Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
The Details
In an astounding leap of legal agility that would make even Kafka’s head spin, the Alabama High Court has apparently decided to delve into the realm of reproductive cryogenics with the fervor of a toddler who just discovered the freezer.
According to their latest wisdom, frozen embryos now enjoy the status of being children. That’s right, those minuscule cellular VIPs chilling out in sub-zero spa treatments are now considered kids. Now, before you envision tiny ice skates and snowsuits for zygotes, let’s just reflect on this for a moment.
If this is the new benchmark for what constitutes a child, I reckon my leftover lasagna should start prepping its college applications.
The Breakdown
- Alabama’s New Definition of “Netflix & Chill”
Alabama seems to have put its own spin on the concept of ‘chilling.’ Frozen embryos are basically zygotes on ice, but they’ve been promoted faster than a prodigy in a gifted program, skipping right past the whole being born bit and landing squarely as legally recognized children. - Child Support Is About to Get Freezing
Imagine the paperwork now. Custody battles over who gets to keep the embryos in their half of the freezer. Every break-up with a stored embryo involved is now a potential episode for an ice-cold reality TV show, “Custody Wars: The Embryo Diaries.” - The Easter Egg Hunt Just Got Literal
The court’s ruling implies that life begins at conception or even at freezing, maybe. We’re not talking about a human in the making; we’re talking about a life that could potentially turn into a person, like how an acorn is totally the same thing as an oak tree. - Embryos: Now With More Rights Than Women?
With this bold stride, embryos might just have more rights than the women carrying them, or rather, storing them. Because why focus on the living breathing folks when there’s a potential life form that could fit comfortably on the head of a pin? - Roll Tide of Emotionally Charged Debates
Alabama is known for its passionate football fanbase with the cry of “Roll Tide,” but now, it appears they have funneled that passion into the legal recognition of unborn, unfertilized, and frozen potential.
The Counter
- Embryos Are People, My Freezer Is Now a City
By these standards, let’s start issuing social security numbers for eggos and my frosted peas because, in the eyes of Alabama, my freezer might as well be teeming with tiny, icy citizens. - Embryo College Fund > Actual Child’s Education
Why save for your living child’s education when you can start a college fund for the embryos? Can’t wait for the financial advisor meetings on that one; “The embryonic 529 Plans: investing in a future that’s still on ice.” - The Birds, The Bees, And The Deep Freeze
Parenting talks just got a lot more complicated. Instead of the awkward birds and the bees conversation, now parents in Alabama can discuss cryotanks and legal personhood in a way that’s sure to confuse any child, conceived, born, or frozen. - Embryo Voting Booths Coming Soon
Can’t wait for the next election cycle where the frozen embryos get a voice too. “This Election Brought to You by the Literal Ice Age.” Debates about their representation and rights will be the coolest ticket in town. - The Cold Shoulder to Actual Issues
This whole hullabaloo gives a whole new meaning to giving societal issues the ‘cold shoulder.’ With actual, you know, born children needing attention, support, and resources, Alabama prefers focusing on the ones in cryogenic limbo.
The Hot Take
Here’s a hot take to thaw out the chilly implications of Alabama’s judicial frostbite: If we’re going to start protecting potential life like it’s already hosting its own talk show, how about we apply that same vigor to the lives struggling outside the womb? You know, the ones already dealing with trivial matters like healthcare, education, and not living in a freezer.
Now, that’s a concept so hot it might just defrost the coldest of courtroom decisions. And who knows? If we warm up to the idea of focusing on the living, breathing issues in society, maybe, just maybe, we could turn this embryo charade into something that benefits actual children. But, then again, taking rational steps to improve society might just be too radical for a system that’s running on ice.
Source: Alabama High Court Rules Frozen Embryos Are Children
