Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Oh, strap in folks—it looks like the RNC has a new magician, or should I say, strategy up its sleeve for the looming 2024 presidential election. And no, it’s not another Apprentice-style reality show to pick candidates. Instead, Lara Trump, stepping into the spotlight with all the calm assurance of someone who’s never accidentally burned the whole dinner, declares that the RNC will “physically handle the ballots.” Yeah, because that’s what democracy was missing—more hands on the ballots!
The Breakdown
- Magical Mystery Tour
- Ah, nothing says trust in electoral integrity like promising to lay your hands directly on the ballots. Lara Trump suggests that this hands-on approach will shore up election security. Because when I think security, I think more human touch points, especially in a process historically automated and kept scrupulously hands-off to prevent, I don’t know, fraud?
- Ah, nothing says trust in electoral integrity like promising to lay your hands directly on the ballots. Lara Trump suggests that this hands-on approach will shore up election security. Because when I think security, I think more human touch points, especially in a process historically automated and kept scrupulously hands-off to prevent, I don’t know, fraud?
- Pristine Interventions
- The RNC, under Lara’s visionary lead, is convinced that physically meddling… sorry, handling the ballots will prevent questionable ballots from being counted. Nothing screams “fair election” more than party operatives turning a magnifying glass on votes. Minority Report but make it electoral!
- The RNC, under Lara’s visionary lead, is convinced that physically meddling… sorry, handling the ballots will prevent questionable ballots from being counted. Nothing screams “fair election” more than party operatives turning a magnifying glass on votes. Minority Report but make it electoral!
- Touching Tales of Democracy
- Imagine RNC members gently cradling your vote in their hands, whispering “We’ll take it from here.” Any further questions about vote tampering, folks? Lara assures this could guarantee the integrity of the entire voting system. Yes, because physically handling things has never led to corruption, contamination, or outright chaos before.
- Imagine RNC members gently cradling your vote in their hands, whispering “We’ll take it from here.” Any further questions about vote tampering, folks? Lara assures this could guarantee the integrity of the entire voting system. Yes, because physically handling things has never led to corruption, contamination, or outright chaos before.
- A Trust Exercise
- A big part of this plan, as described, revolves around trust. You remember trust, right? That thing you had before you knew politicians could tweet? Well, Lara wants it back and thinks this ballot-handling fiesta is just the ticket. Nothing says “trust me” like changing the fundamental methods of vote handling months before an election.
- A big part of this plan, as described, revolves around trust. You remember trust, right? That thing you had before you knew politicians could tweet? Well, Lara wants it back and thinks this ballot-handling fiesta is just the ticket. Nothing says “trust me” like changing the fundamental methods of vote handling months before an election.
- Preemptive Problem Solving
- Don’t wait for issues to occur on Election Day. No, siree! The new mantra is to create potential problems way before, so everyone’s too dizzy to question the legitimacy of the results. After all, prevention is better than cure—or in this case, cure is better as prevention?
- Don’t wait for issues to occur on Election Day. No, siree! The new mantra is to create potential problems way before, so everyone’s too dizzy to question the legitimacy of the results. After all, prevention is better than cure—or in this case, cure is better as prevention?
The Counter
- Who Needs Hands?
- Since we’re getting physical with democracy, why stop at ballots? Let’s have them handle voter IDs with their bare hands too! After all, you can’t really know someone until you’ve felt the embossed surface of their driver’s license.
- Since we’re getting physical with democracy, why stop at ballots? Let’s have them handle voter IDs with their bare hands too! After all, you can’t really know someone until you’ve felt the embossed surface of their driver’s license.
- DIY Democracy
- If handling ballots ensures election security, why don’t we all take our ballots home, snug them into bed, and bring them back on Election Day? Nothing could possibly go wrong with a bring-your-own-ballot system, right?
- If handling ballots ensures election security, why don’t we all take our ballots home, snug them into bed, and bring them back on Election Day? Nothing could possibly go wrong with a bring-your-own-ballot system, right?
- Gloves On or Gloves Off?
- It’s a pressing matter whether these ballots should be handled with silk gloves, latex gloves, or just gritty bare-knuckled ambition. Safety first! Or was it ambition first? I keep forgetting.
- It’s a pressing matter whether these ballots should be handled with silk gloves, latex gloves, or just gritty bare-knuckled ambition. Safety first! Or was it ambition first? I keep forgetting.
- Ballot Ballet
- With all this handling, ballots might as well be auditioning for Swan Lake—dancing right out of voters’ hands into those more… qualified. It’s performance art with a splash of constitutional crisis!
- With all this handling, ballots might as well be auditioning for Swan Lake—dancing right out of voters’ hands into those more… qualified. It’s performance art with a splash of constitutional crisis!
- Trust Falls
- We’re turning Election Day into a giant trust fall exercise. Voters just have to hope and pray that their ballot lands in hands that have nothing but pure intentions. Because that’s always worked out in history, right?
- We’re turning Election Day into a giant trust fall exercise. Voters just have to hope and pray that their ballot lands in hands that have nothing but pure intentions. Because that’s always worked out in history, right?
The Hot Take
So, what’s the solution here? Aside from not letting political parties turn ballot processing into a contact sport? Maybe we could actually aim for less handling, more transparency, and actually invest in systems that have a track record of reliability and impartiality.
I know, it’s a wild thought! We could always just laugh ourselves silly as we watch this marvelous comedy unfold—but the joke might just be on us. There you have it, in the midst of this thrill ride into the Armageddon of democracy, we might just have to, you know, demand that silly little thing called integrity. Or maybe invent ballot sanitizer. That’ll do.
Source: Lara Trump vows RNC will ‘physically handle the ballots’ in 2024 presidential election
