Morning Voters Do It Better: RNC Sends Alarm Clocks With Slogan “Rise, Shine, and Vote, Twice if You Have to.”

Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

Source: The RNC wants Republicans to embrace early voting. Trump’s rhetoric makes it tough

The Details

Oh boy, it looks like the Republican National Committee (RNC) just got themselves a shiny new headache. What’s the pain in their Grand Old Party noggin, you ask? Well, my eager beavers, it’s the same thing that causes headaches for anyone trying to plan a party that NOBODY wants to come to early – early voting. The RNC is bending over backward, pleading, cajoling, and maybe even doing a little interpretive dance to get Republicans to embrace early voting. But there’s a big, orange elephant in the room that’s making it tough: Mister Trump and his unfounded, yet oddly persistent, claims about election fraud. So, let’s put our hip waders on and trudge through the muck in this ever-twisting tale of how an entire party wants to change course without upsetting their captain, who’s steering directly into a Twitterstorm.

The Breakdown

1. “Embrace Early Voting,” Whispers the RNC Softly…
   • The RNC is like a caring yet desperate ex whispering sweet nothings into the wind, hoping Republicans take a hint and start the party early. It’s like showing up at the bar at 5 pm—you know, to beat the rush and the inevitable drama that follows midnight.
2. Trump’s Rhetorical Romance with Election Fraud
   • Meanwhile, Trump is that one friend who thinks every club is haunted by the ghosts of elections past, leading his followers in a tango of suspicion that culminates with no one wanting to RSVP ‘yes’ to the pre-election bash.
3. The Tango of Trying to Woo Back Logic
   • The GOP officials are playing relationship counselors, trying to rekindle the romance between Republican voters and rational thought. It’s like sending chocolates to someone who thinks you’re constantly cheating at Monopoly.
4. Whispers Turn to Yells Behind the Ballot Curtain
   • In the secrecy of the ballot box, will those sweet somethings become persuasive? Or are voters gonna stick with the ‘Trump Stance’ — arms crossed, brow furrowed, a look that says, “I’ve seen what you do behind those curtains!”
5. The Spectre of Turnout Terror
   • The bigwigs at the RNC seem terrified that if their party doesn’t get cozy with early voting, they’ll end up like that one lazy team member who contributes nothing and then wonders why they lost the group project.

The Counter

1. “Early Voting is for Early Birds, and Birds Are Government Spies,” Scream Conspiracy Theorists
   • Can’t embrace something that’s obviously part of a covert operation to make everyone a morning person and thus more susceptible to governmental mind control, right? Watch out for those pigeons!
2. Fraud Tales More Entertaining Than Netflix
   • Who needs fiction when you have concocted narratives of election fraud that would give Stephen King a run for his money? Stick to the story; it’s what keeps the voters on their toes (and the popcorn industry alive).
3. Monopoly Cheating as an Election Metaphor
   • Sure, let’s all assume that early voting is the equivalent of sneaking a few extra hundred from the bank. Because, why not live in constant fear of the banker’s sleight of hand?
4. The Trusty Ballot Curtain: America’s Next Top Model
   • Ah, the underlying fear that if you vote early, your curtain might betray you, transforming into a runway where every lost vote struts its stuff post-election. Smize with your vote!
5. Who Wants to Win Anyway?
   • Let’s not forget the sweet, sweet glory of self-sabotage. Why win an election when you can bask in the warmth of martyrdom, am I right?

The Hot Take

Listen up, my little democratically-disillusioned ducklings, because The Magnificent Lewis Black is here with a hot take straight from the liberal crockpot. If the RNC wants to resolve this ghastly conundrum, they might want to consider a simple fix: Hold a séance to banish the specter of election fraud once and for all. I mean, who wouldn’t attend that party? We’d have chants, candles — a veritable voter’s renaissance fair!

After everyone has emotionally and spiritually connected with the spirit of democracy, they’ll skip to the polls so early it would make breakfast seem like a midnight snack. And let’s throw in an election-themed episode of “Queer Eye” — because if anything can turn an early voting skeptic into an early polling enthusiast, it’s five fabulous fellows with an eye for systemic change. The problem isn’t early voting, my friends; it’s the failure to pair it with a prime-time special. As the saying goes, give the people bread and circuses — or in this case, ballots and brunch.