Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
The Details
In a move that’s as surprising as finding out water is wet, the former President is turning the quest for his running mate into what can only be described as a dystopian reality show. Yes, friends, we’ve tuned in once again to witness the spectacle that is American politics at its finest. As if waiting for a rose ceremony on The Bachelor, the political world is poised to see who will get that final metaphorical rose from Trump at this year’s CPAC circus. Apparently, potential VPs are lining up for their chance to bask in the golden glow of the man who famously doesn’t believe in exercise because the body has a finite amount of energy. Let’s frolic through this field of possibilities together, shall we?
The Breakdown
- Where’s The Talent Scout?
Forget about policies and governance; it’s all about casting! Let’s be real, the ideal VP candidate is someone with the gravitas of a potted plant – present but not so lively they’ll steal the show. It’s important, however, they remain steadfast through a storm… or at least a tweet storm. - CPAC as the Audition Stage
The Conservative Political Action Conference or, as I like to call it, the ‘Conservative Pageant of Ambition and Confusion’ (CPAC), serves as the perfect audition hall. As if political careers depended on hitting high notes rather than high favorability ratings. - The Veepstakes Wheel of (Mis)Fortune
Candidates must be feeling like they’re on a game show; only instead of spinning for cash or prizes, they’re spinning for the chance to be a heartbeat away from the presidency. Let’s just hope it’s not rigged like those carnival games no one ever seems to win. - Debating Skills or Dueling Banjos?
Should prospective VPs focus on honing their debate skills or just practice their duelling banjos? After all, it’s not about policy debates anymore, it’s about who can pluck those political strings the fastest and get the crowd hooting and hollering. - Survival of the Flatterest
In Trump’s veep show, it’s not the survival of the fittest; it’s the survival of the flatterest. Anyone with a PhD in Adulation Studies has a distinct advantage here. The go-to strategy? Compliment until you’re vice president or pass out from exhaustion, whichever comes first.
The Counter
- Haven’t Been Offered a Rose Yet?
If you’re a conservative politico and have not yet been courted for VP, maybe you’re just not playing hard to get. Try being a bit more elusive; refuse to give a straight answer, evade policy questions, and definitely don’t show up to any hearings. - It’s All About That Base… No Trouble
Candidates, remember it’s all about pandering to the base, the lovely folks who think compromised elections are created by 5G towers. Just avoid big words or complete sentences, and you’re golden. - Do You Even Meme, Bro?
To all the aspiring VPs out there: if you can’t meme, you’re not part of the team. Your ability to throw shade and tweet dank memes is as crucial as your foreign policy experience – scratch that, it’s more important. - Is Your Wardrobe Ready?
Before considering whether you’re VP material, ask yourself: Is my wardrobe prepared to match the gold and marble aesthetic? If your suits aren’t as eye-catching as a Vegas casino carpet, you’re not ready. - Can You Keep a Poker Face?
One of the key talents of a VP candidate in the Trump era is maintaining a stoic expression while your running mate suggests buying Greenland or nuking hurricanes. Botox may be required.
The Hot Take
Taking a step back from the political satire, we’re at a precipice where the idea of governance seems to be lost in favor of showmanship and loyalty tests. Perhaps the most liberal approach to ‘fixing’ the problem would be for the electorate to insist on a candidate selection process based on merit, experience, and demonstrable governance.
Or, at the very least, American politics could benefit from a decisively less ‘reality-TV’ approach and a return to a boring, policy-centric borefest that gets things done. Could you imagine? Debates that involve actual statistics and grown-up words instead of viral zingers! But perhaps that’s the ultimate American dream – one that we can only reach by waking up from this political nightmare.
