Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Just when you thought ice hockey couldn’t get more thrilling with toothless grins and occasional on-ice dance-offs known as fights, the universe said, “Hold my beer.” Nick Jensen, a defenseman for the Washington Capitals, decided to turn a routine NHL game into a live demonstration of physics after a clashing encounter with the unforgiving boards. The man is conscious and alert, according to sources, but his hit has us pondering the fine line between a puck-chasing thrill and a chilling spill.
The Breakdown
- Paging Sir Isaac Newton: After getting a firsthand experience with gravity and inertia, Nick Jensen could probably teach physics better than my high school teacher while concussed.
- Jensen’s unplanned science experiment shows that the boards don’t budge, folks. They’re more unwavering than a politician’s promise on a campaign trail.
- Jensen’s unplanned science experiment shows that the boards don’t budge, folks. They’re more unwavering than a politician’s promise on a campaign trail.
- Human Pinball Machine: The incident was less NHL and more like something out of a sadistic arcade game where players score points by bouncing off obstacles.
- Honestly, someone should tell these players that flying across ice at high speeds and then stopping using your body as a brake pad is, on all accounts, a terrible idea.
- Honestly, someone should tell these players that flying across ice at high speeds and then stopping using your body as a brake pad is, on all accounts, a terrible idea.
- Vigilante Ice Justice: It wasn’t enough for players to flirt with danger at every turn. No, the ice had to serve its brand of chilling retribution.
- The rink giveth, and the rink taketh away. Amen. It proves once more that Mother Nature and her frozen counterpart are not to be trifled with.
- The rink giveth, and the rink taketh away. Amen. It proves once more that Mother Nature and her frozen counterpart are not to be trifled with.
- Hockey Helmet, Schmockey Helmet: The helmet might save your noggin, but what about the rest of you that’s left doing the cha-cha slide across the ice?
- Here’s a thought: Maybe let’s not just protect the head and leave the rest up for negotiation?
- Here’s a thought: Maybe let’s not just protect the head and leave the rest up for negotiation?
- Fan Fright Night: Horror movies have nothing on this. The blood-curdling board hits are the organic bread and butter of horror at a hockey game.
- It must be a new strategy to give fans a jarring spike of adrenaline, better than any jump scare cinema can offer.
- It must be a new strategy to give fans a jarring spike of adrenaline, better than any jump scare cinema can offer.
The Counter
- Charge of the Light Brigade: Sure, the hit looked terrifying, but Nick is fine, apparently. So, full steam ahead! No reason to rethink safety protocols or anything.
- Onward, warriors of the ice. What doesn’t kill you or send you into a dizzy spin probably makes you stronger, or at least makes for good TV.
- Onward, warriors of the ice. What doesn’t kill you or send you into a dizzy spin probably makes you stronger, or at least makes for good TV.
- Board Meetings: The boards may be inanimate, but they sure seem to have a thing for personal encounters with players. Maybe it’s time they’re included for team bonding activities.
- If players and boards spent more quality time together, perhaps they’d be less keen on these violent run-ins.
- If players and boards spent more quality time together, perhaps they’d be less keen on these violent run-ins.
- Armor Up: Instead of reevaluating the dangers of the sport, maybe let’s make players wear full medieval armor. It’s a sport and a history lesson all in one.
- Chainmail under those jerseys could really bring down the injury rates, or at least take cosplay to a whole new level.
- Chainmail under those jerseys could really bring down the injury rates, or at least take cosplay to a whole new level.
- Bruise Cruise: Who needs a lovely Caribbean vacation when you can take a bruising cruise around an icy rink with a chance of a head-on collision with a wall?
- Forget shuffleboard and midnight buffets; hockey provides the all-inclusive experience with complimentary ice packs post-game.
- Forget shuffleboard and midnight buffets; hockey provides the all-inclusive experience with complimentary ice packs post-game.
- It’s Just a Flesh Wound: Monty Python’s Black Knight could’ve been a hockey coach with that attitude. “Lost an arm? ‘Tis but a scratch! Now get back out there!”
- The unwavering spirit of a hockey player means you could probably lose a limb and still be asked if you can handle the next shift.
- The unwavering spirit of a hockey player means you could probably lose a limb and still be asked if you can handle the next shift.
The Hot Take
In a bone-jarringly clear demonstration of both human fragility and the sheer audacity to defy it on a daily basis, one has to stop and think—should we be doing anything differently? In my perfectly non-hyperbolic, liberal perspective, I’d say we take a hard look at ensuring that players are not just prepared for these hits, but also cushioned against the brunt of it by every means necessary.
Maybe the physics-defying protection isn’t in armoring our players like knights, but rather in installing smarter tech in those boards. How about padding that absorbs impact without bouncing players off like a squash ball? Or maybe we could teach players to use their words, not their bodies, to express discontent. A strongly worded letter to the opposing team instead of a full-bodied slam into the boards could be just as effective, right?
And so, my fellow lovers of all things iced and aggressive, let’s not wait until someone reenacts the “I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up” commercial before acting. Let’s armor up our hockey heroes in something potentially less medieval, and rethink our rink strategies. After all, the only boards we should be hitting are the leaderboards.
Source: Nick Jensen is conscious, alert after scary hit into boards, Capitals say
