Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In an almost Shakespearean twist, where irony meets gallows humor, it seems that the deep pockets in politics know no bounds—or ideologies, for that matter. In the latest episode of ‘Democracy, Schmocracy’, a billionaire with a wallet as fat as his political influence has decided that the best way to ensure a bountiful America is by pouring a river of cash into defeating a progressive lawmaker named Summer Lee.
Yes, folks, said billionaire, who probably finds it unbearable to walk past a mirror without tossing a hand kiss, is campaigning to install what we’ll call ‘an advocate of moderation’ because, clearly, progress was so last season.
The Breakdown
- The Billionaire Boogeyman Cometh
Apparently, spending on yacht polish and monocles doesn’t quite scratch the itch for our billionaire friend, so he’s decided to sprinkle a little of his gold dust in politics. What’s a few million dollars in a crusade to ensure that the status quo is less disturbed than his morning latte? Ah, the aroma of unbridled capitalism in the morning. - Moderation: The New Radical?
The word ‘moderate’ seems to have been rebranded to mean ‘someone who won’t frighten the horses (or the stock market).’ It’s like calling a fire extinguisher a proactive room temperature maintainer. By this logic, if moderation is radical, then calling someone ‘enthusiastically average’ should be the next big compliment. - Progressive? More Like Pro-gressive-a-headache!
Summer Lee must really be doing something right if she’s got the big guns aiming their checkbooks at her. It seems that wanting a fairer society is now akin to suggesting that we all live on Mars. Oh wait, some billionaires are actually trying to do that… - Who Needs Superheroes When You Have Super PACs?
Forget capes and tight-fitting suits; the real superheroes of our age wear business casual and wield the superpower of unlimited campaign finance. Watch in awe as they fight to protect the delicate sensibilities of moderate policies from the terrifying threat of…checks notes…accessible healthcare and social equity? - An Ode to the Status Quo
This fabled ‘status quo,’ upon which our billionaire seems to dote, must be akin to a sacred relic—like the Holy Grail, but instead of eternal life, it offers eternal tax cuts. Only a sinner, nay, a progressive, would dare to dream of something different. Heaven forbid!
The Counter
- Waiter, There’s Some Change in My Policy Soup!
I know change can be a hard pill to swallow, especially if you’re more used to silver spoons, but perhaps our philanthropic tycoon could try seasoning his power plays with a sprinkle of self-awareness. Just a thought. - Because What Are Billionaires If Not Relatable?
Who among us hasn’t felt that primal urge to choose a leader for thousands of people using nothing but our wallet? Oh, wait. That’s not you and me? That’s just the billionaires? Got it. - Democracy on Sale!
Attention shoppers, we’ve got a special on aisle five: one slightly bruised democracy going for the low, low price of… however much you’ve got in the bank! Don’t worry, it’s probably just a phase. Surely, the system will fix itself. - The Real Victims: Attack Ad Producers
In the midst of all this spending, let’s not forget the unsung heroes—the producers of attack ads. Without big money, how would these poor souls afford their gold-trimmed business cards? Won’t somebody please think of the attack ad execs?! - When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Donate Millions
Remember kids, if at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again with an obscene amount of money and influence. It’s the American way! After all, why argue policy when you can just outspend the opposition?
The Hot Take
So, my fellow unwitting audience of this tragicomedy, here’s the scalding take: Maybe—just maybe—we fix this leaky ship of democracy by patching up the hole where the money pours in. I know, I know; it’s a radical thought. Perhaps if political races weren’t treated like the Kentucky Derby for billionaires, we could have a fair shot at electing someone based on, dare I say, ideas?
Maybe if we limited campaign contributions to, I don’t know, an amount that a normal human being can afford, we’d get a government that’s truly by the people, for the people. And hey, if our billionaire philanthropist really wants to make a difference, might I suggest building a few playgrounds, funding some scholarships, or—if it’s not too progressive—paying a fair share of taxes?
Source: Billionaire Trump megadonor is funding “moderate” campaign to defeat progressive lawmaker Summer Lee
