. Is Trump holding a royal flush or just bluffing with a pair of twos? Meanwhile, James is ready, shine on her shoes, to tapdance around legal loopholes.
- The World Watches, Popcorn in Hand
- Across globes and timelines, the masses munch on metaphorical popcorn, eyes locked onto the saga. Will he find the treasure chest buried in the backyard of Mar-a-Lago, or will this turn into an episode of ‘Storage Wars – Presidential Edition’?
- Across globes and timelines, the masses munch on metaphorical popcorn, eyes locked onto the saga. Will he find the treasure chest buried in the backyard of Mar-a-Lago, or will this turn into an episode of ‘Storage Wars – Presidential Edition’?
The Counter
- He’s Good for It, Just Ask Putin
- Surely, a man with such unyielding admiration for the bare-chested bear-wrangler of the East has a Siberian money tree or two up his sleeve – or so we’d whimsically hope.
- Surely, a man with such unyielding admiration for the bare-chested bear-wrangler of the East has a Siberian money tree or two up his sleeve – or so we’d whimsically hope.
- Liquid Assets? Try Solid Gold Toilets
- Who needs liquidity when the ‘throne’ alone could bail out a small country’s debt? The art of the deal was clearly meant to be interpreted as the art of the décor.
- Who needs liquidity when the ‘throne’ alone could bail out a small country’s debt? The art of the deal was clearly meant to be interpreted as the art of the décor.
- Friends in Low (or High) Places
- When you’re a star, they let you do it, or so the Soundbite Laureate once opined. Surely in his constellation of cronies, there’s a spare checkbook floating around – or did they all penny-wise up?
- When you’re a star, they let you do it, or so the Soundbite Laureate once opined. Surely in his constellation of cronies, there’s a spare checkbook floating around – or did they all penny-wise up?
- Go Fund Me, Presidential Edition
- With the modesty of a monarch, perhaps a subtweets to his followers might unleash the deluge of ‘small loan’ raindrops culminating in the ultimate golden parachute.
- With the modesty of a monarch, perhaps a subtweets to his followers might unleash the deluge of ‘small loan’ raindrops culminating in the ultimate golden parachute.
- Executive Privilege Extends to Pocket Lint
- Because when you’ve signed enough executive orders, maybe – just maybe – that strokes some gold leafing onto the fish in your financial net.
- Because when you’ve signed enough executive orders, maybe – just maybe – that strokes some gold leafing onto the fish in your financial net.
The Hot Take
Ah, here we are, basking in the sweltering heat of ‘The Hot Take’, where we fashion outrageous liberal blowtorches to cauterize the wound of financial ambiguity with extreme prejudice. How to fix a problem like a four hundred fifty-four million dollar question? Well, how about a progressive puzzler: tax the rich till the coins come home.
A dime for every hot tweet, a quarter for each time ‘tremendous’ graces the airwaves; we’d be rolling in rubber-banded stacks in no time. Or we could take it to reality television – ‘Celebrity Bond Buster’ hosted by James herself, where billionaires dodge obstacles to unlock their asset-filled chests. It’s all in jest, of course, but laughter’s the best medicine, even if the country seems to be diagnosing itself lately by reading the dregs of a coffee cup rather than the writing on the wall.
Source: Letitia James doubts Trump is ‘truly unable’ to come up with $454M bond as deadline to pay up inches closer
