Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In a world where we value connectivity like we value oxygen, the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) has decided that too much breathing might be bad for us, or at least that’s what their latest move suggests by slashing monthly broadband benefits.
Let’s face it, who needs non-stop access to the information superhighway when you’ve got the novelty of dial-up speeds to reminisce about the good old ’90s? According to The Hill, the FCC is apparently redefining ‘broadband’ to ‘bareband’—it’s the digital equivalent of cutting the crust off the internet, for budgetary fiber.
The Breakdown
- Great News for Carrier Pigeons:
With the cut in broadband benefits, our feathery friends are making a comeback. Post offices will rejoice as people revert to snail mail. Who needs instant access when the anticipation can literally kill you? - The Modern Hermit’s Dream:
Here’s to everyone who thought living off-the-grid was too mainstream. The FCC’s got your back, sorta. Maybe they’re just trying to promote a new mindfulness trend: meditate while your page loads, find Zen in the buffering. - A New Digital Diet:
It seems the FCC has embraced minimalism. Why binge-watch when you can savor that loading icon like a fine wine? After all, patience is a virtue, and broadband benefits were just too indulgent. - A Nostalgic Throwback:
Remember the ‘disconnect to connect’ movement? No? Well, neither does the FCC, but they’re enforcing it anyway. Fireside chats are about to get a whole lot more literal when Netflix is no longer an option. - Budget Shortfalls or Feature Films?
Budget shortfalls sound like the plot of a blockbuster hit, where our hero, the consumer, fights the evil empire of Funding Shortfall. Plot twist: it’s actually just a documentary about our lives now.
The Counter
- Encouraging Outdoor Activities:
The FCC must be in cahoots with Mother Nature, because this measure will surely send droves of internet addicts into the sunlight. Who knew federal funding could double as a public health campaign? - Boosting Local Economy:
With less streaming and online gaming, local businesses will flourish. Welcome back, Blockbuster and internet cafés – we didn’t know how much we missed you until the FCC decided we did. - The Simplification of Life:
Do we really need 25 browser tabs open? The FCC is forcing us to Marie Kondo our digital lives. If your internet speed doesn’t spark joy, well, it’s not meant to be. - Rebirth of the Mixtape:
Can’t stream music anymore? Here’s an idea: let’s bring back the mixtape. The FCC is unintentionally reviving the romantic gesture of physically handing someone a playlist. Aw, how analog and heartfelt! - The Ultimate Focus Tool:
Here’s to increased productivity in the workplace! With slower connections, you can focus on that spreadsheet without the temptation of cat videos. Thanks, FCC, for making our jobs the only thing we can do quickly.
The Hot Take
Alright folks, let’s huddle in for the real kicker. How do we solve the “Oops, we dropped your broadband benefits like a hot potato” fiasco? Simple: we embrace the ultra-progressive (note the sarcasm) notion that access to the internet is a human right, like water or air, or the freedom to roll your eyes at politicians.
First things first, we introduce the new and improved “Internet Access For All Act”—I know, catchy title. It’s a radical idea that suggests maybe, just maybe, having the capability to connect with the world shouldn’t be a luxury item auctioned off to the highest bidder but a staple of modern existence. And guess what? Instead of cutting budgets, how about we reallocate funds from that proposed joyride into space for billionaires and funnel it into something a bit more, I don’t know, grounded?
Next, we mandate that every internet provider plays a part in providing high-speed access to everyone by actually upholding the ‘public service’ part of their job description. Revolutionary, I know. Instead of creating digital divides faster than Moses parted the sea, we bridge ’em with high-speed fiber-optic cables.
In the fiery glow of broadband benefits burning at the stake, we, the hustling, bustling masses, come together around the modem, roast some marshmallows, and share folklore about the times when the internet was as bountiful as the air we breathed. We’ll tell tales of the ‘Unlimited Era,’ laugh, cry, and maybe—just maybe—spark enough of a movement to put the “broad” back in “broadband.”
Source: FCC to cut monthly broadband benefits because of funding shortfall
