Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

Source: ‘Clan War’ Breaking Out Inside Putin’s Close Circle: ISW

The Details

In what reads like a freshly churned out script of a political soap opera, our comrades over in the Kremlin seem to be entangled in a juicy “Clan War.” Not the kind where you need to wash the blood off your broadsword but the kind that probably has you sweating in your fancy leather chair as allegiances shift faster than a teen’s mood on prom night. The Institute for the Study of War (ISW), in their latest rendition of ‘As the Kremlin Turns,’ reports that Vladdy’s inner circle is getting shakier than a freshman during finals week, and let me tell you, it’s a whole new brand of russian around.

Top 5 Sarcastic Breakdown Bullets:

1. The Oligarch Olympics: Who Will Stumble on the Gold?
   • Apparently, Putin’s pals are tripping over their own feet trying to grab power faster than a toddler snatches candy. It’s less like a political game and more like a drunk relay with nuclear codes as the baton.
2. Pass the Blame Parcel: Hot Potato Kremlin Edition
   • Who knew accountability could be treated like a game of dodgeball? Every time something goes south, it’s like watching adults play musical chairs trying to find a scapegoat faster than you can say ‘sanctions’.
3. The Disappearing Act: Now You See Them, Now You’re Siberian
   • In Russia, job security within the upper echelons is as stable as Jell-O in an earthquake. One day you’re in, and the next, you’re on a ‘sudden and permanent’ Siberian vacation. By invitation only, no RSVP needed.
4. The Great Russian Road Trip: Destination Unknown
   • With Putin’s friends dropping off the map, it’s less of a roadmap to power and more of a one-way ticket to ‘Where in the World is My Political Career?’
5. Kremlin’s Got Talent: The Search for a Political Superstar
   • Move aside, Simon Cowell; the real cutthroat competition is not on TV. It’s in the presidential talent show where the grand prize is a game of hot-seat with the parliament and the parting gift is a full-fledged media scandal.

Top 5 Sardonic Counter Points:

1. The Spy Who Hugged Me: Everyone Loves a Good Bro-mance
   • Because nothing solidifies friendship like mutual paranoia and the love language of betrayal. Bro hugs for everyone—or are those just pat-downs for wiretaps?
2. It’s Not You, It’s Me: Putin Plays the Dating Game
   • Putin’s leadership style resembles speed dating, but instead of romantic hopefuls, it’s political allies, and the ghosting involves actual ghosts.
3. The Loyalty Lottery: Roll the Dice, Save Your Neck
   • Stay loyal, play your cards right, and you might just hit the jackpot—or end up disinherited faster than Cinderella on her stepmother’s bad day.
4. Survivor: Kremlin Edition – Outwit, Outplay, Outlast
   • In this high-stakes game, immunity idols are as real as a politician’s promise. The only difference is, getting voted off the island means “volunteering” for more…intense projects.
5. The Family Feud: Steve Harvey Can’t Save You Now
   • With the infighting among Putin’s inner circle, who needs TV game shows for entertainment? Though somehow, I doubt Steve Harvey’s charm would smooth things over in this family gathering.

The Hot Take

In true liberal fashion, if I were to wave my magic wand and sprinkle a little democracy dust on the situation, here’s what you’d get: cozy conflict resolution therapy for all Kremlin insiders, complete with participation trophies and trust falls. They could use their surplus of tracking devices and eavesdropping gear to instead host the world’s largest podcast, where each week, a new ousted official shares their tales and coping strategies for post-Kremlin life. Meanwhile, Putin could pivot from dictator to influencer, livestreaming the economic and political reforms while practicing transparency. Oh, and it’s all underwritten by a crowdfunded Patreon account, obviously. Because nothing’s more liberal than a touch of utopian tech-sociology to solve a retrograde authoritarian conundrum, right?