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In a move that’s about as surprising as a misprint in a fortune cookie, our friends in the GOP have hatched a brilliant scheme that gives new weight to the term “golden years.” Their fresh-off-the-oven budget proposal includes a special gift for everyone dreaming of retirement—working until you’re pretty much historical. Currently tucked into their fiscal origami is a slick proposition to hike up the retirement age for Social Security. Because, let’s face it, who doesn’t want to mix their Metamucil with their morning coffee break at work?
The Breakdown
- Social Stagnancy Security
Not only does the idea of retiring before your body starts its own composting project seem like a pipe dream now, but the GOP evidently wants you to croak right at your cubicle—talk about workplace loyalty. - Medicare or Medi-don’t-care
The plan casually suggests that the sweet, sweet Medicare eligibility age should take a leisurely stroll upwards. Because nothing says “healthy society” like seniors doing parkour over healthcare hurdles. - The 401(k) Marathon
Hope you’ve been exercising, because the new retirement plan assumes your 401(k) has the life expectancy of a Galápagos tortoise. It’s a long race, but don’t worry, you’ll only need to work until your joints are sponsored by WD-40. - Inflation Infatuation
With the finesse of a bull in a China shop—assuming the shop is the economy and the bull is inflation—this proposal expects you to navigate a tightrope of financial stability, blindfolded, in a hurricane. - Youthful Yoda Years
If working past your prime sounds exhilarating, get ready for the GOP’s definition of “youth” to include your Gandalf phase—just with less wizardry and more spreadsheet sorcery.
The Counter
- Marathon to the Morgue
Who wouldn’t sprint towards the pearly gates with the excitement of knowing you never have to clock out? Death by PowerPoint ensures you go out with a bullet… point. - Medicare Mirage
Supplement your exercise regimen with the chase of a mirage named Medicare, ever so close yet eternally out of reach—until you’re practically a hologram yourself. - Pension-less Pontification
The new philosophy: Pensions are so last century; the new trend is pontification without compensation. Keep preaching the work gospel! - Defying the Digits
Pro tip from the budget whiz kids: Ignore those pesky inflation numbers—just visualize your bank account in binary. It’s always going to look like more! - Sarcophagus and Savings
Who said you can’t save for retirement in your sarcophagus? With this savings plan, you’ll be the richest mummy in the crypt!
The Hot Take
It’s high time we embrace our inner sarcastic solutionist. Forget amping up the retirement age—let’s just make retirement as mythical as a bipartisan lunch date. Here’s a totally reasonable, not-at-all facetious fix: mandatory employment begins at birth, which solves child care issues, and retirement kicks in at the ripe old age of immortality. Then maybe, just maybe, we could coin a new amendment, “The right to leisure, shall not be infringed upon by the need to die at the desk.” It’s kind of catchy, don’t you think?
But if we must put on our serious spectacles, we could always invest in education, infrastructure, and technology to bolster the economy, ensure that Social Security funds are sacred and not a congressional piggy bank, and work towards health care reforms that won’t force retirees to take up a side hustle as octogenarian stunt doubles. Just a modest proposal to keep those golden years actually golden, instead of fool’s gold.
Source: House Republican budget calls for raising the retirement age for Social Security
