Estimated reading time: 3 minutes
If there’s one thing the U.S. Capitol police are more prepared for than a Scout jamboree, it’s the potential chaos of post-election America. In what reads like a film script for “Groundhog Day: The Democracy Edition,” the officers are once again bracing for tweaked nerves and loud voices; you know, just the standard Tuesday in political paradise.
The Breakdown
- Bulletproof Baby Strollers: Playground or War Zone?
Ah, the scent of freshly brewed tear gas in the morning. The U.S. Capitol Police, learning from past boo-boos, are turning the Capitol into a fortress. Because if there’s one thing babies need, it’s tactical defense against rogue balloons. - Y2K: The Sequel — This Time, It’s Political
It is Y2K all over again, just with flags and a spicier Twitter feed. The police are stockpiling resources like doomsday preppers, except instead of canned beans, it’s riot gear. - Synchronized Swimming in a Sea of Chaos
The coordination game is strong, they say. Intelligence agencies and law enforcement are in a ballet of bureaucracy, so synchronized their memos probably dance off the desks. Surely, this will pan out as smoothly as a Pinterest DIY project. - Shock and Awe: Confetti Cannons or Rubber Bullets?
They promise hefty security measures aimed at preventing chaos. Although, let’s be real, a high school prom committee could’ve done a stellar job compared to previous… let’s call them ‘events.’ - Rehearsal for the Reckoning: Duck, Cover & Roll
Drilling like they’ve got oil under the Capitol, the police seem to be prepping for every possible election outcome, except maybe one where everyone agrees and gets along. Because fiction should only go so far, folks.
The Counter
- Tanks for the Memories
Maybe we could try less armor, more conversations. But where’s the fun in that? Tanks rolling down Pennsylvania Avenue has more of a ring to a blockbuster extravaganza. - Let’s Build a Wall… Around the Capitol!
Who needs reform when you have concrete? Besides, walls have such a great historical track record. Just ask Berlin or China — they’ll tell you walls solve everything. - Mind Over Matter: If You Don’t Mind, It Doesn’t Matter
Pfft, psychological services for officers? We could simply give them a pat on the back and an “A for effort” sticker and call it a day. - Stuff My Stocking with Ballots
Holiday-themed security could add that touch of warmth. Replace ballot boxes with Christmas stockings, and let good St. Nick sort out voter fraud from the North Pole. - Don’t Feed the Politicians After Midnight
Rather than preparing for the worst, let’s institute new rules, starting with no policy discussions past midnight. Because nothing good comes from decisions made when the moon is high and the IQ is not.
The Hot Take
Hark! Do you smell that? It’s the aroma of impending chaos, seasoned with a hint of absurdity. But fear not, my fellow Americans! Your favorite crotchety comic has a hot take to salve the wounds of your politically battered souls.
Let’s stop wrapping our Capitol in bubble wrap and invest in something truly outrageous: education, dialogue, and, dare I say, compromise. It’s as if we’re preparing for a zombie apocalypse rather than a civil debate. Remember, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of those extremely attractive riot shields.
Source: How the U.S. Capitol police are already prepping for post-election turmoil
