Estimated reading time: 3 minutes
In the grand tradition of international “don’t-you-dare-do-it” parenting, President Biden has leaned into the phone and whispered sweet nothings of discouragement into Netanyahu’s ear. He has diplomatically asked Israel to keep its toys to itself and not to throw them at Iran. Now, of course, this communication has been made through various diplomatic backchannels—because nothing says “not urgent” like the potential escalation of violence in the Middle East.
The Breakdown
- Daddy Biden’s Bedtime Story: “Once upon a time, there was a quiet little region known as the Middle East…”
- And in this mystical land, the good ol’ USA issues gentle reminders that retaliation is a no-go. Emoji hearts were probably exchanged. Everyone feels better now, right?
- And in this mystical land, the good ol’ USA issues gentle reminders that retaliation is a no-go. Emoji hearts were probably exchanged. Everyone feels better now, right?
- You got a friend in me—not so fast, buddy: Iran is like the friend who keeps knocking over the punch bowl.
- Each time, the U.S. is like, ‘No, no, it’s fine. We’ll just clean it up and pretend it didn’t happen, but please, not again.’ It’s not a Disney movie; it’s foreign policy with Pixar-level emotional suppression.
- Each time, the U.S. is like, ‘No, no, it’s fine. We’ll just clean it up and pretend it didn’t happen, but please, not again.’ It’s not a Disney movie; it’s foreign policy with Pixar-level emotional suppression.
- The Art of Subtle Pressure: “Hey, friendly ally, don’t make things awkward.”
- It’s like telling your buddy not to confront the neighbor about the ugly fence while both of you are literally holding paint and brushes.
- It’s like telling your buddy not to confront the neighbor about the ugly fence while both of you are literally holding paint and brushes.
- The Disproportionate Response: “If they bring a knife, you bring… a sternly worded letter?”
- Our foreign policy seems less Teddy Roosevelt and more Mr. Rogers. Can’t we at least upgrade to some Bob Ross-style “happy little sanctions”?
- Our foreign policy seems less Teddy Roosevelt and more Mr. Rogers. Can’t we at least upgrade to some Bob Ross-style “happy little sanctions”?
- The Promise of Peace: Like that time you promised yourself you’d join the gym.
- You talk a big talk, pose for some photos outside the fitness center, but then you’re found sneaking Twinkies in the back of a ‘Netflix and chill’ session come January 2nd.
- You talk a big talk, pose for some photos outside the fitness center, but then you’re found sneaking Twinkies in the back of a ‘Netflix and chill’ session come January 2nd.
The Counter
- It’s Just a Playground Scuffle: “Kids will be kids, even in the desert.”
- If you overlook the potential for a catastrophic war, it’s pretty much just a sandbox tiff over who has the best plastic shovel.
- If you overlook the potential for a catastrophic war, it’s pretty much just a sandbox tiff over who has the best plastic shovel.
- Words are Mightier than Nukes: “Just talk it out, guys.”
- Put them in a room with Dr. Phil for an afternoon, and everything will surely settle down with group hugs.
- Put them in a room with Dr. Phil for an afternoon, and everything will surely settle down with group hugs.
- “If you can’t say something nice…” –The Thumper Rule:
- Seems like we’re applying a Disney rabbit’s life advice on an international stage. My heart warms, and then reality kicks in.
- Seems like we’re applying a Disney rabbit’s life advice on an international stage. My heart warms, and then reality kicks in.
- Who Needs Action When You Have Condemnations?: “This paper holds weight.”
- Why retaliate when you can draft yet another resolution that’ll sit nicely and gather dust atop the others? It’s about the decoration.
- Why retaliate when you can draft yet another resolution that’ll sit nicely and gather dust atop the others? It’s about the decoration.
- The Olive Branch: Or was it just a kale twig from someone’s overpriced green smoothie?
- Peace offerings nowadays seem to include a hearty serving of ‘please don’t,’ a sprinkle of good intentions, and a side of helplessness.
- Peace offerings nowadays seem to include a hearty serving of ‘please don’t,’ a sprinkle of good intentions, and a side of helplessness.
The Hot Take:
Well, here’s the “nuke” I propose: bomb them with humor! Send over comedy troops instead of troops. If there’s one thing we know, it’s that laughter can be the best medicine—or at least the best distraction while someone sorts out the real stuff. And in the meantime, we continue with the tradition of strong words, hearty eye-rolls, and the liberal embrace of renewable energy—because, let’s face it, we need to save all the oil for our fries.
Source: Biden tells Netanyahu Israel should not retaliate against Iran
