And For Her Next Trick, Governor Noem Will Turn ‘Choice’ Into ‘Chore’—The Great Political Illusion

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

In a world where headlines can often be mistaken for dark comedy punchlines, we find ourselves grappling with the utterance that seems to be ripped straight from an unaired ‘Saturday Night Live’ sketch. South Dakota’s Governor Kristi Noem has declared, with the gravity that one might reserve for a eulogy, that not forcing rape victims to give birth is a ‘tragedy’. Well, folks, it’s time to buckle up because this is one of those instances where if we don’t laugh about it, we might just crumble under the weight of absurdity.

The Breakdown:

• Perceive a Tragedy — Where It Doesn’t Exist
  • As a master of the comedic arts, I’m always looking for that unexpected twist, that subversion of expectation. And Governor Noem delivers. She’s peering into the abyss of forced childbirth for rape victims and calling it a tragic missed opportunity. This is the kind of twist that gets you booed off stage unless, of course, you’re in certain political circles.
    
    
• Redefinition of Freedom — But Not the Good Kind
  • Noem appears to be a linguistic wizard, capable of bending the word ‘freedom’ until it means the exact opposite. In her magical world, being compelled by the government to carry a pregnancy resulting from rape is the new freedom. Merriam-Webster is currently weeping in a corner, completely confounded.
    
    
• Conflate Issues — Stir Until Murky
  • Like any good recipe for disaster, you take one part genuine tragedy, mix it with a wildly unrelated issue, and voilà! You’ve got yourself a political goulash that leaves a bad taste in everyone’s mouth. Except, some are asking for seconds, eager to confuse and conflate the suffering of others for their agenda.
    
    
• Invoke the Children — Not as Witnesses, Thankfully
  • Noem doesn’t miss the chance to bring the kids into this, the innocent cherubs who are either waiting to be born or to star in emotionally manipulative political campaigns. She’s practically printing flyers with babies in Uncle Sam hats to bolster her case.
    
    
• Ignore the Women — They’re Probably Just Overreacting
  • The grand finale! In this stunning act of reflection, Noem manages to discuss the whole issue without really focusing on the women involved. It’s like a horror movie where the camera keeps panning away just as the monster appears; except the monster here is empathy, and it’s scaring the living daylights out of some politicians.
    

The Counter:

• The Real Tragedy Is Lack of Comedy Clubs in Government
  • If government buildings had comedy clubs, someone could’ve given Noem the hook before this idea even saw the light. Maybe laughter truly is the best medicine or, at least, the best form of contraception against bad policies.
    
    
• Redefining ‘Freedom’ to Mean ‘Freedom to Laugh at This Nonsense’
  • Freedom is such a versatile word, isn’t it? Here, I thought it was about liberties and rights, but apparently, it’s about the freedom to impose beliefs through legislation. Let’s give citizens the freedom to laugh in the face of such folly.
    
    
• Clear Broth Policy Soup — Hold the Goulash
  • Policies should be more like a clear broth, straightforward and transparent, not a thick goulash of convoluted ingredients. When it comes to rights and choices, clarity is the key, not a murky mix of misdirection and politicking.
    
    
• Babies in Top Hats — Coming to a Campaign Near You
  • I’d like to think I’ve pitched some wild bits in my time, but babies in top hats claiming their right to be born from a tragedy takes the infant-sized cake. It’s absurdity so pure you almost have to respect it. I said almost.
    
    
• If You Can’t See the Women, They Can’t See Your Bad Policies, Right?
  • Here’s a thought: Maybe if we focus on the women impacted by these decisions, we’d craft policies that actually support and respect their choices. Oh, wait—that might make too much sense, and sense is an endangered species in this debate.
    

The Hot Take:

In the simmering cauldron of political comedy, it’s rare to come across a brew so potent that it leaves even the most seasoned jokesters at a loss for words. Yet here we stand, hats in hand, and with furrowed brows trying to discern if we’ve accidentally walked into an alternate universe where common sense is as common as a unicorn at a dog park.

The liberal perspective won’t just wag fingers and roll eyes; it’ll advocate fiercely for the gosh darn novel idea that women are capable of making, wait for it—their own choices! Imagine a world where women’s autonomy isn’t the opening act for a tragic comedy routine, but the main event, where policies support and protect, rather than dictate and demean.

Fixing this issue isn’t about crafting the ultimate punchline, it’s about rewriting the script. It’s about taking those tragic notions of stripping away freedom and flipping the script to a narrative where personal liberties are upheld and supported. It’s comedy gold, really: respecting women’s rights—what a hilarious concept! The laugh track writes itself.

So, with a cheek full of tongue and a heart full of hope, let’s raise the curtain on a more enlightened act—a liberal approach that’s respectful, understanding, and, dare I say, actually funny for the right reasons.

Source: It’s a ‘tragedy’ not to force rape victims to give birth: Kristi Noem