Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Source: Take That, MAGA: CBO Reports Immigrants Boost GDP By Billions
The Details
So, the Congressional Budget Office decided to throw a party, and guess who showed up? Immigrants. And boy, did they bring the GDP goodies. We’re talking billions, with a ‘B’—a figure so large that even Scrooge McDuck would need a second vault. According to an arcane document, as gripping as a phone book, immigrants are the unspoken heroes catapulting the US economy to dazzling heights. And how do we repay them? Well, not with a fruit basket, that’s for sure.
The Breakdown
- First up: “Immigrants are stealing our jobs!”
Now here’s a classic! But as it turns out, rather than stealing, they’re giving us a boost up the economic ladder. Sort of like that cousin who takes the blame for the vase you broke so you could get your allowance. Only in this case, the vase is the economy, and the allowance is a GDP swell that makes the ’80s jealous. - Second on the list: “They don’t pay taxes!”
Oh, the irony! Immigrants are somehow living in this tax-free utopia, like fiscal ninjas, yet are also responsible for a significant chunk of the revenue. It’s akin to accusing your invisible friend of not chipping in for pizza—they can’t be seen, but they’ve got the biggest slice. - Number Three: “But they use all our services!”
Sure, Jan. Because the CBO clearly shows they’re practically hand-delivering a golden goose to the Treasury. Maybe they use the roads a bit—roads paved with the gold they helped farm from the economy. - Coming in at Four: “Immigrants devalue our culture!”
You’re right, because nothing says American culture like closing the door on the very principle of the nation’s foundation. The ‘give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses’ must’ve been in the small print we missed, right after ‘except on Sundays and all public holidays.’ - Rounding out the Five: “They’re just not good for the country!”
With billions enriching the GDP and diversifying the economy more than your mama’s Sunday buffet, it’s clear they’re about as beneficial as duct tape in a crisis. And let’s face it, if our economic structure were a boat, we’d all be reaching for the duct tape by now.
The Counter
- First Eye-Roller: “The GDP isn’t everything.”
You’re right. There’s also the GNH—Gross National Happiness—which immigrants seem to be contributing to by just being the diligent human beings they are. But let’s focus on the GDP because, like a high-school popularity contest, it’s the number we care about at the end of the day. - Second Groan-Inducer: “The report must be biased.”
Absolutely. The CBO is notorious for its stand-up comedy routines and satirical sketches. Just last week, they did a brilliant skit on ‘The Life of an Unemployed Dollar Bill.’ Standing ovation. - Third Face-Palm: “Immigrants aren’t assimilating.”
Sure, because America’s known for its monolithic culture where everyone eats the same cheeseburger. Assimilation is overrated; I’ll take the buffet of diverse food, music, and ideas over the cheeseburger monoculture any day. - Fourth Sigh-Trigger: “They’re crowding the cities.”
God forbid if your morning commute includes seeing new faces. It’s almost like a growing economy needs more people or something—wild concept! - Fifth and Final Chuckle: “What about American workers?”
No one’s saying forget about Joe and Jane from down the block. It’s not a ‘them or us’ scenario; we’re all in this American cauldron together—let’s just make sure it’s a melting pot and not a pressure cooker.
The Hot Take
In closing, if you want to fix the so-called ‘immigrant problem,’ start by throwing a proper welcome bash with a GDP-shaped piñata. When it’s clear that these folks are the ones remembering America’s birthday while some of us forgot to even get a card, maybe it’s time to change the tune. Let’s collectively roll out the red carpet, get out the good china, and give the newcomers a seat at the table—because they’ve already brought the main course. Bon appétit!
