Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Source: London’s Highgate Cemetery Is Nearly Full. Can It Reuse Old Graves?
The Details
Well, folks, in a plot twist that even M. Night Shyamalan couldn’t see coming, London’s crème de la crème of eternal zip code locations, Highgate Cemetery, is getting overcrowded. This isn’t your average Joe’s backyard graveyard; we’re talking about the eternal resting place of the bigwigs, like Karl Marx. Despite having a vibrant population of the dead, those managing this illustrious venue of post-mortem residency are scratching their heads because, shocker, people keep dying! And in a classic display of human foresight, or lack thereof, it turns out there’s somehow not enough room to keep tossing bodies into the ground.
The Breakdown
- First-Come, First-Served… Even in Death
- Apparently, land is a hot commodity even when you’re six feet under. Highgate’s been selling afterlife real estate since 1839, and would you believe it? They’re nearly “sold out.” It’s like Black Friday, but the deals last forever.
- Cemetery Trespassers? More Like Permanent Residents
- At Highgate, the walls aren’t just for keeping out thrill-seekers looking for a ghostly encounter. No, they’re also the velvet ropes to the VIP section of eternity. And just like any exclusive club, once it’s at capacity, good luck getting in.
- The Celebs of the Underworld
- If there’s one thing we love, it’s celebrity – alive or dead. It’s all about location, location, location, and nothing says you’ve made it like a tombstone that could double as a tourist attraction. Karl Marx’s beard is practically an exhibit.
- It’s Getting Crowded, Let’s ‘Recycle’ Graves
- What’s the solution to grave overcrowding? Digging up old ones, of course! Out with the old, in with the new, they say, reusing graves like it’s the latest eco-friendly trend.
- Death is a Growth Industry
The Counter
- Picky in Life, Picky in Death
- Maybe we’re being too selective with our graveyard clientele. Open the gates! Make room by relocating ol’ Uncle Bob to make space for more prominent figures. What’s a few bones between friends?
- Double Decker Coffins
- London buses are double-decker, so why not graves? Stack ’em high, I say! It’s an innovative approach to solving spatial issues with that cheeky British flair.
- Haunt Airbnb
- Highgate Cemetery could pivot to a haunt-themed Airbnb-style service for the dead. You get to stay for, let’s say, a century, then you’re out. Keep it fresh with rotating spirits.
- Soul Reallocation
- Why not introduce a soul reallocation programme? Those who’ve been lounging underground for two centuries come back and put in a shift. Keeps the afterlife economy thriving!
- Eternal Check-Out
- Implement a checkout time in the afterlife. Sure, you can rest, but let’s not overdo it. A few decades, a century tops and then kindly make room for the next in line.
The Hot Take
So, Highgate’s packed tighter than a tube train at rush hour, and we have to address it. My hot take? It’s time to go full millennial innovation on this antiquated death hoard. Let’s disrupt the death industry! Hear me out: renewable grave leases!
But wait, there’s more. Let’s monetize those crypts with some hologram tech. Imagine: selfie with holographic Karl Marx—now that’s a revenue model to die for. And for the eco-conscious, I propose a ‘green’ burial, you know, literally becoming a tree. Hey, it’s better than being turned into a bench.
So, slap on a fresh coat of sarcasm, green the heck out of our great beyond, and welcome to the future of death: where it’s not just about resting in peace, it’s about doing it with style and environmental mindfulness. Highgate’s not full; it’s just prepping for its relaunch as the next big thing in boutique post-life accommodation.
