Estimated reading time: 3 minutes

The Details

In a twist that’s as predictable as a tax audit after you’ve claimed your pet goldfish as a dependent, the armorer from the ‘Rust’ movie set has been found guiltier than a kid with chocolate smeared all over his face standing next to an empty cookie jar. This comes after actor Alec Baldwin’s rehearsal for a “quick draw” scene turned into a tragic real-life game of Russian roulette without anyone realizing the gun was loaded. The armorer, who clearly must have learned about firearm safety from watching Yosemite Sam cartoons, provided the gun that killed cinematographer Halyna Hutchins.

The Breakdown

1. Safety Protocols & Rubber Ducks:
   • Apparently, the safety protocols on set were about as sturdy as a house of cards in a tornado. Rumor has it they could have achieved better security by asking a rubber duck to guard the weapons.
2. The Good Old Days of Russian Roulette:
   • It seems like the armorer thought they were playing an intense game of Russian Roulette. Except in this twisted version, everybody was unaware there were actual bullets in the prop gun. A surprise no one signed up for.
3. Pass The Buck, Then Duck:
   • In the grand tradition of accountability, everyone’s playing a high-stakes game of hot potato with the blame – except the potato is a live grenade and nobody wants to be holding it when the music stops.
4. Quality Control by Stevie Wonder:
   • The level of scrutiny given to the firearms apparently had all the meticulousness of a cursory glance by good ol’ Stevie Wonder. If only the armorer had employed his legendary musical talent instead of his approach to visual inspection.
5. Hollywood’s Best Kept Secret – Live Rounds:
   • Newsflash: loaded guns can be lethal! Shocking revelation to all (especially to the armorer, it seems.) Maybe the next great Hollywood secret will be that water is wet and fire hurts.

The Counter

1. Who Needs Training Anyway?
   • Extensive firearm training for armorers? Pfft…next thing you’ll say is that doctors need medical degrees.
2. The Magical Self-Locking Gun Cabinet:
   • Let’s not bother with using lock and key; we should just wish really hard that the guns will stay put and behave themselves.
3. The Invisible Safety Manual:
   • Safety manuals are like the terms and conditions anyway. Who reads them? Just click agree and let’s start shooting! Literally.
4. Cost-Cutting Like a Boss:
   • Who’s got the cash for all this ‘safety’ hoopla? It’s not like we’re making a multi-million dollar movie. Let’s save some bucks – what’s the worst that can happen?
5. Shiny Object Syndrome:
   • Forget about the boring gun safety stuff. Look over there – shiny new camera angles! Priorities, people.

The Hot Take

Wrap your heads around this, folks. The solution here is as plain as the annoyance on a vegan’s face at a barbecue. Let’s start treating guns like, oh I don’t know, guns maybe? One would think that’d be entry-level common sense, but hey, what do I know? I’m just a liberal comedian with an affinity for the outrageous.

Here’s an idea: before handing someone a weapon on set, let’s make sure it wouldn’t be better suited for an active warzone. Or, wild concept – maybe actual checks to make sure the gun that’s not supposed to shoot real bullets doesn’t have real bullets? If we can have people whose only job it is to make coffee on set, we can have someone whose whole gig is to make sure guns are safer than a padded room. We might have something resembling logic. Go figure.

Source: ‘Rust’ armorer found guilty of manslaughter in fatal Alec Baldwin set shooting: report