Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
Following a scandal that feels like it’s been ripped straight out of a dystopian novel, or a slapstick comedy if your sense of humor is dark enough, the US Congress has decided to put on its big boy pants, roll up its sleeves, and serve up a subpoena to Boeing’s CEO, David Calhoun.This move comes after new whistleblower claims made it clear that despite making planes for longer than most of us have been alive, Boeing might still have some “opportunities” in the safety department.
It’s like finding out that your grandma, who’s been knitting for 60 years, is actually making sweaters that fall apart in the wind. It’s comforting to know that the same people responsible for safely shooting us across the sky in a metal tube might have missed the memo on safety. Really, it just gives that window seat with the extra legroom a whole new thrill.
The Breakdown
- “Frequent Flyer Miles to the Witness Stand”: CEO David Calhoun is set to earn his most important miles yet — and no, not those that get you complimentary peanuts and more legroom. These miles will take him straight to Capitol Hill, where he’ll get to enjoy the comfort of a hardwood seat, perfect for sweating on while answering why whistleblowers are having to do his Job in regards to safety.
Specifics: Imagine being so good at your job that you don’t realize there are huge safety issues until someone blows a whistle loud enough that it can’t be ignored. At this point, Boeing might want to consider giving out parachutes as in-flight amenities.
- “The Art of Subtle Skywriting”: Apparently, when it comes to safe aviation practices, Boeing’s strategy involved keeping it as secret as a surprise party. Except the surprise is that the plane you’re on might have been safer if it were made by a group of hyper-intelligent raccoons.
Specifics: Let’s just say that the pilots might have accidentally been left out of the email loop regarding these “safety quirks”. But don’t worry — everything you need to know about emergency landings is surely in the seat-back card instructions… right?
- “The Friendly Skies or The Rolling Craps Table?”: Flying should not resemble a game of chance, unless you’re playing for the window seat. However, this whole debacle has turned that usual serene look on passengers’ faces into ones that scream, “Did I purchase a ticket for a flight or a roulette spin?”
Specifics: Nothing screams passenger comfort like the haunting thought that your plane might have an undiscovered ‘quirk’ that didn’t make it into the manual. Boeing’s new motto: “If it ain’t broke, we simply haven’t found out yet.”
- “In Whistleblowers We Trust, for Everything Else There’s MasterCard”: It turns out whistleblowers are modern day folk heroes, pointing out safety oversights faster than you can say, “Is that duct tape on the wing?”
Specifics: Whoever said “snitches get stitches” clearly never had to land a commercial airplane.
- “Pretzels or Peanuts, but the Real Snack is Accountability”: Congress being all about holding people accountable is kind of like my cat being all about water sports. Yet here we are, and Boeing’s being offered a seat at the table where the snacks are subpoenas and the beverages are served at room temperature.
Specifics: Good ol’ Capitol Hill justice served with a side of “please explain why our planes need more fixing than a 4-year-old’s shoelaces.”
The Counter
- “Captain Calhoun, Hero of the High Skies”: Surely, the CEO of Boeing is gearing up to swoop into Congress like a superhero, equipped with the transparent and truth-deflecting shield of corporate jargon. A note to Congress: Please provide captions for the public.
- “Safety Schmafety, Who Needs It?”: Overrated concerns, like “safety measures” and “maintenance musts”, are things of the past. Boeing is pushing the envelope, letting passengers live life on the edge… quite literally.
- “Last Time I Checked, Whistleblowing Was for Coaches”: But good to know that it’s also for alerting us to potential catastrophic failures in airborne metal tubes hurtling through the sky at 500 mph. Side hustle, anyone?
- “Built Boeing Tough, Like Old Boots or Day-Old Bagels”: When we say “tough”, we mean it can take a storm of legal hearings and congressional inquiries without any real change to business as usual. Rise and shine, it’s deflect-and-avoid o’clock!
- “Congressional Air Miles: Collect Them All for Prizes”: Who knew all Congress needed to do to rack up air miles was to start investigating airlines? They’re probably saving them up for a nice retreat to somewhere with better safety records, like… anywhere else.
The Hot Take
Hey, here’s a thought: How about we fix the problem at its root? More rigorous safety protocols that don’t consider a slap on the wrist and a “we’ll do better next time” as sufficient. Let’s make sure a bonus is more than a reward for executive evasion skills.
We could invest in accountability like it’s a tech start-up — call it “iResponsible”, with a sleek logo and fancy campus. The idea is revolutionary: planes that keep their parts where they’re supposed to be — in the air, not falling off mid-flight. And if all else fails, maybe Congress can legislate a law requiring the CEO to fly coach on their own aircraft. Nothing like riding in your own creation to sharpen the focus on craftmanship.
Source: Congress summons Boeing’s CEO to testify on its jetliner safety following new whistleblower charges
