Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In what can only be described as a predictable masquerade of concern, the orange tint of hypocrisy has once again descended upon Grand Rapids. As reported with a straight face, our dear former leader who shall not be named (because honestly, how many times can you say Voldemort in a day?) decided to grace this Michigan city with his presence, post-haste. The reason? A tragedy involving a man living in the U.S. without the correct paperwork has been accused of something most grim, and political opportunism smells blood in the water.
The Breakdown:
- A Masterclass in Timing
Is there a Bat-Signal for when a crime involves an undocumented immigrant, or does he just have really good hearing? One must ponder the uncanny timeliness of his visit, as if calendar alerts are set for just such occasions – or perhaps it’s just a happy coincidence, like finding an extra nugget in your fast-food order. - Murder: Horrible, But Oh-So Convenient
Murder is appalling, unquestionably. However, it reaches a new level of political utility when it fits into a certain narrative. What are the chances that this incident becomes a poster child situation faster than you can say “build a wall”? - Selective Sympathies
It seems we only pack our bags for these guilt trips if there’s a certain… je ne sais quoi… about the perpetrator. We must have misplaced the invitations to the other pity parties, where the culprits conveniently don’t serve the agenda. - Grand Rapids: The Latest Pawn
Why visit swing states when you can visit swing cities within those states? Grand Rapids, you’re not just a place on the map; you’re the chessboard for 4D chess where nobody except the players understand the moves. - Repeat After Me: “Thoughts and Prayers”
Perhaps the most overused phrase in the arsenal; we’re expected to believe it’s genuine every single blood moon, which apparently is more frequent than one would think.
The Counter:
- About That Bat-Signal
Maybe he has a Google alert set up? Search term: “MAGA rally pretext.” It’s not like there’s an app with customizable sound alerts for these exact scenarios… right? - An Alternative to Building Walls
Given the exorbitance of walls, could we not consider, for instance, moats? Preferably moats filled with something culturally relevant—like craft beer or avocado toast. - Law and Order: SVR (Selective Victim Response)
Clearly, the copy of the statute book being used skips certain chapters. Or maybe those pages are stuck together? We should probably crowdfund some legal textbooks with better binding. - Grand Rapids, The New Rosetta Stone
If Grand Rapids could talk, it would tell you the secret to unlocking the affection of the ever-so-puzzling swing voter heart. It’s like an ancient artifact, but less dusty and with better breweries. - Beyond “Thoughts and Prayers”
Can we advance to “Warm Wishes and Deep Reflections”? Just to keep the sanctimonious sentiment fresh, you know? Variety is the spice of indifference.
The Hot Take:
Now gather around, my left-leaning luminaries, for I have concocted a potion so potent, it might just cure our collective migraine. Let’s whip up a blend of education, comprehensive immigration reform, and a dash of empathy, garnished with a refusal to attend the circus when it’s obviously in town to distract us from the real show.
We shall arm ourselves with the awareness that crime is not a subscription service exclusive to the undocumented. Instead of attending the rallies of division, how about visiting the halls of justice and demanding fair policies? Let us close the book on using human suffering as a political stepping stone, lest we trip on the very path we pave.
In the cauldron of progress, let us chant: “Uniting facts, not fears. Inclusivity conquers jeers. Tolerance in the front, ignorance to the rear.”
Source: Trump visiting Grand Rapids after man in U.S. illegally accused of murder
