Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
The Details
Oh, brace yourselves folks, because this is going to be a dizzying exploration into the depths of alternate realities where facts are more twisted than a pretzel at a state fair. We’re diving into the abyss where former President Trump and his loyal band of merry pranksters are trying as hard as they can to take a Sharpie to history. You guessed it: they’re trying to repaint the chaos of January 6th with all the finesse of a kindergartener’s finger painting.
In a detailed expose, Sidney Blumenthal peels back the layers of this attempted historical facelift. It’s like watching someone try to fix a broken vase with nothing but hope and aggressive ignorance. This narrative is so fantastical, Tolkien would’ve blushed writing it, and so delusional, it might just get its own segment in a flat-earthers’ convention.
The Breakdown
- Trump as President or Scriptwriter for National Treasure 3?
In this latest bid for a rewrite, Trump isn’t just playing president; he’s auditioning for the role of a Hollywood screenwriter. According to our source, he’d have you believe that January 6th was nothing more than a peaceful tour of the Capitol—never mind the broken windows, the chants for violence, and the unmistakable fashion faux pas of Viking horns. - Toadies: Not Just Unappealing Amphibians Anymore
And what’s a king without his court? The term “toadies” doesn’t even begin to describe the cadre of enablers who are tripping over themselves to back up these alternative facts. It’s like a bunch of yes-men in a “Who Can Kiss The Ring Better” competition. - Insurrection? No, It Was A Block Party!
One would think that an event marked by the presence of a gallows would signal a tad bit more than a mere disagreement. However, in this bizarro retelling, those weren’t malicious threats; no, they were just misunderstood party favors! - The Sharpie is Mightier Than the Truth
The big guy’s persistent narrative seems to be developed with the same tool he used to redefine the path of a hurricane: a Sharpie. Now it’s being employed to redraw the lines of history, except this map leads us straight off the edge of sanity. - It’s Just a Flesh Wound, America!
Throwing Monty Python references into the mix, these historical revisionists seem convinced that like the Black Knight, American democracy suffered “just a flesh wound.” Never mind that the arm on the ground has “democratic process” written all over it.
The Counter
- America, Land of the Free (To Invent Your Own History)
Who needs textbooks or actual events when you’ve got creativity? Since when did democracy rely on concrete facts anyway? Let’s just open the floor to whoever has the loudest voice; they get to decide history, right? - Remember, Vandalism is in the Eye of the Beholder
Maybe we shouldn’t be so quick to judge the broken windows and ransacked offices—that could be the new trend in interior design, and we’re just behind the times. - Loyalists? More Like Reality Curators
Trump’s band of followers isn’t just blindly loyal; they’re the new guardians of the truth, carefully sculpting it as one would a bonsai tree or a topiary, snipping away all those unsightly bits of actual evidence. - Alternative Facts Are Just ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’
We had it all wrong. Alternative facts are not lies—they’re opportunities! It’s like a thrilling choose-your-own-adventure book, except every choice leads to the same ending: chaos. - A Little Coup Attempt Now and Then is Relished by the Wisest Men
Who doesn’t love the thrill of a coup attempt in the morning? It really puts the sparkle in democracy and reminds us just how much fun it is to come back from the brink of anarchic collapse.
The Hot Take
Now that we’ve waltzed through this hall of funhouse mirrors, it’s time for a little real talk—a “Hot Take,” if you will. Let’s be honest, if fixing this mess were as easy as snapping our fingers, I’d have carpal tunnel from the effort. But ladies and gentlemen, as we glance over the precipice of our democracy teetering on the edge, maybe—just maybe—we could avoid this existential bedrock-bottom by tightening the reins on our facts.
Now, how about entertaining the radical idea that holding folks accountable for their actions isn’t just for the plot of an afterschool special, but for, say, the leaders of the free world? Mind-blowing, I know. And just for kicks, let’s toss in some good old-fashioned education about the difference between freedom of speech and a bullhorn for misinformation.
I’m no Nostradamus with a crystal ball, but embracing reality and shedding this snakeskin suit of falsehoods sounds like a decent start. After all, sarcasm aside, truth tends to be the foundation upon which that pesky little thing called democracy is built.
