Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In an attempt to claw through a mountain of legal bills, which could probably be seen from the moon with the naked eye, it seems our former President Trump has found a new revenue stream. He’s selling Bibles. Yes, those Bibles. But before you think it’s just any old testament to thriftiness, this holy scripture comes with a ‘God Bless the USA’ stamp and a price tag that could make Judas reconsider inflation. And for just $59.99, you too can own what might soon become a collector’s item in the grand bazaar of presidential memorabilia.
The Breakdown:
- Biblical Proportions of Irony:
- In what could be the eighth wonder of the merchandising world, Trump’s ‘God Bless the USA’ Bibles might just be the most extravagant example of missing the point since Judas decided thirty pieces of silver sounded like a fair price. This divine edition not only includes the good book itself, but also a gold-leaf impression. Because nothing says humility like a little bit of bling.
- In what could be the eighth wonder of the merchandising world, Trump’s ‘God Bless the USA’ Bibles might just be the most extravagant example of missing the point since Judas decided thirty pieces of silver sounded like a fair price. This divine edition not only includes the good book itself, but also a gold-leaf impression. Because nothing says humility like a little bit of bling.
- The Art of the Steal:
- Borrowing from his very own ‘Art of the Deal,’ Trump now ventures into the realms of spiritual commerce. For less than sixty bucks, you get the wisdom of the ages, now with the added bonus of funding legal defense against wisdom of this age. It’s almost like turning water into wine, if by wine, we mean cold hard cash.
- Borrowing from his very own ‘Art of the Deal,’ Trump now ventures into the realms of spiritual commerce. For less than sixty bucks, you get the wisdom of the ages, now with the added bonus of funding legal defense against wisdom of this age. It’s almost like turning water into wine, if by wine, we mean cold hard cash.
- Prosperity Gospel 2.0:
- Prosperity theology has a new golden calf, and it’s wrapped in leather—or imitation leather, for the budget-conscious sinner. This new Bible comes complete with a promise to Make America Holy Again, one overpriced scripture at a time.
- Prosperity theology has a new golden calf, and it’s wrapped in leather—or imitation leather, for the budget-conscious sinner. This new Bible comes complete with a promise to Make America Holy Again, one overpriced scripture at a time.
- Autograph Almighty:
- For an additional fee, you can get your holy book signed by the man himself. It’s like having a piece of the Mount Sinai experience, except it’s less stone tablets and more ledger books. Who knew the path to salvation included a signature?
- For an additional fee, you can get your holy book signed by the man himself. It’s like having a piece of the Mount Sinai experience, except it’s less stone tablets and more ledger books. Who knew the path to salvation included a signature?
- Swear on a Gilded Bible:
- Courtrooms across the country are bracing for the moment when these Bibles become the go-to choice for swearing in witnesses. Perjury has never been so patriotic, nor so financially stimulating.
- Courtrooms across the country are bracing for the moment when these Bibles become the go-to choice for swearing in witnesses. Perjury has never been so patriotic, nor so financially stimulating.
The Counter:
- Divine Investment:
- Consider this purchase a long-term investment in spiritual and national prosperity. After all, if you’re going to build a camel and try to thread it through the eye of a needle, you might as well gild it first.
- Consider this purchase a long-term investment in spiritual and national prosperity. After all, if you’re going to build a camel and try to thread it through the eye of a needle, you might as well gild it first.
- Multiplying Bread and Fish, and Money:
- Loaves and fishes are so first-century. In a modern twist, we’re multiplying dollars and sense—mostly dollars. Miracles always were a crowd-pleaser.
- Loaves and fishes are so first-century. In a modern twist, we’re multiplying dollars and sense—mostly dollars. Miracles always were a crowd-pleaser.
- Signature Salvation:
- With every signed copy, a little piece of Trump’s business acumen is infused into the scriptures, ensuring your path to enlightenment is paved with entrepreneurial spirit.
- With every signed copy, a little piece of Trump’s business acumen is infused into the scriptures, ensuring your path to enlightenment is paved with entrepreneurial spirit.
- Litigation Leviticus:
- Ignore the Levites; we’re now subscribing to the book of Litigation, where every verse helps fund a lawyer and every chapter is a potential tax write-off.
- Ignore the Levites; we’re now subscribing to the book of Litigation, where every verse helps fund a lawyer and every chapter is a potential tax write-off.
- Commandment 11: Thou Shalt Not Miss Out on Merch:
- Missed out on MAGA hats and Trump Steaks? Fear not, for Commandment number 11 is here: Thou shalt have ample opportunity to contribute to the legal fund.
- Missed out on MAGA hats and Trump Steaks? Fear not, for Commandment number 11 is here: Thou shalt have ample opportunity to contribute to the legal fund.
The Hot Take:
If Moses had come down from the mountain with a set of gold-leafed commandments priced at $59.99 a pop, perhaps Exodus would’ve been a less taxing journey. The problem with Trump’s latest attempt to merge commerce with scripture is less about what he’s selling and more about the how. To fix this, let’s return to the core values—like maybe actually reading the Bibles before selling them for profit.
Rather than wringing the life, and cash, from every American institution, perhaps a bit of that entrepreneurial energy could be channeled into… affordable healthcare, education, or infrastructure. You know, all those pesky things that don’t quite fit into a shopping cart but seem to matter to the general public.
In the spirit of giving, let’s offer up some solutions that don’t involve leather-bound books: How about a Trump-branded charity that actually gives back to the community? Or better yet, an affordable line of suits that don’t look like you’re wearing a tent with lapels? We appreciate the effort to balance the books, but maybe it’s time to let the good book be just that—a book, not a business opportunity.
Source: Trump is selling ‘God Bless the USA’ Bibles for $59.99 as he faces mounting legal bills
