Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
So, it seems the powers that be over in Arizona have found yet another creative way to plant their flag on the contentious mountaintop of women’s reproductive rights. A recent ruling in the desert state has, quite spectacularly, rolled back rights to pre-man landing on the moon vibes. That’s right folks, if you thought you were living in 2024, Arizona’s here to give you that sweet taste of the 1900s, and not in a cool, vintage way.
The Breakdown
- Back to the Future is Not Actually a Documentary: It seems Arizona decided that time-travel wasn’t just for Marty McFly and took a judicial DeLorean back to 1864. Apparently, that year had the perfect puritanical flavor to impose on modern wombs.
- The Specifics: In an impressive demonstration of jurisprudence judo, Arizona took a Civil War-era law and brought it to the forefront, effectively saying, “Hey, who needs advancements in human rights made over the last century and a half?”
- The Specifics: In an impressive demonstration of jurisprudence judo, Arizona took a Civil War-era law and brought it to the forefront, effectively saying, “Hey, who needs advancements in human rights made over the last century and a half?”
- Groundhog Year: Ever wished you could live the same year over and over? Well, babies born this year in Arizona will get to experience rights their great-great-great-grandmothers did. Progress?
- The Specifics: The ruling party’s strategic game of “let’s pretend the last few amendments and Supreme Court rulings don’t exist” means Arizona now treats body autonomy like it’s a suggestion rather than a right.
- The Specifics: The ruling party’s strategic game of “let’s pretend the last few amendments and Supreme Court rulings don’t exist” means Arizona now treats body autonomy like it’s a suggestion rather than a right.
- One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap Backward for Womankind: Buzz Aldrin might have spacewalked on the moon, but in Arizona, women are moonwalking back to a time their opinions and rights took a backseat to, well, just about everything.
- The Specifics: The implication of this is that, despite decades of battling for agency, women in Arizona are witnessing the unwinding of the very fabric of their autonomy faster than the Apollo 11 unwound from Earth.
- The Specifics: The implication of this is that, despite decades of battling for agency, women in Arizona are witnessing the unwinding of the very fabric of their autonomy faster than the Apollo 11 unwound from Earth.
- Doctor Who? More Like Doctor Won’t: Arizona doctors now have to dust off their 19th-century medical textbooks, because it’s looking like they won’t be practicing modern medicine when it comes to reproductive rights.
- The Specifics: With a law that carries the musty scent of mothballs and repression, healthcare providers are left wondering whether their duty is to their patient or to an outdated statute that somehow zombied its way into the 21st century.
- The Specifics: With a law that carries the musty scent of mothballs and repression, healthcare providers are left wondering whether their duty is to their patient or to an outdated statute that somehow zombied its way into the 21st century.
- Jurassic Park Isn’t a Blueprint: Just because you can resurrect something, doesn’t mean you should. But lo and behold, Arizona’s taken inspiration from ill-fated theme parks, bringing back laws long thought extinct.
- The Specifics: The resurrection isn’t a tyrannosaurus but an equally terrifying pre-statehood law that’s giving women’s rights a raw deal, and no, there’s no Jeff Goldblum to charmingly warn them of the consequences.
- The Specifics: The resurrection isn’t a tyrannosaurus but an equally terrifying pre-statehood law that’s giving women’s rights a raw deal, and no, there’s no Jeff Goldblum to charmingly warn them of the consequences.
The Counter
- Dust Busters Are So Last Century: It’s high time that we keep the dust on those ancient laws and maybe infuse some of this legal enthusiasm into, I don’t know, renewable energy or something?
- The Specifics: Instead of polishing ancient laws, how about we polish our approach to current issues that don’t involve turning back the clock?
- The Specifics: Instead of polishing ancient laws, how about we polish our approach to current issues that don’t involve turning back the clock?
- Time Travel Is Overrated: Sure, H.G. Wells had a good run with the concept, but in practice, time travel sucks. Especially when it’s used as a legislative technique.
- The Specifics: Maybe focus on futuristic concepts like equality and medical privacy instead of strapping on the judicial time-travel harness.
- The Specifics: Maybe focus on futuristic concepts like equality and medical privacy instead of strapping on the judicial time-travel harness.
- Doctor Yes: Medical professionals should possibly get a say in how to do their jobs without consulting a Ouija board for 19th-century doctors’ advice.
- The Specifics: Perhaps the law should step aside and let actual physicians dictate modern medical practices?
- The Specifics: Perhaps the law should step aside and let actual physicians dictate modern medical practices?
- Jurassic Rights: Look, if we’re not cloning velociraptors, let’s not clone antiquated laws either. Some things are better left extinct.
- The Specifics: Rather than bring old laws to life, maybe focus on creating laws that protect and empower all citizens in the present?
- The Specifics: Rather than bring old laws to life, maybe focus on creating laws that protect and empower all citizens in the present?
- Moon Landing Was Real, and So Is Progress: Let’s recognize that the Apollo missions happened and so did women’s liberation. Denying one is just as ludicrous as denying the other.
- The Specifics: By affirming rights and progress, we acknowledge both human achievements and human dignity — isn’t that a concept worth upholding?
- The Specifics: By affirming rights and progress, we acknowledge both human achievements and human dignity — isn’t that a concept worth upholding?
The Hot Take
In short, if we really want to fix these problems, how about we stop using dusty old laws as pacifiers for those in power who get squeamish at the thought of a modern, equitable society? Instead, let’s aim for laws that recognize that women are fully capable of making decisions about their own bodies. Revolutionary, I know. But hey, I’m just spitballing here — maybe, just maybe, treating women like actual people with rights isn’t a bad place to start?
And while we’re at it, let’s make sure the only things we’re preserving from the 1800s are antique furniture and classic literature, not something as crucial as individual freedoms. It’s not just a hot take; it’s common sense with a side of sarcasm, served fresh out of the oven of progress.
