Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In the mesmerizing circus of political maneuverings, the Grand Old Party has once again managed to shock the proletariat – and when I say ‘shock’, I mean about as much as discovering that water is wet. This time, they’ve concocted what they call a ‘plan for US workers’.
To call it a delightful read would be to call arsenic a viable substitute for sugar. According to a little birdie named The Republican plan for US workers, love and compassion for the working class ooze out of their proposal like lava from a politically indifferent volcano.
The Breakdown
- Bullet Train to Benefit Bypass
- How quaint! The GOP has lovingly laid out tracks that steer clean away from any worker benefits. Commuting to work without healthcare or decent wages is the thrill of a lifetime! Who needs rollercoasters when you can have the adrenaline rush of living paycheck to paycheck?
- How quaint! The GOP has lovingly laid out tracks that steer clean away from any worker benefits. Commuting to work without healthcare or decent wages is the thrill of a lifetime! Who needs rollercoasters when you can have the adrenaline rush of living paycheck to paycheck?
- 401(k)isses Goodbye
- Retirement plans are being waved off like a rich uncle dodging a family reunion. The party that’s all for family values has decided that your golden years are best spent rediscovering the joys of work. Time to redefine ‘retirement’ as that mythical garden where the money trees bloom!
- Retirement plans are being waved off like a rich uncle dodging a family reunion. The party that’s all for family values has decided that your golden years are best spent rediscovering the joys of work. Time to redefine ‘retirement’ as that mythical garden where the money trees bloom!
- Minimum Wage Magic Trick
- Watch closely as the number remains the same, no matter how much you shake the hat! The GOP seems to believe that the minimum wage is a tad too lavish, and why touch that when we can live off the eternal satisfaction of being employed!
- Watch closely as the number remains the same, no matter how much you shake the hat! The GOP seems to believe that the minimum wage is a tad too lavish, and why touch that when we can live off the eternal satisfaction of being employed!
- Union Unicorns
- If you believe strong unions are part of a fair work environment, you might as well believe in unicorns too. Unfettered corporate power with no checks seems to be the flavor of the epoch. Who needs collective bargaining when you can have collective begging!
- If you believe strong unions are part of a fair work environment, you might as well believe in unicorns too. Unfettered corporate power with no checks seems to be the flavor of the epoch. Who needs collective bargaining when you can have collective begging!
- Educational Gauntlet
The Counter
- Return to Feudalism
- Ah yes, bring back the days of lords and serfs. Why complicate things with ‘rights’? Next up, they’ll be giving us stylish burlap sacks to wear – Chanel’s new peasant line!
- Ah yes, bring back the days of lords and serfs. Why complicate things with ‘rights’? Next up, they’ll be giving us stylish burlap sacks to wear – Chanel’s new peasant line!
- Work Till You Drop, Literally
- Reminiscent of the times when age was but a number you etched on your workbench, just before you keeled over. Senior discounts at the local diner can wait; there’s work to be done!
- Reminiscent of the times when age was but a number you etched on your workbench, just before you keeled over. Senior discounts at the local diner can wait; there’s work to be done!
- A ‘Living’ Wage? So Last Century!
- Imagine! Paying people enough to live on their earnings! Cute idea but let’s not and say we did. Instead, let’s invest in another statue commemorating the Invisible Hand of the Market.
- Imagine! Paying people enough to live on their earnings! Cute idea but let’s not and say we did. Instead, let’s invest in another statue commemorating the Invisible Hand of the Market.
- Autocratic Corporate Utopia
- Workers’ rights are such a drag on company yachts. The dream is a workplace where the word ‘union’ only refers to a really neat carpentry joint.
- Workers’ rights are such a drag on company yachts. The dream is a workplace where the word ‘union’ only refers to a really neat carpentry joint.
- Dumbed-Down & Proud
- If you can’t spell ‘exploitation’, it can’t hurt you, right? Big words are for the elite, so let’s stick to the essentials like ‘profit’ and ‘pliable’.
- If you can’t spell ‘exploitation’, it can’t hurt you, right? Big words are for the elite, so let’s stick to the essentials like ‘profit’ and ‘pliable’.
The Hot Take
To fix this calamity masquerading as legislation, one might suggest a radical, earth-shattering concept: how about considering the workers? No, no, sit down, I assure you fainting is unnecessary. We could start with a living wage, healthcare, and a side of dignified retirement.
Toss in education that prepares humans to be more than just cogs in a gloriously greasy capitalist machine. And while we’re in this fantasy, let’s sprinkle in a bit of union power – you know, for that subtle hint of democracy in the workplace.
I’d say with a liberal wrench, a couple of turns to the left, and the audacity to imagine workers as more than expendable drones, there’s a slim chance we might just make it out of the dark ages. Imagine that, policies that actually polish the rust off the phrase ‘American dream’ rather than turning it into a rust-belted nightmare.
