Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
It seems as if humanity’s common sense has decided to take a sabbatical, leaving space for the absurd to rule. In a world where people actively search for health advice on the back of cereal boxes, it’s hardly a shocker that abortions are now hitting the DIY circuit. “Abortions outside medical system increased sharply after Roe fell, study finds,” blares the headline, and I’m stifling the urge to ask if there’s a handy YouTube tutorial for that.
It’s a remix of an old number that goes something like this: take away people’s rights, and they’ll find ways around it—usually in their own basements, possibly with a spatula in hand. The article paints a vivid picture of the lengths to which individuals are going to assert control over their bodies at a time when policy-makers seem possessed with a medieval spirit.
The Breakdown
- When Life Gives You Lemons, Turn Them Into Back-Alley Abortions
- The moment the protections of Roe v. Wade got yeeted into the stratosphere, a chorus sang out, “What could possibly go wrong?” Well, much like mixing plaids with polka dots, people found a way to make it work—albeit questionably. With clinical options dwindling faster than my tolerance for politicians, the public has sought alternatives with the gusto of a raccoon in a dumpster.
- The moment the protections of Roe v. Wade got yeeted into the stratosphere, a chorus sang out, “What could possibly go wrong?” Well, much like mixing plaids with polka dots, people found a way to make it work—albeit questionably. With clinical options dwindling faster than my tolerance for politicians, the public has sought alternatives with the gusto of a raccoon in a dumpster.
- How the Turntables…
- Surge in self-managed abortions? Must be another Monday in post-Roe America. Except it’s every day, and no, Michael Scott, it’s not just a case of the turntables. It’s about folks spinning the reproductive Wheel of Fortune and landing on ‘Make Do With What You Got,’ ’cause the house sure ain’t helping.
- Surge in self-managed abortions? Must be another Monday in post-Roe America. Except it’s every day, and no, Michael Scott, it’s not just a case of the turntables. It’s about folks spinning the reproductive Wheel of Fortune and landing on ‘Make Do With What You Got,’ ’cause the house sure ain’t helping.
- The Original Do-It-Yourself Project
- If IKEA starts making abortion kits, remember where you heard it first. Apparently, self-sufficiency is key in a society that loves to preach “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” but forgets not everyone wears boots. Or even has feet, metaphorically speaking.
- If IKEA starts making abortion kits, remember where you heard it first. Apparently, self-sufficiency is key in a society that loves to preach “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” but forgets not everyone wears boots. Or even has feet, metaphorically speaking.
- Dr. Google Will See You Now
- Who needs medical degrees when there’s a wealth of dubious internet advice at our fingertips? Scoot over WebMD, and let the real pros (AKA desperate citizens denied proper healthcare) take the wheel. Next thing we know, there’ll be an app for that, and the terms and conditions will be more binding than the Constitution.
- Who needs medical degrees when there’s a wealth of dubious internet advice at our fingertips? Scoot over WebMD, and let the real pros (AKA desperate citizens denied proper healthcare) take the wheel. Next thing we know, there’ll be an app for that, and the terms and conditions will be more binding than the Constitution.
- Your Body, Their Choice—A Love Story
- In the land of the free (terms and conditions may apply), the government’s love for controlling uteruses remains unmatched. It’s like a Shakespearean drama where the laws play the overbearing father to every Juliet with a womb, insisting on a future penned by someone who probably thinks Viagra is essential healthcare.
- In the land of the free (terms and conditions may apply), the government’s love for controlling uteruses remains unmatched. It’s like a Shakespearean drama where the laws play the overbearing father to every Juliet with a womb, insisting on a future penned by someone who probably thinks Viagra is essential healthcare.
The Counter
- Isn’t This What Freedom Tastes Like?
- Ah, sweet freedom, where you’re free to… uhm, endanger yourself due to lack of options? Patriotism, but make it a public health crisis. The founding fathers are surely high-fiving each other in their graves.
- Ah, sweet freedom, where you’re free to… uhm, endanger yourself due to lack of options? Patriotism, but make it a public health crisis. The founding fathers are surely high-fiving each other in their graves.
- Back in My Day, We Used a Good Old-Fashioned Coathanger
- Speak to the traditionalists, who’ll tell you that if antiquated solutions were good enough for your great-grandma, they’re good enough for you. Historical reenactment, but with more blood and a side of desperation.
- Speak to the traditionalists, who’ll tell you that if antiquated solutions were good enough for your great-grandma, they’re good enough for you. Historical reenactment, but with more blood and a side of desperation.
- Survival of the Fittest, or the Richest
- If you can’t afford a private clinic, did you really even try? Pull out a second mortgage for your reproductive rights! It’s the newest fad—like Bitcoin, but for your ovaries.
- If you can’t afford a private clinic, did you really even try? Pull out a second mortgage for your reproductive rights! It’s the newest fad—like Bitcoin, but for your ovaries.
- Big Government Knows Best
- Trust in the almighty overlords who couldn’t run a bath without flooding the Capitol. They’ll guide you through your moral quandaries while simultaneously getting caught in 4K at the strip club on a Tuesday afternoon.
- Trust in the almighty overlords who couldn’t run a bath without flooding the Capitol. They’ll guide you through your moral quandaries while simultaneously getting caught in 4K at the strip club on a Tuesday afternoon.
- Pharmacies, Schmarmacies
- With the crackdown on distribution channels for medication to induce abortions, who needs drugstores? Your local back-alley apothecary, complete with zero medical training, is just around the corner. It’s like a Farmer’s Market but less organic and more dystopian.
- With the crackdown on distribution channels for medication to induce abortions, who needs drugstores? Your local back-alley apothecary, complete with zero medical training, is just around the corner. It’s like a Farmer’s Market but less organic and more dystopian.
The Hot Take
You know what’s funny? The article lays out a scenario that’s more scrambled than eggs at a diner, and yet here we stand, chuckling in the face of the absurdity that seems to have permeated into the fabric of our great nation. It’s about time we iron out these wrinkles with a scalding hot take.
Let’s get radical, shall we? How about—now hold onto your monocles, folks—providing comprehensive sex education that’s so thorough, teenagers can diagram a fallopian tube while blindfolded. Next, we pivot to making contraception as common as Starbucks on a city block. Lastly, we actually listen to healthcare professionals—yes, those people who spent a little more time in college than a Kardashian on a photo op.
Source: Abortions outside medical system increased sharply after Roe fell, study finds
