Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In what feels like a scenario cherry-picked from a dystopian stand-up routine, we’ve stumbled across a headline that’s as laughable as it is forehead-smackingly concerning: practically all countries are on track to experience population drops by the year 2100. And no, it’s not because aliens are planning to RSVP us to their intergalactic kegger – it’s because people are having fewer babies. Of course, in typical human fashion, we’re addressing this potential crisis with all the urgency of a sloth on sedatives. Why confront complex social issues today when you can kick that can down a dystopian road?
The Breakdown
- 97% of Countries Playing “The Floor is Lava” with Fertility Rates.
- Across the globe, it seems folks are suddenly treating their reproductive capabilities like it’s a hot potato nobody wants to catch. Was there a memo? Did I miss the meeting where we collectively decided to give Mother Nature the cold shoulder?
- Across the globe, it seems folks are suddenly treating their reproductive capabilities like it’s a hot potato nobody wants to catch. Was there a memo? Did I miss the meeting where we collectively decided to give Mother Nature the cold shoulder?
- Babies Spite Scientists – Decide Not To Exist.
- Researchers cooking up population estimates in their demographic Easy-Bake Ovens are working up a real sweat as people are pulling the world’s biggest ghosting act. They’ve dumped us all not by text but by not existing at all.
- Researchers cooking up population estimates in their demographic Easy-Bake Ovens are working up a real sweat as people are pulling the world’s biggest ghosting act. They’ve dumped us all not by text but by not existing at all.
- Contraceptives: Now With 100% More Existential Dread!
- If you were wondering why birth control stocks are as buoyant as a witch trial’s dunking stool, here’s your answer. Turns out, the best contraceptive might just be a healthy dose of pessimism about the future. Who knew?
- If you were wondering why birth control stocks are as buoyant as a witch trial’s dunking stool, here’s your answer. Turns out, the best contraceptive might just be a healthy dose of pessimism about the future. Who knew?
- Millennials: Putting the ‘No’ in Procreation.
- Kids these days, huh? You give them a few economic recessions, a climate crisis, and some avocado toast, and suddenly they’re all too “busy” to partake in the miracle of life.
- Kids these days, huh? You give them a few economic recessions, a climate crisis, and some avocado toast, and suddenly they’re all too “busy” to partake in the miracle of life.
- “Inaction” – The New National Pastime.
- As fertility rates plummet, our collective political willpower for policy change seems equally limp. Guess we’re hoping for some sort of immaculate conception of solutions here in the near future – while doing nothing.
- As fertility rates plummet, our collective political willpower for policy change seems equally limp. Guess we’re hoping for some sort of immaculate conception of solutions here in the near future – while doing nothing.
The Counter
- Maybe Mother Earth Just Wants Some Me-Time?
- Let’s consider for a second – maybe our planet is just playing hard to get? Perhaps Earth wants a break from all our nonsense. It’s not you, it’s humanity.
- Let’s consider for a second – maybe our planet is just playing hard to get? Perhaps Earth wants a break from all our nonsense. It’s not you, it’s humanity.
- Back to Basics: It’s Not the Size That Counts.
- They say quality over quantity, right? Maybe with fewer humans, we can finally get a proper headcount at family reunions instead of playing human bingo.
- They say quality over quantity, right? Maybe with fewer humans, we can finally get a proper headcount at family reunions instead of playing human bingo.
- Overpopulation is So Last Century.
- Sure, we’ve been panicking about having too many mouths to feed for decades. But if you can’t beat them, join them – let’s boldly underachieve!
- Sure, we’ve been panicking about having too many mouths to feed for decades. But if you can’t beat them, join them – let’s boldly underachieve!
- Sperm Banks as the New Offshore Accounts.
- Who needs tax havens when you’ve got cryogenic freezes full of potential future taxpayers? Kindly thaw for economic prosperity.
- Who needs tax havens when you’ve got cryogenic freezes full of potential future taxpayers? Kindly thaw for economic prosperity.
- We’ll Adapt – Bring On The Robot Nannies!
- Let’s toast to our future silicon saviors. Heck, a population decline might just be the excuse we need to pivot to a fully automated luxury space communism.
The Hot Take
Alright, listen up – because it’s time we cook up a steaming Hot Take that could only be served by yours truly. Lunging at the low-hanging fruit of the problem won’t cut it. We need action that is as spicy as a tabasco eye-drop and as direct as a toddler’s question about where babies come from. Here’s my solution, strap in:
First, let’s acknowledge the elephant in the womb: a world with fewer diaper demigods could mean more quality time for existing ankle-biters. Great! But we need incentives that go beyond tax breaks and free pacifiers. We start by making sure the world we’re inviting these hypothetical whippersnappers into isn’t the set of a bad sci-fi movie. Free childcare, paid parental leave, a planet that’s more green than grey – these are the building blocks of baby-making paradise.
Then, let’s revolutionize education – from sex ed to debt-free degrees. Kids need to know that the birds and the bees aren’t going extinct and neither should their bank accounts for wanting to learn about them. And let’s not forget healthcare. Make it universal and make it sane – because nothing says “let’s have a baby” like not going bankrupt to birth one.
Finally, let’s wrap this up with greener living spaces, pumpkin spice clean energy, and jobs that pay in more than just exposure. We sprinkle in some respect for personal choices, mix with a dash of humor and serve hot to the next generation.
Remember, crafting a world where people feel like it’s worth bringing in reinforcements is on us – and it might just be the funniest punchline humanity has ever produced.
Source: ‘Baby Bust’ To See Shrinking Populations in 97% of Countries by 2100
