Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In what can only be a fever dream lived out in broad internet daylight, the MAGA corner of the world has taken to their keyboards with the steadfast determination of a squirrel trying to remember where it buried its nuts. This time, they’re burrowing through the twisted remains of the Francis Scott Key Bridge conspiracy theories. These aren’t your garden variety conjectures; no, these are, as the MSNBC article vividly portrays, the crème de la crazy.
And who else but your favorite cantankerous comedian, could gallivant through this maze of madness with a grin, a guffaw, and a generous dollop of sarcasm heaped on each analysis? Watch your step — here comes “The Breakdown”.
The Breakdown
- Just When You Thought Bridges Couldn’t Vote
It turns out that bridges are not just infrastructure, they’re apparently sentient players in political drama. Who knew? I always thought bridges had one job, and shockingly, it wasn’t registering to vote in swing states. - Collapses Are The New Polls
If you’re tired of traditional polling methods, don’t worry. Some believe that structural integrity is now a measure of political sentiment. The louder it falls, the more it’s telling you who’s winning. Isn’t that a relief? And here I was thinking bridges fell because of, I don’t know, neglected maintenance and physics. - Rust Equals Trust
Ah, rust, nature’s confession booth. According to the theorists, every bit of rust might as well be whispering sweet nothings about cover-ups and secret messages. Next thing we know, oxidation is going to start its own podcast about governmental integrity. - Historical Relevance or Historical Malevolence?
This isn’t just any bridge, folks. It’s the Francis Scott Key Bridge. If your bridge wasn’t named after someone famous, did it really even fall? I bet if it were the Spears Bridge, it would have had a conservatorship to keep it upright. - You Can’t Spell ‘Infrastructure’ Without ‘Incite’
There’s nothing quite like watching crumbling infrastructure become the bedrock of wild claims. The potholes are the eyes and ears of democracy, always listening, always waiting to trip you up on your way to the truth.
The Counter
- Stable Bridges are Overrated Anyway
Who needs ‘em? Bridges that stay up just scream complacency. In the world of metaphors, maybe a collapsing bridge is just life’s way of teaching us to swim, or at least float on the back of alternative facts. - Perfect for a Dive
With structures going down faster than my expectations at a political debate, it’s like nature is handing out invitations to the conspiracy pool. Take a dip, the paranoia’s lovely this time of year. - A Well-Oiled Machine Rusts No Gears
If it ain’t broke, they’ll say it is anyway. The new motto of the discerning conspiracy enthusiast is “Never trust a government that can’t ignore a gaping chasm in its infrastructure.” It’s the smell of conspiracy in the morning. - Who Built That Bridge? A Question for the Ages
Let’s play a game of Clue — it was Colonel Conspiracy in the Drawing Room with the Lead Pipe! Because why accept boring facts when you can accuse, speculate, and insinuate your way to a more colorful truth? - Ignore the Man Behind the Curtain
Maybe the bridge was just shy? Ever think the bridge was fine until we all started paying attention? It’s like stage fright for civil engineering. Or perhaps it was that ominous “wind advisory” that is never, ever a precursor to things actually happening.
The Hot Take
To wrap this up with a blaze of glory akin to the sparks flying from the Key Bridge creaking in the wind, we simply must adhere to liberal ingenuity. I propose a straightforward, two-fold solution to breathe sense into the senseless chatter. Firstly, let’s fund our infrastructure with a reality-based initiative I like to call “The Keep It Standing, Stupid” program.
It’s radical; it involves science and facts! And secondly, might I suggest a good old-fashioned dose of public school education that includes classes like Critical Thinking and Maybe Don’t Believe Every Looney Tune Theory. Crazy, I know, but in the immortal satire of Monty Python – “And now for something completely different.”
Source: The MAGA world’s spiraling bridge conspiracies highlight an incredibly dark reality
