Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In what feels like a late-night infomercial pitch, Minneapolis has decided to put a quantifiable price on trauma. For witnessing the brutal and widely publicized incident that led to George Floyd’s death, and developing a subsequent PTSD, the city figured out that $150,000 should patch things up nicely.
But let’s not kid ourselves—money heals all wounds, right? At least, that’s the sort of inspiring message you might get if your lawsuit finds a sympathetic ear in the Land of 10,000 Lakes (and apparently, 10,000 theories on mental health reparation).
The Breakdown:
- Price Tags on Trauma—One Size Fits All?
Remember when you could just put a Band-Aid on a skinned knee and call it a day? Well, Minneapolis has its own version for psychological scarring! Just throw $150,000 at the problem and it’s as good as new. Who needs therapy when you have six figures soothing your pain? - PTSD Goes Prime Time
PTSD, previously restricted to the realms of difficult, lengthy psychological discussions and therapy sessions, is now taking center stage in financial settlement chats. PTSD is becoming as mainstream as avocado toast and TikTok dances, thanks to the Minneapolis Settlement Bureau. - The Shock Value Discount
$150,000 seems like a lot, but is it really, when we think about the emotional and psychological toll of witnessing a man’s life end? Perhaps this is just another blockbuster deal from the city, complete with shock value but lacking substancial empathy— Trauma Tuesday Sale, anyone? - Psychological Analyzing, Now in Dollar Form
Apparently, Minneapolis has its psychologists moonlighting as accountants or was it the other way around? Mental anguish now has a nice, neat cost analysis. Convenient, isn’t it? Solving deep-seated psychological issues via calculator sure takes the guesswork out of mental recovery. - Legal Lotto—You Witness, You Win?
Could this set a wild precedent? Witness a traumatic event, sue the city, and get paid. It’s like a twisted game show no one wants to be on. But if you do end up on it, you might just hit the jackpot—or at least cover your therapy bills.
The Counter:
- Money Can’t Buy Happiness (But It Can Buy Silence)
Who said money can’t solve your problems? Sure, it might not buy happiness, but it can certainly buy a decent car or a year’s rent. That should keep the nightmares away, right? - Avoidance Is the Best Policy
Maybe if everyone stops witnessing anything distressing, cities wouldn’t have to pay out large settlements. Just walk around with your eyes closed! Problem solved. - Therapy’s Overrated Anyway
Who needs years of therapy and emotional support when you can have a chunk of cash instead? Instant solution—just like instant noodles, quick, easy and not quite satisfying. - The ‘Just Get Over It’ Discount
What if every PTSD claim just needed a swift, “Oh, come on, just get over it!” Would that free up city funds for more essential things like, say, quirky art sculptures downtown? - DIY Mental Health
If the city is setting prices for trauma, maybe they can start a whole line of DIY mental health kits. Complete with a calculator, a standard legal form, and a “guide to valuing your own psychological damage” handbook.
The Hot Take:
Ah, what a world! Where witnessing a profound injustice leads not just to social unrest, and a national reckoning with racial injustice, but also to some bizarre form of cause-and-reward gameplay in the courts. Really, if we’re diving deep into the liberal toolkit, let’s pry open that can of accountability, sprinkle in radical transparency, and demand comprehensive policies on police training, community support and mental health resources.
Because let’s face it, no amount of dough is going to erase what was witnessed, nor should it. The problem isn’t the settlement; it’s the system that necessitates such a suit in the first place. Let’s fix that, and maybe, just maybe, we won’t need those “Congratulations on Your Trauma” checks in the future.
Let’s not pretend we’re fixing the underlying issues with payouts. Instead, how about actually addressing the roots of systemic injustices? Now, that would be truly groundbreaking—unlike our current approach, which feels more like putting a frosty bandage on a deep, festering wound.
Source: Minneapolis backs $150,000 settlement for George Floyd witness’s PTSD lawsuit
