Estimated reading time: 3 minutes
In the ever-expanding circus that is American politics, we’ve stumbled upon the latest sideshow. It appears that major news outlets have taken a break from their 24-hour ‘Breaking News’ cycle of cat-in-a-tree level emergencies to kindly request—nay, beseech—presidential candidates to commit to televised debates.
They might as well have asked for a unicorn ride to work. But let’s indulge this flight of fancy and dive headfirst into why this plea for clarity in the murky waters of politics is about as effective as a screen door on a submarine.
The Breakdown
- Daring to Dream of Coherent Sound Bites
- Imagine a world where candidates are challenged on the spot and can’t simply tap-dance around issues. I mean, it’s not enough for them to make promises they can’t keep; we want them to break them live on-air!
- Imagine a world where candidates are challenged on the spot and can’t simply tap-dance around issues. I mean, it’s not enough for them to make promises they can’t keep; we want them to break them live on-air!
- The Televised Debate: Democracy’s Reality Show
- Let’s face it, debates are less about policy and more about who’s got the best zingers and can avoid choking on their spit. Audience members are just waiting for someone to yell ‘You ARE the father!’
- Let’s face it, debates are less about policy and more about who’s got the best zingers and can avoid choking on their spit. Audience members are just waiting for someone to yell ‘You ARE the father!’
- The Reluctance Tango
- Candidates are as eager to jump into a full-scale debate as a cat is to take a joyride in a bathtub. Avoidance is the name of the game, and these folks play to win.
- Candidates are as eager to jump into a full-scale debate as a cat is to take a joyride in a bathtub. Avoidance is the name of the game, and these folks play to win.
- The Outlets’ Sudden Epiphany on Transparency
- Ah, the sudden moral pivot by news networks who’ve just realized that transparency may actually be important in politics. This is akin to Captain Hook suddenly advocating for the safe handling of sharp objects.
- Ah, the sudden moral pivot by news networks who’ve just realized that transparency may actually be important in politics. This is akin to Captain Hook suddenly advocating for the safe handling of sharp objects.
- Fact-Checking or Bust
- The proposition involves real-time fact-checking, which is about as common in politics as a politician who doesn’t inflate their resume. But hey, let’s shoot for the moon and catch a falling star!
- The proposition involves real-time fact-checking, which is about as common in politics as a politician who doesn’t inflate their resume. But hey, let’s shoot for the moon and catch a falling star!
The Counter
- The Un-Televised Debate: Who Needs It?
- Why bother with debates? Politicians’ tweets, gaffes, and late-night show appearances already paint an HD picture of their capabilities. Plus, tweets can be deleted, but the internet forgets nothing.
- Why bother with debates? Politicians’ tweets, gaffes, and late-night show appearances already paint an HD picture of their capabilities. Plus, tweets can be deleted, but the internet forgets nothing.
- Sound Bites and Fury
- Candidates fear being taken out of context in debates—but when has context ever mattered in post-debate coverage? A slip-up becomes a campaign collapse overnight.
- Candidates fear being taken out of context in debates—but when has context ever mattered in post-debate coverage? A slip-up becomes a campaign collapse overnight.
- The Puppet Master’s Lament
- News outlets are crying foul over uncommitted candidates, but will they be as impartial as a mother-in-law at a wedding? Candidates may sense a trap more ornate than the ones in ‘Home Alone’.
- News outlets are crying foul over uncommitted candidates, but will they be as impartial as a mother-in-law at a wedding? Candidates may sense a trap more ornate than the ones in ‘Home Alone’.
- The Choreography of Empty Promises
- With carefully scripted PR stunts and evasive maneuvers, candidates can turn any issue into a mirage. Who needs debates when mirages look so much like real solutions?
- With carefully scripted PR stunts and evasive maneuvers, candidates can turn any issue into a mirage. Who needs debates when mirages look so much like real solutions?
- Tailored for Ratings, Not Reality
The Hot Take
In closing, this whole debacle is like an all-you-can-eat buffet that promises world cuisine and delivers day-old bread and ketchup packets. If we want to sweeten the pot and get these presidential hopefuls to commit to a televised tango, perhaps we need to revise the format.
I suggest a battle-royale-style debate with paintball guns for fact-checking enforcement, a live polygraph, and a studio audience wielding eggs for particularly egregious policy pitches. Because in the great echo chamber of political broadcasting, nothing says “I’m here for the people” like dodging eggshells. We might not get the meaningful discourse we crave, but at least we’d have one heck of a show.
Source: ‘No Substitute’: Major News Outlets Ask Candidates To Commit To Televised Presidential Debate
