Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
The Details
In the most unsurprising twist since discovering that water is wet, a new report has put a spotlight on what Donald J. Trump was up to on January 6th, a day that will live in infamy and is ranked just below Black Friday on America’s scale of chaos. Apparently, while democracy was experiencing the worst hangover in its 244-year-old life, Mr. Trump was not so much taking decisive action as he was practicing his most presidential golf swings into the abyss of inaction.
Imagine, if you will, a commander-in-chief being faced with a Capitol ransacked by his very own I-want-to-speak-to-the-manager mob. Meanwhile, our ex-reality-star-in-chief was allegedly handling the crisis with all the urgency of someone deciding between Original and Cool Ranch Doritos. The details are outlined in a smorgasbord of revelations more packed than a Costco on sample Saturday — each tidbit a delicacy of skirting responsibilities and constitutional side-eyeing.
The Breakdown
- Tee-Time Over Tea Time
While the Capitol building was doubling as the set of a disaster movie sequel no one asked for, reports suggest that Trump was enjoying a less-than-tearful tea time. Alleged real-time responses from him about the insurrection were as scarce as hen’s teeth, which leads one to imagine him more concerned with perfecting his putt than the putrid predicament of the nation’s legislative heart. - Dial M for Meh
As the chaos unfurled — and while a lesser mortal might frantically dial M for military backup — it seems Trump was phoning in a performance of acute presidential apathy that would have Shakespeare rolling in his grave. With everyone on tenterhooks, the urgency in his voice seems to have had less edge than a butter knife. - The Buck Stops Over There
Harry Truman famously had a sign on his desk stating, “The buck stops here,” but it seems a Trumpian revision might read, “The buck stops… wait, what buck? I’ve never met that buck.” The avoidance of responsibility was presumably so deft that it might’ve been mistaken for the artful moves of a tango dancer — if the stakes weren’t so outrageously high. - Tweeting vs. Leading
It begs one to wonder whether the day’s events saw Trump confusing the verbs to ‘tweet’ and to ‘lead,’ considering there was more activity on his Twitter feed than the Oval Office. Clearly, if retweets were reinforcements, the Capitol would’ve been the safest place on Earth. - Commander-in-Grief
In a time that called for a commander-in-chief, what the nation appeared to have was more of a commander-in-grief. Not the sympathy-inspiring kind of grief, mind you, but the kind that involves much hand-wringing and zero action-taking. The sort that makes you ask: “If a president ignores a coup in the woods and no one’s around to tweet it, did it even happen?”
The Counter
- Distraction Is a Form of Art
Let’s not overlook the possibility that by seemingly doing nothing, Trump was perfecting the ancient art of distraction. You know, like a mime that distracts you with fake walls while your democracy gets pickpocketed. - The Zen of Presidential Calm
Another take could be that Trump was demonstrating the Zen of presidential calm — a level of serenity so profound it can only be witnessed when one’s entire political legacy is teetering like Jenga blocks during a toddler’s tantrum. - A Tweetstorm A Day
Perhaps Trump’s Twitter feed was his version of a superhero’s bat-signal. A flurry of characters to summon… well, someone who actually deals with emergencies, as he was obviously too busy tweeting up a storm. - Keep Calm and Trump On
Maybe he was adhering to the British wartime slogan to ‘Keep Calm and Carry On.’ Except it was more ‘Keep Calm and Trump On’ as he blithely carried on as though his supporters weren’t cosplaying the fall of Rome. - An Autocrat’s Guide to Democracy
This was simply a masterclass in ‘Autocracy 101’: when facing a crisis of your own making, negotiate with reality and bargain it down to the version where you don’t actually have to do anything.
The Hot Take
Look, if we really want to fix these sorts of problems, it’s about time we installed an Executive Branch Easy Button. You know, one press, and bam: automatic, rational decision-making! But seriously, diving into the deep end of democracy’s pool means leadership ought to be anchored in the responsible end, not splashing around in the shallow waters of self-interest.
Maybe it’s time to look at the presidency as less of a one-man show and more like a reality TV elimination challenge, where you’re voted off for bad behavior. How we approach this fix is crucial — like switching from dark comedy to educational programming. It’ll have less immediate laughs but might prevent the sort of historical pie in the face we experienced on January 6th.
Source: New Report Sheds Light on Donald Trump’s Jan. 6 Actions
