Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In a move that has cartographers and Democrats alike reaching for their inhalers, the federal courts have given their blessing to the congressional map backed by none other than Florida’s favorite governor-cum-cartoon-supervillain, Ron DeSantis.
The map, which is to redistricting what Picasso is to a straight line, aims to redraw Florida’s congressional districts in a way that some critics claim Walt Disney himself couldn’t have animated better for maximum confusion and GOP gain.
The Breakdown
- Say Goodbye to Geography Class: Who needs natural geographical boundaries when you have a fancy pen and the unchecked ambition to make districts look like a Rorschach test? Kids, just toss your textbooks because “compactness,” “contiguity,” and “communities of interest” are so last census.
- Specifics: With a squiggle here and an annex there, the new congressional map carves through counties like a Thanksgiving turkey. Watch with amazement as little conservative enclaves are lovingly preserved, while areas that vote blue are wonderfully diluted like grandma’s overzealous use of watercolors.
- Specifics: With a squiggle here and an annex there, the new congressional map carves through counties like a Thanksgiving turkey. Watch with amazement as little conservative enclaves are lovingly preserved, while areas that vote blue are wonderfully diluted like grandma’s overzealous use of watercolors.
- Honey, I Shrunk The Minority Influence: Step right up and watch as the political influence of minority groups is reduced so efficiently, you’d swear there was invisible ink on the Voting Rights Act.
- Specifics: Particular districts that once provided minority groups a voice louder than a toddler with a megaphone, now whisper quieter than a teenager after curfew. Just like that, ceaseless shrieks of gerrymandering are quieted by the magical wand of “judicial approval.”
- Specifics: Particular districts that once provided minority groups a voice louder than a toddler with a megaphone, now whisper quieter than a teenager after curfew. Just like that, ceaseless shrieks of gerrymandering are quieted by the magical wand of “judicial approval.”
- The Magic Kingdom of Voter Suppression: Disney may have lost its self-governing status, but Florida seems to have taken the cue to create a fantasia of voter manipulation that would leave Mickey Mouse feeling out of a job.
- Specifics: Each new district feels less like a democratic decision and more like the strategic moves in a game of “Hungry Hungry Hippos” — except here, the hippos are fed a diet exclusively of potential Republican votes.
- Specifics: Each new district feels less like a democratic decision and more like the strategic moves in a game of “Hungry Hungry Hippos” — except here, the hippos are fed a diet exclusively of potential Republican votes.
- Democracy’s Weight Loss Program: You’ve heard of the Atkins Diet and the Keto craze, but Florida’s serving up the latest fad: the Democracy Diet, where districts are slimmed down faster than you can say “Are my votes even counting?”
- Specifics: The weight melting away isn’t pounds, it’s political power. The once full-bodied representation is now trimmed to the preferences of the ruling party, leaving a slim figure that might look good in a suit, but doesn’t hold up in a strong wind of public scrutiny.
- Specifics: The weight melting away isn’t pounds, it’s political power. The once full-bodied representation is now trimmed to the preferences of the ruling party, leaving a slim figure that might look good in a suit, but doesn’t hold up in a strong wind of public scrutiny.
- A Balanced Approach (If You’re Drunk Walking a Tightrope): If you’ve ever yearned for political balance, this map teeters on the edge of fairness like a drunkard on a unicycle, balancing with all the grace of a three-year-old’s crayon rendition of the scales of justice.
- Specifics: “Balance” in this context must be a new definition we’re all not privy to— one where the scales are permanently tipped to one side, and the only thing being weighed are GOP prospects.
- Specifics: “Balance” in this context must be a new definition we’re all not privy to— one where the scales are permanently tipped to one side, and the only thing being weighed are GOP prospects.
The Counter
- Everybody Loves a Good Optical Illusion: If you thought your “Magic Eye” poster was great, these district lines offer an even better visual conundrum. Stare long enough, and you might see democracy…or a sailboat.
- Think of the Children (Who Love Coloring): The new map presents a fantastic opportunity for children to develop their hand-eye coordination as they try to trace the district lines without accidentally veering into another time zone.
- A Thanksgiving Miracle: Always wanted your Democratic aunt and Republican uncle to finally have something in common? Thanks to these districts, they can now jointly complain that neither of their votes matter!
- Historical Reenactment Enthusiasts Rejoice: Fans of the 1787 Constitutional Convention can revel in a real-time demonstration of what it might’ve felt like to not actually have a say in the political process. Wigs and frock coats not included.
- A New Age of Exploration: With the district map so wildly reinvented, Floridians are encouraged to explore their state afresh. After all, your new congressional district might cover parts of five counties and jump a river twice!
The Hot Take
If gerrymandering were dynamite, Florida would have enough to blow democracy to the moon. So here’s the hot take sizzling hotter than Florida asphalt in July: let’s fix this drawn-out problem with a nice, cool dollop of math and technology—nonpartisan computer algorithms for redistricting. We could call it “The Fair Lines Initiative: Because Humans Can’t Be Trusted.” Ah, a pipe dream, where districts are drawn based on boring old principles like population equality, contiguity, and respect for community boundaries.
Imagine a world where voters choose their politicians, not the other way around. So quaint, so retro, it just might work. It could be the greatest comeback since disco, only this time, let’s hope the beat goes on for good.
Source: Federal court upholds DeSantis-backed congressional map
