Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
Apparently, we’ve hit a point in our society where the punchline is our own bodily autonomy. In these modern times, riddled with satirical headlines that read too much like reality, we find ourselves dissecting the surge of sterilization procedures among our sprightly youths. You see, following the “Dobbs” decision, where the highest court in the land seemed to have misplaced the chapter on personal freedoms, sterilization has become less of a medical procedure and more of a desperate grasp at agency. As if our future wasn’t already looking as barren as the dystopian wasteland we binge on Netflix, we’re now pre-emptively yanking away our ability to contribute to the population stats. Hilarious, isn’t it?
The Breakdown:
- Sterilization Statistics Soar (Say That Five Times Fast)
- This isn’t just a fad like fidget spinners or eating Tide pods. The numbers are rolling in, and they’re looking like a hot new entry on the Billboard charts. The youths, in an effort to have the last laugh, are lining up for sterilization like it’s Black Friday and fertility is on sale. Except, of course, the deal is to not get the doorbuster prize of procreation.
- This isn’t just a fad like fidget spinners or eating Tide pods. The numbers are rolling in, and they’re looking like a hot new entry on the Billboard charts. The youths, in an effort to have the last laugh, are lining up for sterilization like it’s Black Friday and fertility is on sale. Except, of course, the deal is to not get the doorbuster prize of procreation.
- Birth Control Bingo Just Isn’t Cutting It
- Condoms? Pills? IUDs? Amateurs. If you thought pulling out was a risky method of contraception, try pulling your faith from the SCOTUS jar of mixed nuts. The young folks are trading in their Bingo cards for something with a bit more permanence because, apparently, Russian roulette with reproductive rights is the game no one wanted to play.
- Condoms? Pills? IUDs? Amateurs. If you thought pulling out was a risky method of contraception, try pulling your faith from the SCOTUS jar of mixed nuts. The young folks are trading in their Bingo cards for something with a bit more permanence because, apparently, Russian roulette with reproductive rights is the game no one wanted to play.
- Say Goodbye to Spontaneous Parenting Decisions
- Remember the good old days when you could just, I don’t know, decide to have a child when you felt ready? Prepare to regale your hypothetical grandchildren with those fairytales because no one’s leaving their fertility to the roll of the dice anymore. It’s all pre-planned sterility from here, kids.
- Remember the good old days when you could just, I don’t know, decide to have a child when you felt ready? Prepare to regale your hypothetical grandchildren with those fairytales because no one’s leaving their fertility to the roll of the dice anymore. It’s all pre-planned sterility from here, kids.
- The ‘Trust Issue’ Between Public and Powers That Be
- Call it a trust fall gone wrong, except nobody was there to catch anybody, and the ground is made of spikes called “politics.” If the relationship between the populace and politicos were on Facebook, their status would read, “It’s complicated, and we’re seeing other people (like medical professionals).”
- Call it a trust fall gone wrong, except nobody was there to catch anybody, and the ground is made of spikes called “politics.” If the relationship between the populace and politicos were on Facebook, their status would read, “It’s complicated, and we’re seeing other people (like medical professionals).”
- Irony as the Most Effective Form of Birth Control
- It’s ironic, isn’t it? In a twist of fate that even Alanis Morissette couldn’t predict, autonomy has become the hottest contraceptive on the market. Who knew that a dash of uncertainty about our rights would be the most effective way to keep the stork at bay?
- It’s ironic, isn’t it? In a twist of fate that even Alanis Morissette couldn’t predict, autonomy has become the hottest contraceptive on the market. Who knew that a dash of uncertainty about our rights would be the most effective way to keep the stork at bay?
The Counter:
- Can’t Wait for the ‘Sterilization Regret’ Think Pieces
- Brace yourself for the tsunami of Op-Eds lamenting the rash decisions of those who took permanent measures. They’ll speak of regret like it’s the only appetizer on the menu, failing to realize that regret is a dish served cold, and hindsight is the microwave.
- Brace yourself for the tsunami of Op-Eds lamenting the rash decisions of those who took permanent measures. They’ll speak of regret like it’s the only appetizer on the menu, failing to realize that regret is a dish served cold, and hindsight is the microwave.
- Population Plummet is the New Climate Change Solution
- Who needs electric cars and recycling when you can just stop having kids? Honestly, who knew that shredding our rights was the eco-friendly choice all along? Reduce, reuse, and for the love of Pete, don’t reproduce!
- Who needs electric cars and recycling when you can just stop having kids? Honestly, who knew that shredding our rights was the eco-friendly choice all along? Reduce, reuse, and for the love of Pete, don’t reproduce!
- The Economy Will Adapt (or So the ‘Experts’ Say)
- Fewer babies mean fewer consumers and workers in the future, but who’s counting? The wizards of Wall Street say the economy will adapt. Maybe we’ll fill the gap with robots or, better yet, hologram assistants. Siri, take the wheel.
- Fewer babies mean fewer consumers and workers in the future, but who’s counting? The wizards of Wall Street say the economy will adapt. Maybe we’ll fill the gap with robots or, better yet, hologram assistants. Siri, take the wheel.
- Healthcare Tourism, The New Vacation Package
- Forget about Cancun; the hot new travel destination is anywhere-but-here, offering exclusive sterilization holiday packages because local healthcare options sound about as appealing as a root canal performed by a clown.
- Forget about Cancun; the hot new travel destination is anywhere-but-here, offering exclusive sterilization holiday packages because local healthcare options sound about as appealing as a root canal performed by a clown.
- Who Needs Offspring When You Have Legacy Projects?
- Having kids is so passé; it’s all about your legacy projects now. Can’t wait to attend the gallery opening of my Instagram feed, preserved for all eternity because there are no children to fight over the family photo albums.
- Having kids is so passé; it’s all about your legacy projects now. Can’t wait to attend the gallery opening of my Instagram feed, preserved for all eternity because there are no children to fight over the family photo albums.
The Hot Take:
To fix this little conundrum, how about we make a U-turn at the junction of “Ridiculous” and “Are You Kidding Me?” and head back towards Sense and Sensibility. It starts with laughing in the face of those who can’t hear the word “choice” without breaking out in hives.
Then, we rally up the youth—not to teach them fertility chants, but to remind them that the power lies in their voices (and votes). Engagement in local elections, robust education campaigns; sprinkle some support for organizations fighting the good fight, and voila, you’ve got a recipe for change that tastes a whole lot better than sterilization as a knee-jerk reaction.
Sure, it’s not as simplistic as snapping our fingers to the beat of legislative reform, but it sure beats the current sitcom we’re living in. So, let’s keep the humor, because we’re going to need it, but let’s also push for autonomy over our punchlines and our bodies.
Source: Sterilization Procedures Have Surged Among Young People Following “Dobbs”
