Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In an exquisite display of paranoia choreographed with the finesse of a reality TV show, the one and only Donald Trump is back at it again with his latest performance that has critics raving—or should we say, raging?
The man who gave us the catchphrase “You’re fired!” now claims that the very jury selected to deliberate his fate in a fraud trial is as rigged as a carnival game. This all stems from a masterful report from our nation’s most dedicated muckrakers at PoliticusUSA, lifting the veil on Trump’s pre-emptive whining about jury fairness.
The Breakdown:
- Jury Selection, or Audition for “Survivor: Courtroom Edition”?
Trump’s now playing casting director, trying to spot the potential Benedict Arnolds in the jury pool. He probably wishes he could swap them out for the starstruck audience of ‘The Apprentice’. - Presidential Pouting: It’s Not Fair If I Lose
Once a champion of the “It’s gonna be fantastic” school of thought, Trump has shifted gears to the less inspiring “It’s rigged if I don’t win” philosophy. Apparently, his definition of a fair trial is one where he gets to be the judge, jury, and executioner. - The Fear of an Impartial Jury: Democracy’s Kryptonite
Imagine the horror of being judged by a group that doesn’t host MAGA hats and doesn’t take ‘alternative facts’ at face value. It’s like expecting Count Dracula to oversee a blood bank. - Conspiracy Theories, Now in Legal Size
From election fraud to jury tampering, is there a conspiracy theory Trump won’t court? His imagination is apparently the only thing that’s not bankrupt. - Echo Chamber Echolocation
The ability to navigate a complex legal system is tough, especially when you’re accustomed to the resonant comforts of an echo chamber. Trump is clearly used to the sound of his own voice—maybe it should be used to swear in the jury.
The Counter:
- Fair and Unbalanced, Like Fox News on a Tilt-A-Whirl
Trump claims to desire fairness – but only if it leans his way. If it doesn’t, it’s basically the mainstream media all over again. - The Best Defense is a Good Offense – Especially When You Might Be Offensive
Why wait for the verdict when you can start your defense on Twitter? For Trump, a good tweet is as solid as an alibi, as long as your legal strategy is written in 280 characters or less. - How to Succeed in Politics Without Really Trying (Except by Cheating)
Who needs to tamper with evidence when you’ve already attempted to tamper with democracy? If anything, Trump’s consistent. - The Art of the Steal: Juror Edition
The jury’s still out—literally—but Trump’s already crying theft. It’s like he wrote “The Art of the Deal” only to prepare for “The Art of the Steal.” - The Witch Hunt Continues, But Which Witch is Which?
Trump’s favorite pastime seems to be witch-hunting. Only this time, it looks like the broom might be on the other foot.
The Hot Take:
But enough about me—let’s talk about what really matters: fixing this so-called rigged system. If you thought the Mueller Report was a page-turner, just wait until we get to the chapter on jury vetting reform, “The Joy of Vetting.” Who needs reality TV when you can have reality CVs? Jurors will come with Yelp reviews and Trustpilot ratings. “I gave this juror 5 stars for impartiality but only 3 for dramatic gasps.”
And if we’re dealing with claims of conspiracy, let’s add a sprinkle of transparency. Maybe reality television isn’t the worst template for the legal process. Who wouldn’t watch “Keeping Up with the Courtroom” if it meant seeing justice served in high definition, with public voting à la “American Idol”? After all, isn’t it about what the people want?
So, while Trump gets ready for his next season of “Celebrity Lawyer,” let’s remember that the only thing that should be rigged in America is the sail to the winds of change. And may those winds blow us to a place where “jury rigged” means nothing more than a well-knotted tie.
Source: Trump Knows He Is Going To Be Convicted So He Is Already Claiming The Jury Is Rigged
