Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
In what might be the most shocking twist since we found out that water is wet, the Republican National Committee decided to validate the existence of their spines by firmly stating, “No more free rides” on the Trump Legal Fee Gravy Train. Lara Trump, the daughter-in-law of the man whose name is plastered over more failed businesses than successful ones, has sagely noted that the 2020 election — much like that carton of milk sitting at the back of your fridge — is “in the past.” Welcome to the era where political amnesia isn’t just common, it’s policy.
The Breakdown
- GOP to Trump: “New Phone, Who Dis?” Let’s marvel at the audacity of the Republican Party as they finally decide to stop bankrolling the legal escapades of a man who probably thinks “pro bono” means “for the ice cream.”
- After months of bankrolling lawsuits that had the same success rate as a cat running a dog obedience school, the RNC has unceremoniously dropped the mic and closed their checkbook, leaving Trump as stunned as a man who just learned that Twitter can’t be bought with Monopoly money.
- After months of bankrolling lawsuits that had the same success rate as a cat running a dog obedience school, the RNC has unceremoniously dropped the mic and closed their checkbook, leaving Trump as stunned as a man who just learned that Twitter can’t be bought with Monopoly money.
- Financial Responsibility Strikes Back The force has awakened in the RNC, who after a bender of fiscal irresponsibility that would make a drunken sailor blush, have decided to cut off Mr. Trump.
- Picture the RNC gingerly stepping out of a luxury limo brimming with bills, squinting into the daylight of financial sensibility, and then sprinting back to economic sobriety like their hair’s on fire and their pants are catching up.
- Picture the RNC gingerly stepping out of a luxury limo brimming with bills, squinting into the daylight of financial sensibility, and then sprinting back to economic sobriety like their hair’s on fire and their pants are catching up.
- “Et Tu, RNC?”: The Most Shakespearean Ghosting Since Julius Caesar
- I imagine Trump, a man no stranger to the concept of ‘ghosting’ (ask his creditors), feels betrayed akin to Caesar, but honestly, this is less “Et tu, Brute?” and more “Late tu, mate.”
- I imagine Trump, a man no stranger to the concept of ‘ghosting’ (ask his creditors), feels betrayed akin to Caesar, but honestly, this is less “Et tu, Brute?” and more “Late tu, mate.”
- 2020: A Legal Odyssey Finally Grounded
- Let’s all wave goodbye to the endless space mission to overturn an election that is as over as a Game of Thrones viewing party. Lara’s insight that it’s ‘all in the past’ is more eye-opening than realizing that coffee after 6 PM is a bad idea. Truly revelatory.
- Let’s all wave goodbye to the endless space mission to overturn an election that is as over as a Game of Thrones viewing party. Lara’s insight that it’s ‘all in the past’ is more eye-opening than realizing that coffee after 6 PM is a bad idea. Truly revelatory.
- The Elephant in the Wallet
- There’s an old saying: “The elephant never forgets.” But in this case, the GOP elephant conveniently forgot to keep paying for Trump’s legacy lawsuits faster than you can say “tax audit.”
- There’s an old saying: “The elephant never forgets.” But in this case, the GOP elephant conveniently forgot to keep paying for Trump’s legacy lawsuits faster than you can say “tax audit.”
The Counter
- “Charity Begins at Home… Just Not That Home” They say charity begins at home, but someone should tell the RNC that this doesn’t apply when the home is Mar-a-Lago and lawn maintenance fees aren’t considered “charitable donations.”
- In a stunning pivot, the RNC decides that maybe those dollars are better spent on things like… I don’t know, actual political campaigns?
- In a stunning pivot, the RNC decides that maybe those dollars are better spent on things like… I don’t know, actual political campaigns?
- “The Art of the Deal Gone Sour” Remember when Trump taught us how to negotiate our way to success? Well, the RNC sure does – they even used his book as kindling to set fire to the bridge they just burned.
- It seems the only art here was the GOP’s ability to artfully dodge the financial sinkhole masquerading as legal strategy.
- It seems the only art here was the GOP’s ability to artfully dodge the financial sinkhole masquerading as legal strategy.
- “Trump’s Coattails Enter Witness Protection” Once prized for their gilded excess, the coattails that many RNC members rode to office on now seem as appealing as last week’s sushi.
- The RNC’s new wardrobe consists of fiscal conservatism, with matching accessories of accountability and donor appeasement.
- The RNC’s new wardrobe consists of fiscal conservatism, with matching accessories of accountability and donor appeasement.
- “An Elephant Can Forget, After All!” And here we learn that, against all sayings to the contrary, elephants may occasionally suffer from selective amnesia.
- The Republican Party’s memory lapse regarding their financial dedication to Trump’s cause is as convenient as a vegan at a steakhouse suddenly remembering they’re gluten intolerant.
- The Republican Party’s memory lapse regarding their financial dedication to Trump’s cause is as convenient as a vegan at a steakhouse suddenly remembering they’re gluten intolerant.
- “A Penny Saved is a Trump Lawyer Not Paid” In the world of GOP finance, a penny saved is a penny that doesn’t go towards Trump’s latest “It’s not a scam” campaign.
- It appears the RNC has discovered the joys of fiscal conservatism, like Scrooge on Christmas morning after the ghosts visit.
- It appears the RNC has discovered the joys of fiscal conservatism, like Scrooge on Christmas morning after the ghosts visit.
The Hot Take
The time has come to embrace the hilarious reality of a party suddenly infatuated with the idea of a balanced checkbook. If the liberal playbook were to be followed, here’s a spicy take: let’s fund education, infrastructure, and healthcare instead of Dead-End Legal Jamboree 2024. Investing in something with a return sounds wild, right? Perhaps it’s time to introduce the concept of legacy beyond courtrooms and Twitter rants.
Could it be that careful spending and logical allocation of funds might just be the crazy glue to put back together all those broken bridges? The plot thickens as the GOP stumbles upon a novel idea: acting like actual stewards of the public trust, rather than sugar daddies to lawsuits so frivolous they make reality TV look like “Masterpiece Theater.”
