Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In an absolutely shocking turn of events that no one could have predicted, some January 6th insurrectionists are on the brink of a get-out-of-jail-free card, courtesy of the ticking time bomb we call the statute of limitations.
That’s right, folks. While time’s relentless march is known to heal wounds, apparently, it’s also particularly adept at erasing misdemeanors. Especially those that involve a tad bit of sedition and Capitol-play. Now, before you start wondering whether your watch is somehow complicit in this travesty, let me charitably offer an in-depth overview of this spectacular phenomenon.
The Breakdown
- Time’s Up
- Who knew that a mere lapse in time could be the best lawyer money can’t buy? As some insurrectionists play hide and seek with the law, the clock smirks, knowing that its mere existence might just be their saving grace. It appears that Father Time also moonlights as an escape artist.
- Who knew that a mere lapse in time could be the best lawyer money can’t buy? As some insurrectionists play hide and seek with the law, the clock smirks, knowing that its mere existence might just be their saving grace. It appears that Father Time also moonlights as an escape artist.
- Red Tape Tango
- How deliciously ironic that the very system supposedly upholding justice is tangled in…more tape than a hoarder’s Christmas gift stash. It turns out that bureaucracy moves at the speed of a sloth on sedatives when it comes to prosecuting a mass of rioters. Who would have guessed?
- How deliciously ironic that the very system supposedly upholding justice is tangled in…more tape than a hoarder’s Christmas gift stash. It turns out that bureaucracy moves at the speed of a sloth on sedatives when it comes to prosecuting a mass of rioters. Who would have guessed?
- Jailhouse Rock… or Not
- Some of our brave trespassers might never get to experience the joy of government-sponsored accommodation. With the statute approaching faster than a hippo in a ballet, many could dodge their rightfully earned stint behind bars – and that’s without mastering any of the choreography.
- Some of our brave trespassers might never get to experience the joy of government-sponsored accommodation. With the statute approaching faster than a hippo in a ballet, many could dodge their rightfully earned stint behind bars – and that’s without mastering any of the choreography.
- Series-Unfortunate Events
- Here’s a plot twist straight out of a Lemony Snicket book: there might be insufficient evidence to convict everyone. Who knew that in a plethora of chaos, gathering airtight evidence was as hard as finding a sane argument in a conspiracy theorist convention?
- Here’s a plot twist straight out of a Lemony Snicket book: there might be insufficient evidence to convict everyone. Who knew that in a plethora of chaos, gathering airtight evidence was as hard as finding a sane argument in a conspiracy theorist convention?
- Priority Ordeal
- Step right up to witness the grand prioritization circus! With limited resources and big fish to fry, it seems like only the most photogenic insurrectionists will face the music. The rest might just get a participation trophy for effort.
- Step right up to witness the grand prioritization circus! With limited resources and big fish to fry, it seems like only the most photogenic insurrectionists will face the music. The rest might just get a participation trophy for effort.
The Counter
- Ancient History
- As we all know, anything that happened last year is practically ancient history. I mean, we’ve got memes to chuckle at and TikTok dances to learn. Who has time to reflect on yesterday’s insurrection when there are viral challenges to attempt?
- As we all know, anything that happened last year is practically ancient history. I mean, we’ve got memes to chuckle at and TikTok dances to learn. Who has time to reflect on yesterday’s insurrection when there are viral challenges to attempt?
- Plea Deals on Aisle Six
- Plea deals are like those bulk-buy discounts at the supermarket; if you’re lucky, you too can grab one before they’re off the shelves. It’s like a Black Friday sale for the slightly treasonous.
- Plea deals are like those bulk-buy discounts at the supermarket; if you’re lucky, you too can grab one before they’re off the shelves. It’s like a Black Friday sale for the slightly treasonous.
- Overcrowded Calendar
- The court’s calendar is so jam-packed; it makes a socialite’s diary look empty. Maybe we should start booking insurrection trials like dentist appointments – two years in advance ought to do it.
- The court’s calendar is so jam-packed; it makes a socialite’s diary look empty. Maybe we should start booking insurrection trials like dentist appointments – two years in advance ought to do it.
- Vintage Crime
- If we wait long enough, January 6th will become a vintage crime, complete with sepia tones and a nostalgic feeling for the ‘good ole days’ when mobs didn’t don selfie sticks and Viking helmets.
- If we wait long enough, January 6th will become a vintage crime, complete with sepia tones and a nostalgic feeling for the ‘good ole days’ when mobs didn’t don selfie sticks and Viking helmets.
- Freedom-Loving Folks
- And let’s not forget that some of these insurrection enthusiasts are just freedom-loving folks who momentarily forgot which building to tour. Who amongst us hasn’t accidentally attempted to overthrow a democratic process?
- And let’s not forget that some of these insurrection enthusiasts are just freedom-loving folks who momentarily forgot which building to tour. Who amongst us hasn’t accidentally attempted to overthrow a democratic process?
The Hot Take
Ladies and gentlemen, if your brain hasn’t already imploded from the Kafkaesque circus act we’ve just detailed, let me lob in my hot take. It’s simple, really: we’re going to need a bigger boat. Or, in this case, a faster judicial system.
A clock that doesn’t work against us, and a dash of common sense sprinkled across the land. My fix involves turbo-charged trials, evidence gatherings that would put Sherlock to shame, and a serving of patriotic responsibility that doesn’t expire faster than a carton of milk. And if all else fails, maybe we just hand out pocket constitutions – you know, as party favors.
Source: TIME LIMIT: How some January 6th insurrectionists might get away without punishment
