Money Talks, Democracy Walks: The Leonardo ‘No-See’ Cash Capade

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

The Details

Imagine, if you will, a world where money doesn’t just talk, it practically does stand-up. We’re diving deep into the pockets—deep, deep down—where the lint of democracy clings to every coin. Leonard Leo, a maestro in the art of dark money serenades, has been conducting a symphony of anonymous donations that could make Beethoven roll over in his grave. This virtuoso of the veil has been quietly orchestrating the rise and rise of conservative juggernauts, placing bets like a high-roller at a Vegas strip of judicial appointments. So, pull up a chair and take notes, because this is one magic show where the rabbit pulling itself out of the hat might just end up on the Supreme Court bench.

The Breakdown

1. The Invisible Hand Fundraiser: Leo has been shaking the dark money tree so hard, you’d think it was an apple tree and he was making a pie for the entire country. Except, of course, half the country is allergic to apples.
   • Specificially, this financial Houdini has mastered the art of making millions disappear into the coffers of causes that would make a constitutional originalist swoon. It’s like reverse Robin Hood – take from the anonymous and give to the conservative.
2. Supreme Influence Shopping: Supreme Court justices are like baseball cards, and Leo’s apparently aiming for the full set. With a stacked bench, you can almost hear the ’70s game show theme tune playing as the gavel comes down.
   • By channeling funds and influence, he’s not just in the peanut gallery, he’s throwing peanuts to the elephants, ensuring the court swings like a pendulum to the right, but more of a grandfather clock than a playground swing.
3. Non-Profit Profiteering: Who knew non-profits could be so profitable? Clearly, Leo did. He’s been navigating these charitable waters with the skill of a pirate, minus the eye patch but certainly with a treasure map.
   • The article highlights how these non-profits are like Matryoshka dolls, each one opening up to reveal another, and another. It’s hard to keep track, but luckily, they’re all registered under ‘Blatantly Conservative Causes R Us.’
4. Puppet-Master Certitudes: Leo’s the guy pulling strings like he’s auditioning for a spot in a marionette troupe. With each tug, a justice here, a policy there, gets a jerk in the ‘right’ direction.
   • He makes sure his ideological kindred are well-positioned, firmly ensconced in their seats of power. It’s like Oprah’s Favorite Things: “You get a judgeship! And you get a judgeship!”
5. The Political Alchemist: Leonard Leo is seemingly turning political lead into gold, and folks, that’s not just a metaphor for his hair color.
   • The sheer alchemy here is nothing short of a Hogwarts specialty—except here, instead of a wand, it’s wads of cash that are the magic sticks.

The Counter

1. Benevolent Benefactor or Dark Lord?: It’s as if we’re all in an episode of “Undercover Boss” where the boss is always wearing a hoodie and sunglasses. You know, just philanthropy things.
   • But, hey, nothing to see here, folks. It’s just good, old-fashioned, American ‘free speech’ via the almighty dollar, and who doesn’t like free things, right?
2. Legally Blonde Ambition: It’s like Elle Woods went to the dark side, combining law with a dash of invisibility cloak. It’s less “what, like it’s hard?” and more “what, like it’s dark?”
   • Remember, as long as you have a mission and truckloads of cash, the courts can be your very own “Legally Grey” sequel.
3. Transparent Transparency: These non-profits might as well be called “clear as mud.” They promise transparency but deliver an opaque fog thicker than pea soup during a London winter.
   • If clarity’s what you’re after, you might want to try polishing these transparency claims with a bit of window cleaner. Or a jackhammer.
4. Judiciary Jamboree: Critics say it’s like a conservative Coachella, but with more robes and fewer flower crowns. Well, who doesn’t love a good festival where the headliners never leave the stage?
   • This isn’t so much “court packing” as it is “court party-planning.” And you’re not invited unless you have an invitation written in Benjamin Franklins.
5. Fiscal Sorcery: Amassing wealth and influence in this way requires levels of financial wizardry that would make even Gringotts goblins blink.
   • This isn’t just pulling a rabbit out of a hat—it’s pulling out a whole darned circus, complete with elephants standing on conservative principles like they’re balancing balls.

The Hot Take

In my expert, totally humble comedic opinion, the solution here is as obvious as the toupee at a windy inauguration. Let’s turn this shadowy cash cabal into the most lit, transparent glass house on the block.

How about a live stream of every dollar donated, complete with donor shoutouts by Morgan Freeman’s voice? Or maybe, just maybe, we put an end to this dark age of dark money with campaign finance laws that have more teeth than a Great White after a dentist’s appointment.

And if all that fails, there’s always the old-fashioned way: a good ol’ fashioned roast hosted by yours truly, because sometimes the best way to shed light is to fire up the grill and get those donations charred to a crisp with satire.

Source: GOP Puppetmaster Expands His Dark Money Operation