Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Source: Pastor accused of $3M crypto scam says he may have ‘misheard God’
The Details
Hey, folks! Buckle up because I’ve got a tale that’s bound to make your financial advisor weep and your Sunday school teacher toss their Bible out the window. We’ve got a pastor, affectionately known as Colorado’s own crypto-curater of calamity, who apparently had a bit of a divine miscommunication – to the tune of $3 million. Holy heck!
Now, this pastor, in what must have been a spiritual cold call, claims he “misheard” the big guy upstairs regarding a cryptocurrency hustle. That’s right: while most of us are out here trying to interpret whether God’s telling us to cut back on carbs or finally start that jazzercise class, our man on the pulpit is deciphering stock tips from the Sermon on the Mount.
The Breakdown
- The Holy Smokes Investment Plan: This pastor didn’t just pass around the collection plate; he went full wolf of Wall Street biblical style, promising heavenly returns. And lo, the congregation did invest because who can say no when God apparently moonlights as a financial advisor?
- Divine Details: He convinced the flock to throw in $3 million. Now, I know tithing is important, but this is next-level. Did they expect the second coming or just early retirement? Either way, they ended up with a holy hole in their pockets.
- Divine Details: He convinced the flock to throw in $3 million. Now, I know tithing is important, but this is next-level. Did they expect the second coming or just early retirement? Either way, they ended up with a holy hole in their pockets.
- The Gospel of Cryptocurrency: Apparently, he spread the word of the Lord… and by the Lord, I mean Bitcoin’s more volatile cousins. Thou shalt buy low, sell high, and spread the digital gospel.
- Scriptural Speculation: His sermons must’ve been like reading from the Book of Blockchains. And the disciples said, “Amen, pass me that ledger!”
- Scriptural Speculation: His sermons must’ve been like reading from the Book of Blockchains. And the disciples said, “Amen, pass me that ledger!”
- A Sermon on the Mount of Debt: If Jesus fed the 5,000, our pastor friend tried to one-up him with feeding his bank account, seemingly mistaking the loaves and fishes for bitcoins and cash.
- Psalms and Pyramid Schemes: Let’s not forget the multi-level marketing vibes. Recruit thy neighbor, and through him, five more neighbors.
- Psalms and Pyramid Schemes: Let’s not forget the multi-level marketing vibes. Recruit thy neighbor, and through him, five more neighbors.
- The Altar Call for Altcoins: This preacher’s call to the altar was more like a call to the exchange market. Can I get an Ethereum? Hallelujah!
- Blessed be the Blockchain: Salvation was promised, but I guess no one clarified whether you’d find it in the afterlife or after the bubble burst.
- Blessed be the Blockchain: Salvation was promised, but I guess no one clarified whether you’d find it in the afterlife or after the bubble burst.
- Forgive Us Our Debts: Suddenly, the Lord’s Prayer has a new meaning. Forgive us our bad investments as we forgive those who scam us? The miracle here is that he kept a straight face while pitching celestial insider trading.
- Manna from Heaven or Mania from Hype?: Was it a case of mishearing God or just mishearing “good investment strategy”?
The Counter
- Devout Day Trading: Sure, turning water into wine is so first century. The modern miracle is turning your savings into cryptocurrencies with a prayer and a dream.
- Thou Shalt Not Doubt the Bull Market: It’s a test of faith, really. The righteous shall walk through the valley of the shadow of debt unafraid.
- Thou Shalt Not Doubt the Bull Market: It’s a test of faith, really. The righteous shall walk through the valley of the shadow of debt unafraid.
- Ten Commandments of Crypto: Thou shalt have no other coins before me, beware of false idols and pump-and-dump prophets.
- Profit or Prophet?: Finding religion in the blockchain might just be the 21st-century revival tent we needed.
- Profit or Prophet?: Finding religion in the blockchain might just be the 21st-century revival tent we needed.
- The Digital Disciples: Let’s give it up for the cyber-savvy saints who followed their shepherd into the pasture of pixelated promises.
- Blessed are the Geeks: For they shall inherit the earth… or at least a decent hash rate.
- Blessed are the Geeks: For they shall inherit the earth… or at least a decent hash rate.
- The Prosperity Gospel 2.0: It’s like the old prosperity gospel, but with more silicon and less salvation.
- The Second Collection: Can you get direct deposit from heaven? Asking for a pastor friend.
- The Second Collection: Can you get direct deposit from heaven? Asking for a pastor friend.
- A Biblical Bug in the System: Maybe it was just a coding error in translating the King James version to blockchain. A mistranslation from “be fruitful and multiply” to “be cryptic and magnify”?
- A Serpent in the Server Room: The apple didn’t fall far from the binary tree, and now we’re all living east of Ethereum.
The Hot Take
Let’s face it, we’ve all misheard things. I thought my toaster told me the meaning of life once, and it turned out it just needed cleaning. But “mishearing God” on investment advice is either the best excuse or the worst sermon illustration ever.
So, what’s the liberal fix to these commandment-crushing capers? Regulation is the savior we need, the 11th commandment: “Thou shalt not fake divine investment tips.” Transparency in the pulpit and the portfolio. Heaven help us if we don’t sort this mess out; otherwise, the pearly gates might just be an NFT, and you’ll need Bitcoin to unlock ’em.
