Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Imagine a world where you throw a party at your house, but instead of cleaning up the mess yourself, you wait for the government to come and do it. That’s been somewhat the attitude of the drilling industry when it comes to decommissioning their offshore platforms. The Biden administration, however, is daring to suggest a preposterous idea: maybe, just maybe, the industry itself should shoulder the responsibility for their cleanup. Shocking, right? In a turn of events that’s as radical as suggesting bankers should pay for their own bailouts, this initiative seeks to address the long-neglected issue of abandoned drilling platforms rot the seabeds like forgotten Lego pieces on a playroom floor.
The Breakdown
- Big Oil’s Forget-Me-Nots:
Guess what, folks? The drilling platforms that have been extracting resources like a dentist pulling teeth are getting somewhat old. And by old, we mean that they are set to retire before Larry King did. The fossil fuel giants want to skip out on paying the bill for their retirement party. - The Biden Cleanup Crew:
The new cleanup policy is like hiring Marie Kondo for the ocean. The administration wants to tidy up the oceans, but they’re suggesting the industry should actually fold its own laundry this time. I imagine them having to say, “Does this oil rig spark joy?” when deciding whether to abandon another rig. - Taxpayer’s Surprise Party:
Big surprise, taxpayers have been footing the bill for the industry’s inability to clean up after itself. The party’s been raging for decades, and mom and dad — a.k.a. the public — have been cleaning up while the industry is passed out on the couch. - An Industry on a Budget:
Breaking news! The wealthy oil giants have to budget for decommissioning costs like the rest of us mortals budget for groceries. Expect oil execs to start couponing for steel-cutting equipment and underwater robots soon. - The Poltergeist Platforms:
These platforms have been haunting our oceans for years, and it seems the only ghostbusters we have are government regulations that the industry has continuously slimed its way out of. Time to answer the call and trap these ghosts in the containment unit of responsibility.
The Counter
- Environmentalists Hate Jobs:
Obviously, by making companies pay for cleanup, we’re killing the freelance gig economy for future underwater platform-removal specialists. Think of the children, or at least the children’s children who might’ve had those jobs! - Drilling Platforms as Cultural Heritage Sites:
Why remove these beautiful pieces of industrial history when we can charge scuba divers for tours? “And on your left, you’ll find the ancient ‘Derrick of Desolation,’ home to the rare blobfish.” - Government Overreach:
Next thing you know, the government will ask companies to stop dumping purple toxic goo into rivers. Where does it end? Regulatory madness! - The Circle of Life:
If the Lion King taught us anything, it’s about the circle of life. Maybe these rigs are just the next evolutionary habitat for deep-sea creatures. Let nature take its course – our oceans can become the next dystopian theme park. - DIY Renovation Shows:
It’s a missed opportunity for a stellar reality TV show called “Pimp My Rig,” where contestants renovate abandoned oil platforms into avant-garde art installations.
The Hot Take
So, what’s the liberal approach to solving the gigantism of messes strewn across our seafloor? Well, my friends, the conservative fairytale would have us believe that invisible market hands would come out of their Ayn Rand novels to clean up, but since those hands seem tied, let’s consider some real solutions. For starters, we could just require a tidy little deposit from the drilling companies.
Think of it as a security deposit on an apartment – if you don’t destroy the place, you’ll get your money back. Also, let’s incentivize these companies with tax breaks for every platform they restore, since they love tax breaks almost as much as they adore subsidies. Lastly, if we can find a way to make decommissioning platforms profitable – here’s looking at you, Elon Musk – we’ll see an offshore gold rush like it’s 1849 all over again.
And if all else fails, let’s just automate the whole thing. Send those robots down there not just to clean up but also live-stream it, so all of us can watch Big Oil literally pay for its past sins, one platform at a time. Like a true reality show, but with less scripted drama and more environmental triumph.
Source: Biden administration aims to increase industry responsibility for decommissioning drilling platforms
