Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In a world that’s desperately in need of another political rerun, Chris Christie has declared he will not be attempting to sashay into the White House on a third-party ticket, courtesy of No Labels. For those craving the drama, angst, and pure comedic fodder that would come from Christie channeling his inner Ross Perot, it’s a hard pill to swallow.
So, while the potential of Trump and Christie sparing on a debate stage is as dead as Christie’s presidential ambitions, let’s dissect what’s really going on, with copious amounts of sarcasm, naturally.
The Breakdown
- Missing the Party Because He Can’t Decide What to Wear:
- Christie seems to be wrestling with sartorial indecision. It’s tough choosing the right outfit for a third-party party. Do you go with centrist chic or bipartisan bold? Instead, Chris has decided to stay home and criticize the attire from his couch.
- Christie seems to be wrestling with sartorial indecision. It’s tough choosing the right outfit for a third-party party. Do you go with centrist chic or bipartisan bold? Instead, Chris has decided to stay home and criticize the attire from his couch.
- No Labels, Too Many Choices:
- No Labels, the political organization aiming for a centrist candidate, might be having a harder time than a toddler picking a bedtime story. They’re flicking through their Rolodex of has-beens and never-weres, hoping one of them will stick. Spoiler: they stick about as well as Teflon.
- No Labels, the political organization aiming for a centrist candidate, might be having a harder time than a toddler picking a bedtime story. They’re flicking through their Rolodex of has-beens and never-weres, hoping one of them will stick. Spoiler: they stick about as well as Teflon.
- The Elephant in the Room Is Just Too Big:
- The GOP elephant is clearly too massive for Christie to wrangle this time around. He might be bold, but apparently not bold enough to face down the trunk of a party that’s scarcely resembling its former self.
- The GOP elephant is clearly too massive for Christie to wrangle this time around. He might be bold, but apparently not bold enough to face down the trunk of a party that’s scarcely resembling its former self.
- Christie’s So Over the White House – It’s Like, Totally Last Season:
- Chris Christie’s declaration that the White House is so beneath him now must be the new political equivalent of claiming to be “over” a band once they hit mainstream. Sounds like someone’s presidential mixtape just didn’t get enough plays.
- Chris Christie’s declaration that the White House is so beneath him now must be the new political equivalent of claiming to be “over” a band once they hit mainstream. Sounds like someone’s presidential mixtape just didn’t get enough plays.
- Can’t Risk Another Bridgegate – Traffic’s Bad Enough Already:
- Let’s face it, Christie must be wary of closing more lanes on his political highway. The traffic jam from Bridgegate still looms in rearview mirrors, and another political pile-up is something he’s likely eager to avoid.
- Let’s face it, Christie must be wary of closing more lanes on his political highway. The traffic jam from Bridgegate still looms in rearview mirrors, and another political pile-up is something he’s likely eager to avoid.
The Counter
- Closet Full of Presidential Dreams:
- Behind closed doors, Christie’s closet is filled to the brim with presidential dreams. It’s an eternal game of ‘will he, won’t he’ as the suits gather dust. But he’ll always have that one tie – the one that “could have been.”
- Behind closed doors, Christie’s closet is filled to the brim with presidential dreams. It’s an eternal game of ‘will he, won’t he’ as the suits gather dust. But he’ll always have that one tie – the one that “could have been.”
- The Spotlight is So Last Year:
- Christie argues that being the center of attention is simply passé. He much prefers the quiet dignity of cable news sound bites and the understated presence at book signings for tomes that someone else ghostwrote.
- Christie argues that being the center of attention is simply passé. He much prefers the quiet dignity of cable news sound bites and the understated presence at book signings for tomes that someone else ghostwrote.
- Thinking Inside the Box:
- Staying within the cozy confines of the Republican party might just be Christie’s way of box-living. It’s less about not being able to think outside of it and more about the fear of what happens when you do.
- Staying within the cozy confines of the Republican party might just be Christie’s way of box-living. It’s less about not being able to think outside of it and more about the fear of what happens when you do.
- Pro Wrestling Promos Are More Subtle Than Politics:
- If politics is pro wrestling for the verbally inclined, then Christie’s recent declarations are the mic drops. Except nobody is quite sure what the match was about, to begin with.
- If politics is pro wrestling for the verbally inclined, then Christie’s recent declarations are the mic drops. Except nobody is quite sure what the match was about, to begin with.
- Bridge Bridled His Bravado:
- It could just be that Bridgegate bridled Christie’s bravado. Maybe he misses the eye of the storm too much to chance getting caught in another.
- It could just be that Bridgegate bridled Christie’s bravado. Maybe he misses the eye of the storm too much to chance getting caught in another.
The Hot Take
Here’s my hot take, served fresher than Christie’s never-baked presidential aspirations: If we want to fix the problem, the solution isn’t found in a third-party bid that’s as well-thought-out as my last-minute shopping list. No, we need to rally behind ideas that are more stable than the San Andreas Fault during a yoga retreat.
How about we start with actual policies instead of just personality politics? How revolutionary. Politics might just be the only industry left where recycling is frowned upon—and yet, here we are, sorting through the trash, hoping to find a vintage piece that’s suddenly en-vogue.
Source: Chris Christie won’t run third-party with No Labels against Trump in 2024 race
