Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Raise your hands and raise ’em high if you’ve heard this one before: non-citizen voting is a colossal threat looming over our precious democratic process like a Bigfoot sighting—often talked about but never actually seen.
According to a brilliantly illuminating piece in the Daily Kos, this hysteria around phantom voters has been as prevalent and as baseless as it was two centuries ago. This notion is the political equivalent of fearing that your next-door neighbor is a secret zombie: entertaining in a B-movie, but not exactly substantial public policy material.
The Breakdown
- Specter of the Invisible Voter
Let’s tackle the notorious myth of invisible voters who are apparently so skilled at avoiding capture yet can swing elections like Tarzan in the jungle. The article points out the lack of evidence behind this political poltergeist which has about as much credibility as my Uncle Larry’s story about once dating Beyoncé. - The Voter ID Conjuring Trick
Surprise, surprise! Here comes the Voter ID laws, the modern-day witch trial for our supposed non-citizen voters. The article emphasizes how these laws are the political magic trick – now you see your rights, now you don’t! They pop up faster than a rabbit in a magician’s hat whenever someone screams ‘fraud’ in a crowded polling station. - The Historical Horror Show
Flashback to 200 years ago and nothing’s changed. The article digs up the grave of the past showing that America’s been fretting over non-citizen voting since it could fret. This is the electoral equivalent of fearing that Dracula still uses dial-up Internet—it’s outdated, folks. - The Myth-Busting Bonanza
The piece does a Sherlock Holmes on us, investigating claims and turning up, well, a lot of nothing. It’s almost as if drumming up fear of non-citizen voting is less about facts and more about scaring folks into voting a certain way. Because nothing says persuasive like a good scare tactic, right? - The Economic Ectoplasm
Apparently, there’s also an economic ghost story here. The article highlights how screaming about non-citizen voting is not just politically convenient; it’s economically beneficial—for those selling the narrative, obviously. Follow the money trail and you find laws and policies that do more to pad pockets than protect polls.
The Counter
- The Case of the Overstuffed Ballot Boxes
So, what if every Halloween, the Great Pumpkin really did show up and non-citizens flooded the polling places? Well, by the logic of fear, we should also be preparing for the imminent invasion of flying reindeer every Christmas. - The “Every Vote Matters” Paradox
If every vote genuinely counts in our democracy, why do some folks want fewer people voting? Oh right, more votes must only matter when they’re the “right” kind of votes. How democratic. - The ‘Polling Place Purgatory’
We’ve got lines longer than the ones at DMV, and yet somehow, we’re supposed to believe that adding some mythical non-citizen voters into this mix is the real problem? Might as well blame Bigfoot for traffic jams while we’re at it. - The Doppelgänger Voter Deception
The fearmongers would have you believe that for every real voter, there’s a ghostly twin from another nation poised to tip the scales. Perhaps we should start looking for our voting doppelgängers—I hear they throw wicked Halloween parties. - The Zombie Apocalypse Deflection
Finally, isn’t it convenient? Whenever real issues affect voting, like gerrymandering or voter suppression, the old zombie apocalypse of non-citizen voting gets blamed. Nothing to see here folks, just some undead electoral concerns.
The Hot Take
Here’s my patented “Hot Take,” folks! If we really want to fix our democracy and make it as robust as my love for a good rant, let’s focus on real issues like making sure every citizen can vote easily, huh? How about automatic registration?
More polling places, perhaps? Or could we dare dream of a national holiday on Election Day to really celebrate our democracy without worrying about the ghosts of voters past? Let’s fix the real horrors, like gerrymandering, instead of chasing specters with our torches and pitchforks.
Source: The fear of noncitizen voting is as baseless as it has been for 200 years
