Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In the most unsurprising twist since the invention of the twist-off cap, a valet to former president Donald Trump spilled the beans that telling his then-Vice President Mike Pence to certify the election results would be equivalent to committing political suicide. Yes, folks, in a world where up is down and down is a career-ending move, we’re shocked—shocked, I tell you—that a president put more weight on self-interest over, say, the actual interest of the nation. Apparently, political careers are more fragile than a snowflake on Twitter.
The Breakdown
- Let’s Play Political Chicken!
In a stunning game of who blinks first, Trump essentially dared Pence to certify the election. “Go ahead, make my day,” he might as well have said. This is reminiscent of a middle school dare, except the fate of democracy was apparently hanging by a thread, not just the pride of wearing underwear on the outside. - Certify this, not that!
Certifying elections is like the hokey pokey: You put your left foot in, you take your right foot out, you put your credibility in, and you shake it all about. Trump had a selective approach to certification—like choosing only your winning lottery numbers after the draw. Classy! - Handcuffs or Handshakes?
If you’ve ever wondered what kind of steel you need to bind the hands of justice, look no further than the cuffs made of threats and political repercussions. It seems that in Trump’s America, handshakes are out, and handcuffs are in—preferably in a nice shade of sabotaging your running mate. - Career Killers and Cliffhangers
If there were an IMDb for political careers, being told your certifying vote is a “career killer” would be a spoiler no one needed. It’s like the final episode of your favorite show ending with everyone losing their jobs. Binge-worthy? Probably not. - Who Needs the Oscars When You Have the Elections?
Forget the red carpet; the real drama is in the Capitol. And the award for the Best Actor in a Democratic Crisis goes to… well, it’s a crowded field, isn’t it? Let’s just say the statues would be in the shape of a tiny bus, perfect for throwing someone under.
The Counter
- Hey, at Least It’s Not Dueling!
Who knew that Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr were just trailblazers for political dispute resolution? Dueling might be illegal now, but hey, public ego-battles and career threats? Totally fine. - Machiavelli, Schmachiavelli!
If Niccolò could see us now, he’d probably take notes. These modern politicians could give his ‘The Prince’ a new chapter or two, notably on the nuanced art of certifying elections. - Surprise! Politics is Dirty.
I know, I know, it’s groundbreaking news. We’re all shocked that politics could involve backstabbing instead of, you know, actual governance. - An Oath of Office, or a Pinky Promise?
As far as the sanctity of the oath goes, it’s right up there with “I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me tweet.” - Retirement Plan: Ruin Democracy
Pensions are nice, but have you ever considered your legacy might simply be the ashes of the constitution? It’s the retirement plan no one’s talking about!
The Hot Take
In conclusion, if democracy were a sitcom, the laugh track would be on overdrive right now. But since we’re dealing in reality, the only sensible solution is for us to be the sane voices amid this cacophony of chaos. Advocating for integrity in our election process, demanding accountability from our leaders, and ensuring that threats and personal interest do not override the will of the people—it’s not just a liberal approach, it’s a logical one. The “career killer” should be corruption, not the sanctity of the vote. So let’s whip out the gavels, warm up those vocal cords, and start treating democracy less like a punchline and more like a line we should never cross.
Source: Trump told Pence certifying election would be ‘political career killer’, valet says
