Estimated reading time: 3 minutes
In an extraordinary twist of events that might as well be the prologue of a “Looney Tunes” episode, a Texan gent has stumbled upon a live relic of war—a veritable artillery shell—lying coyly beneath his petunias. Yes, while ‘ol Jeb—or whatever his name is—was out digging a hole to hide his valuable collection of PBR cans from his spouse, he inadvertently dug up a piece of history that could have rewritten his future in a rather explosive manner.
The Breakdown
- Jeb’s Big Bang Theory
Jeb, our modern-day, boot-strapping archaeologist, wasn’t just digging for the sake of it. Perhaps he aimed to unearth Texas’ new oil, which nowadays seems to be vintage war memorabilia. - Camo vs. Flora
In a yard more suited to gardening than geopolitical conflicts, the shocking placement of an explosive device raises suspicion. Did the shell mistake the dahlias for enemy territory, or perhaps it’s just nature’s way of fighting back against pesticide use? - History Bursts Out, Literally
It seems almost touching that despite the years and the soil’s embrace, the old shell was still ready to party like it’s 1944. Nothing like unearthing potential disaster to remind you that history is always lurking, ready to blow your mind—and perhaps other parts. - The Wartime Repertoire—Yard Edition
Forget about the typical lawn gnomes or plastic flamingos, this fellow has potentially started a new lawn ornament fad. Imagine—vintage artillery shells as conversation starters: “Oh, that? It’s just a little something I found while planting roses.” - Call the Experts or Your Ex?
Upon finding the explosive, a dilemma presents itself. Should one call the bomb squad or an ex with whom things ended on an explosive note? After all, it’s always good to have experts handle things that are likely to blow up.
The Counter
- Dull Ditch Diving
Oh, come on! Where’s the thrill in unearthing mundane objects? Another bone, another bottle cap? Psh! Live ammunition is what really spices up an otherwise dull day of playing in the dirt. - Gotta Love Those War Souvenirs
It’s just like those nostalgic items from your childhood. Only, instead of baseball cards, we’ve got something that truly encapsulates the phrase “blast from the past”. - Yard Safety Shmayety
Some say safety is paramount—but isn’t the real danger dying of boredom while gardening? At least landmines keep you on your toes—it’s like extreme gardening! - Redecorating with Explosives
Move over, Zen gardens and water features. Live artillery shells are the new must-have landscape accoutrement. Nothing says “serenity” like potentially combusting artifacts. - Bomb Squad Schmom Squad
Whats the big deal, right? Anyone with a pair of pliers and a reckless disregard for their digits is qualified to handle a stray piece of ordinance. No need for those flashy bomb squads; surely, YouTube has a DIY solution.
The Hot Take
In the typical fashion of someone who thinks that safety warnings are just casual suggestions, our fellow’s backyard scoop could have resulted in a real “blast” of a barbecue. However, it’s time for a red-hot, liberal take on how to tackle this subterranean artillery issue. Firstly, let’s institute a nationwide “Know Your Landmines” education campaign.
After all, knowledge is power—especially when it’s about things that can make you powerless, permanently. Next, a robust, government-funded program to convert all discovered ordinances into peaceful, carbon-neutral garden gnomes—it’s green and serene. Finally, mandatory support groups for traumatized survivors of garden digging horrors—because the only thing that should be shaken in your yard is your cocktail, not your sense of security.
Source: Texan finds live artillery shell while digging in his yard
