Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
During what can only be ambiguously labeled as ‘questioning,’ Gaetz and his witnesses transformed the halls of democracy into a theater of the absurd. But don’t worry, folks, it was all for the noble cause of… uh, who knows anymore?
The Breakdown
- Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, Who’s the Threaten-iest of Them All?
- In a heated exchange that would make kindergarten teachers cringe, Gaetz and the witnesses engaged in a rhetorical bout of ‘Is that a threat?’ one-upmanship.
- You could practically see the cartoon smoke coming out of their ears as they red-facedly huffed and puffed, trying to blow each other’s houses down with the raw power of indignation.
- Irony, Thy Name is Congressional Hearing
- The hearing attempted to tackle serious issues, yet ended up as more proof of the self-sustaining ecosystem of irony that Capitol Hill has become.
- Witness the spectacle of grown adults, elected officials no less, partaking in the kind of verbal slapstick that would have vaudeville audiences throwing tomatoes.
- Wipe That Smirk Off Your Morality
- Each party accused the other of malfeasance with the kind of moral outrage that could only come from people seemingly ignorant of their own smirking visages in the funhouse mirror of politics.
- The level of sanctimonious sermonizing present made one wonder if they’d accidentally switched on a televangelist program.
- Democracy’s Soap Opera: Gaetz of Our Lives
- Cue dramatic organ music as we delve into the tales of deception, lies, and the kind of Machiavellian machinations that make ‘Game of Thrones’ look like a UN peace conference.
- If soap operas are your thing, I’d wager this hearings’ transcript might just be the next big hit in daytime television.
- A Lesson in Civics or a Comedy Central Roast?
- The session was supposed to be informative, but alas, the education provided was less Schoolhouse Rock and more akin to a Comedy Central Roast without the benefit of Jeff Ross’s quips.
- By the end, viewers may have been unable to differentiate between the sound of a congressman’s argument and the noise of a whoopee cushion.
The Counter
- Bipartisanship: It’s Like a Unicorn, but Less Believable
- It’s heartwarming to see bipartisan efforts in action, if by “bipartisan efforts” we mean both parties can agree on making popcorn to watch their adversaries implode.
- Ah, unity.
- The Decorum of a Pirate Ship
- One might admire the staunch adherence to tradition and decorum… if this were a pirate ship and ‘decorum’ meant who can belch the alphabet.
- Stay classy, Capitol Hill.
- Forgive Them, for They Know Not What They Do (Or Say)
- Perhaps this is all a misunderstanding. Maybe they forgot their inside voices and how human interaction works.
- It’s cute, really, in an exasperating, facepalm-inducing kind of way.
- Advocates for Higher Education
- The session might inspire many to stay in school, because clearly, something went awry in the education of our representatives.
- Maybe they were sick the day they taught diplomacy?
- Complex Issues, Simple Minds
- Delving into the nuanced complexity of socio-political dynamics takes a backseat when the primary concern is who can score the most rhetorical points.
- It’s like watching two people play chess with checkers pieces.
The Hot Take
As a liberal comedian, I prescribe the following remedy: replace them all. Maybe we can’t fix the system overnight, but can we at least get people in there who understand that governance isn’t a ‘Yo Mama’ fight? Set up a dunk tank in the Capitol building; any time you forget that you’re there to serve the public, you take a swim. Replace the gavel with a squeaky toy hammer – it’s less dignified, but let’s not pretend it would make a difference. And for the sake of transparency, let’s introduce a new rule: every time a politician dodges a question, they have to wear a clown nose for the remainder of the session. At least then it would be clear that the joke’s on us.
Source: ‘Is that a threat?’ Witnesses go at each other during Matt Gaetz’s questions
